The Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowsip

*The Family Friendly Version*

The originals written by Cassie Claire can be found here. Certain of the subject matter in the originals may have been unsuitable for some people, and so AuntPrimula has been kind enough to send me revised "family friendly" versions of the diaries.
Many thanks to her.
Originally written by Cassandra Claire
Additions by Andreas Moehn
Revised by AuntPrimula

The Diary of Aragorn Son of Arathorn

Oct 13, 3018
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Jan 11, 3019
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Jan 12
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Jan 14
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. V. slippery; many falls.
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.

Jan 15
Big Balrog.
Not King today either.

Feb 14
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!

Feb 16
Left Lorien in boats. Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
V. perceptive.
But still not King.

Feb 26
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was.
Might however have been blood loss.

Feb 27
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.
Why?
Still not King. This is getting tedious.

The Diary of Legolas Greenleaf

Oct 25, 3018
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there.
Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano.
Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.

Jan 12, 3019
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time?
Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

Jan 14
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly.
Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.
Gimli so annoying, with his chunky braids.
Still the prettiest.

Jan 15
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose.
V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Feb 12
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago.
Silly twit. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to wash my hair.
I choose to ignore her claim that it clogged her drain.

Feb 20
All this paddling about in boats is bad for my complexion.
Hair gel spilled all over my backpack, ruined everything, Gimli lent me his comb.
Dwarves are not all bad.
Still the prettiest.

Feb 23
Told Aragorn that a shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind.
Didn't expect him to understand worries about hair, as rather overdoes
the unkempt look, but was v. sympathetic.

Feb 25
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as
already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and fashion sense.

Feb 26
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Cannot understand it.
Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men so serious, rather cute really.

The Diary of Boromir of Gondor

Oct 25, 3018
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn thinks he's so great because of an old sword he claims I dropped and scratched.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous rudeness.

Jan 8, 3019
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Jan 11
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it
back before I really got a good look at it. He is such a jerk.
Stupid Ring.

Jan 12
Aragorn still into being bossy. "Boromir, give the Ring back to
Froooodoo." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's
asleep so you can get at the Ring." There are three other hobbits
besides Frodo. Sam cooks, the other two don't seem to do anything.

Jan 13
Tried teaching the hobbits a little sword-fighting. Sam is clearly
hopeless; I wonder why he came. Pippin and the other one doing better.
Come to think of it, I wonder why they came, too?

Jan 15
Gandalf died. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. Talks big, but is
scared stiff. Won't even try a rescue, has to just run away. Not that
four hobbits and an elf would help much. The dwarf might.

Jan 18
In Lothlorien. Gimli quite struck by Galadriel. So are Pippin and
whats-his-name. She seemed pretty nosy to me. Legolas took a bath in
her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes
his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.

Feb 23
Aragorn being all weird about the Ring. Won't let me take it to Gondor.
Probably wants it for himself. Stupid Aragorn.

Feb 26
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it.
Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
He went invisible and punched me in the face.

Feb 26, later
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.

The Diary of Frodo Baggins

Oct 24, 3018
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after terrible trip.
Also, Sam gave me strawberry pie.
Pippin seems to be getting into trouble. V. confusing. Would expect this behavior from Merry.
Listened to Bilbo talking for hours about his book.
Enjoyed seeing him anyway.

Oct 25
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

Jan 10, 3019
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank.
Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Gandalf said it was the Ring.
Beginning to worry about the Fellowship.

Jan 11
Today fell in the snow and lost the Ring Boromir found it and seemed
mesmerized. Aragorn was absolutely hysterical about making him give it
back. It must be affecting them more seriously than I thought. I was stunned.

Jan 13
Aragorn and Boromir actually pulled swords on each other. Gandalf set
them to teaching Merry and Pippin to sword-fight just to keep them
occupied. You should have seen Gimli laugh! Merry did pretty well. Sam
tried it, was absolutely no good.

Jan 14
Mines of Moria. Escaped Watcher in the Water Why is it always me?
Confronted Gandalf about the Ring. He sure didn't tell me everything,
when I first got it. Why won't he take it? Is it going to turn
everybody evil? Couldn't get a straight answer on that, or about having
the eagles drop it into Mount Doom and save us the trip.

Jan 15
Gandalf fell into shadow. Now I will never know.

Feb 14
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but
she said, "Oh, no, you can't fob that thing off onto me!" Stuck with it.

Feb 24
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Strange creature flew high overhead.
Legolas claims he shot it down. Couldn't tell. Aragorn and Boromir
bickering. Merry and Pippen sniping at each other.

Feb 26
Boromir tried to take Ring. Cannot cope with everyone. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good. Need him to do the cooking.

The Diary of Samwise Gamgee

Oct 6, 3018
Mr. Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would
be all right as Mr. Frodo can't die if he has the Ring.

Oct 20
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. They
have to be better than Strider chewing up weeds to put on the wound.
Strider finally got cleaned up, which is all good, but I think he just
did it to impress a girl.

Oct 24
Mr. Frodo is awake but tired. Trying to tempt his appetite with
strawberries. Now that the danger is all over, Gandalf shows up. Can't
get him to say where he's been all this time. Maybe it's just me but it
seems a little suspicious.

Oct 25
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.
Don't know how they talked him into it. Thought the Elves would take
care of the thing. But no! They're all busy with their songs and their
poetry and their hair and their nails.

Jan 13 3019
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me. No
one will help with anything. Too "busy". Boromir and Aragorn teaching
Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight. Gandalf and Mr. Frodo whispering
together for hours. Legolas staring off into the distance at birds or
something. So guess who gets to do all the cooking and clean-up? At
least Gimli helps with chopping firewood.

Jan 15
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack orcs.
Frying pan works well, too.
Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Good riddance.

Jan 18
Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady v. pretty. Reminds me of Rosie.
Exactly same color hair. Wonder when I will ever see her again?

Feb 16
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye elf lady. Not sure where going exactly, but
is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Just to
get rid of us, I think. Do not care really.

Feb 26
Boromir tried to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil on us.. Not thinking at all.
He was killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something. Mr. Frodo off to
Mordor. Taking me along. Mr. Frodo needs some cheering up.

The Secret Diary of Gandalf the Grey

Sept 20, 3017
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Not going to
last. Limited time before truck stops and billboards appear.

Sept 22
Bilbo's Birthday party greatly improved by substantial amount of hobbit
weed and ale. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty.
Hobbits sho friendly. Whups. Fellover.

Sept 23
Massive hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

July 10, 3018
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil.
Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo.
Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.

Sept 16
Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat.
Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Oct 23
Escaped. You'd think I might have figured out Saruman was evil before.
Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control, taking over the kitchens,
using all the strawberries. Merry and Pippin putting cherry bombs down
the chimney. Elrond getting annoyed.

Oct 25
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away. Big folderol about Ring. Oh,
right. He's really just trying to get Aragorn away from his daughter.
Have agreed to go with Fellowship if only to get more of Sam's cooking.

Jan 11, 3019
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight with Boromir. Boromir
sulking. If Legolas keeps prancing about on top of the snow, may have
to hit him with my staff.

Jan 13
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry
about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

Jan 15
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry. Fell into shadow. Balrog
women are such a bore. Will make up story about having engaged in huge
battle instead. Nobody will know the difference.

The Diary of Saruman the White

May 31, 3018
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous
letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru. Perhaps
will have a look at the palantir. There ought to be something on.

June 5
Have met someone else using a palantir. He seems to like me for me and
not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Has proper
respect, unlike some I could mention.

June 23
Palantir guy v. strange.. Refuses to let me see him except for one
eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat.

July 6
Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of
Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not fat,
just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive
demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment.
Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.

July 10
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins.
Wanted to yap on and on all about this antique ring he found, and what a
deal it was. How mercenary. Disgrace to the Order. Showed him my Wizard
Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.

Aug 22
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt
Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could
taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.

Aug 30
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious
experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with
dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as
breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can
travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.

Sept 16
All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.

Sept 18
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well.
Will save me the daily stair climb.

Nov 15
Did not know, when decided to make demon army for Sauron, that would be
so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have
decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish.
White just shows all the slime.

Dec 26
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf gone off on extended camping
trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and a human -- oh bother, that's
Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whining
about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and
some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf. What a bunch of yobbos.

Jan 1, 3019
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor.

Jan 13
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir
trying to teach hobbits to sword-fight. Have not laughed so hard since
set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog
with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.

The Diary of Peregrine Took

Sept 24, 3018
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Fell down
hill. Lost vegetables, but picked up a couple of wallets Sam and Frodo dropped.

Oct 23
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly
complaining about Gandalf. Also tired of elves mistaking me for
unusually lifelike lawn ornament. Trying to teach them drinking songs,
but they don't quite get it. Am getting nice collection of small
valuables that people have mislaid. Elrond seems out of sorts.

Oct 25
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas
seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I
admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like
pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.

Jan 8, 3019
Has been twenty-five days since Aragorn washed his hair.
Is really starting to bother me.

Jan 13
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir
cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive stuck up git
with delusions of grandeur. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me.

Jan 14
Caught Boromir waxing soles of Aragorn's boots, thus explaining
Aragorn's falling down so much. Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.

Jan 15
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose.

Jan 18
Lothlorien v. pretty. Food good. Elves here much better singers than in
Rivendell. They are just as careless about leaving things around, though.
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.

Feb 17
Going downriver in boats. Don't like boats. Nearly tipped mine over.
Merry very snippy, said I screamed like a girl. The dwarf fell in. Very funny.

Feb 26
Boromir went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so over-do it sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Smelly.
Dirtier than Aragorn. Suddenly miss Boromir.

The Diary of Merriadoc Brandybuck

Sept 22, 3017
Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not
actually all that annoyed. . Washing dishes punishment followed by
cutting the cake punishment and taste-testing ale punishment.

Sept 24, 3018
V. promising start to day when discovered carrot, three cabbages, two
bags potatoes, and six ears corn that someone evidently misplaced.
All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and Sam in cornfield.

Sept 25
Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by
overdressed and v. crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles.
As told Gandalf "The Gray" earlier, monochromatic look is so out.

Sept 30
Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in
pick-up of disaffected and unshaven human who claimed, "I'm really meant to be
King, you know." Sure he is, and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood. Kept
awake during the night by loud party (or fight) going on. Dead tired.

Oct 22
In Rivendell. V. Boring. Pippin is teaching drinking songs to the elves.
Which is less lively than you might think, considering they are elves.
Bilbo is here but sleeps half the time. Looks v. old. Elves don't seem
to be able to tell hobbits apart. Have decided to invest in name tag.

Oct 24
Still boring. Sam does nothing but try to get Frodo to eat. Livened up
the place a little. Cherry bombs down the chimney, grease on the stairs,
salt in the sugar, eggs under Elrond's seat cushion. Blamed it on
Pippin. Go me!

Oct 25
Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Everyone seems to
think he needs it. Elrond v. helpful in preparations to leave.

Jan 10, 3019
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin". Pointed out to him that I
am Merry and have been around for weeks, but he just laughed and patted my
head. Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin. Am doomed
to be Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever. Am considering dramatic
haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.

Jan 13
Boromir teaching us how to sword-fight. Am the best at it of anyone.
Boromir called me "Sam."

Jan 14
Got mohawk but no one can see it as is v. dark in Mines of Moria. Is
difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Legolas asked me to sing one
of Pippin's drinking songs. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not
much difference really, eh?"

Jan 15
Gandalf fell into shadow. Seemed to know the Balrog. Arguing with it
about a restaurant bill. V. strange.

Jan 19
In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves last night, all
wanting me to sing the drinking songs, and all convinced I was Pippin.
Pippin of course nowhere to be found.

Feb 26
With Pippin, kidnapped by orcs. Not so bad as you might think. They are
able to tell us apart, and they know their own drinking songs.

The Diary of Gimli son of Gloin

Oct 20, 3018
Grr. Argh.

Oct 22
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion.
Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor for privacy. Is ridiculous.
Also band of noisy underage hobbits underfoot. Bilbo is OK as have met him before.

Oct 23
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on some kind of song festival.
Bunch of halfwits, elves and hobbits both. No wonder they can't even grow decent beards.

Oct 24
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of having designs on Elrond's daughter.
Big mistake. If Elrond finds out, he'll kill Aragorn. If Sam doesn't
quit taking all the strawberries, I'll kill HIM. Argh!

Oct 25
Elrond has planned Quest, have agreed to go. He apparently found out
about Aragorn. Or perhaps the strawberries. Understand worries about
his daughter. Quite a nice girl. If the hobbits don't stop singing, will
drop them over a cliff.

Jan 11, 3019
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry Ring. Did
not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided
just right. Honestly, these people.

Jan 13
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems
that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should
have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card
from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.

Jan 15
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary
cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir. Does not bear thinking about.

Jan 17
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. On second thought, maybe that
was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves. Of course, elves
say the same about dwarves.

Feb 17
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. If Legolas tips
me in the water again, I'll kill him. If hobbits don't quit laughing, I'll kill THEM. Grrr.

The Diary of Gollum

Aug 7, 3018
Popped over to attend Overdressers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains
only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron. Stupid Sauron.

Sept 2
Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch "Flipper"
over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Evil methods
of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.

Oct 9
Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of "The Faculty." Cannot cope.
Have told them where Ring is.

Oct 21
Escaped orcs. Tracked Ringbearer to Rivendell, but cannot get near him
as there are too many streams, and have developed fear of water since
being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.

Oct 25
Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise
unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Elf princess,
where was trapped for hours.

Dec 25
Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Not noticed. Lawn ornament disguise now working.

Jan 11, 3019
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Carried the Overdressers Anonymous thing a little too far.

Jan 13
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Have been following sounds of Legolas
complaining loudly about dank air of Moria being bad for his skin.
Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn't looking. Rather like
Gandalf. Always has gum.

Jan 14
Met up with v. mopey Balrog who seems to be carrying torch for Gandalf.
Told her best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to
Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value
systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's,
romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New
Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.

Jan 15
Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in
gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.

Feb 4
In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Ringbearer from Indistinguishable Backup
Hobbits by placing trail of strawberries was foiled when Legolas found
berries and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was
embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in mush. Legolas
complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn't
exactly getting any older, either.

Feb 20
Stowed away in Legolas' backpack but tipping of boat was not good for
stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products.
Hope he does not notice.

Feb 26
Cannot stand Legolas complaining about state of his backpack. Off to
stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps can bite off his finger and steal Ring.

The Diary of Ringwraith No.5

2251, the Second Age
Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!

3320
Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per
usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I
detest this life of vile servitude. Still disembodied.

2942, the Third Age
V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v.
annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg
Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn't think so.

June 10, 3018
Sauron gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth
and hunt down hobbit who has somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar's suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on
milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.

June 13
Have been given new horse. Preferred palomino, but am assured look
better with black. Go me! On minus side, still disembodied.

Sept 25
V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack
of giggles while observing Ringbearer and his three companions. Suspect
Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes, rather than
possession of heroic-type fortitude. Will catch up with pretty-boy
Hobbit in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.

Sept 30
Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs of no use to anyone.
Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat
disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all
night boozing it up in Bree.

Oct 5
Have been following Isildur's heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Planning ambush.

Oct 6
Had little accident at Weathertop. Aragorn set me on fire. And Sam tried
to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.

Oct 20
Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur's Heir today. Was so busy laughing
that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor.

The Diary of Arwen Undomiel

Feb 14, 3018
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe
and hobbit weed for Valentine's Day when I specifically requested
chocolates. Have sent him away from Rivendell.

July 24
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. Wish I could be
interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in
Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up
on my own kind.

Aug 11
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.

Sept 3
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in
Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!

Oct 15
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said,
"What, that Still Not King guy, right? He's hanging around with hobbits.
Little scum, really, but one really cute one." Did not respond; some
people don't deserve my conversation.

Oct 17
Have been looking for Aragorn for two weeks now. Have never really seen
hobbits close up before, except for Bilbo. Didn't know they were
supposed to be cute.

Oct 20
Found Aragorn. Doesn't he ever wash his hair when I'm not around?
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him. Cannot believe am getting all
swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: "Aloof, unavailable elf princess.
Aloof, unavailable elf princess." Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious.

Oct 22
Well, really. Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty
before Aragorn happened along. Had to send him off to wash his hair. Humans.

Oct 25
Hobbits such a bother. Cherry bombs. Drinking songs. Playing statue in
the flowerbeds. Kitchen staff fussing, all out of strawberries. Legolas
fussing, will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be
prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy.

Oct 26
Spent time with Gimli. That voice! Those braids! That axe! I am smitten.
No more humans for me; it is dwarves all the way now.

The Diary of Elrond Lord of Rivendell

3341, the Second Age
Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable
lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron's decorating tastes
definitely running towards black, tattered look. So not me.

Year 1. the Third Age
Argument with Isildur. He would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry
against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest
race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize at all.

Year 2
Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense
would attract the wrong sort.

Oct 5, 3018
Arwen still gone. So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council
meeting and invite anyone with free weekend to come. Hope Legolas
doesn't come; never talks about anything but his hair.

Oct 8
Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP my party invitation. Wish he would not
use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to
bring game of Twister.

Oct 11
Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to wheeze
about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like
Ann Landers? Why does everyone come to me with their problems?

Oct 12
Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestions for
the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old
fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, yada yada yada. Don't
see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.

Oct 20
Everyone finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean Boring Secret
Council Meeting. Bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the
greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first.

Oct 21
All right, what is it with the cherry bombs? Is there no peace to be
had? Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she
will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara. It looks better on me
anyway. Hope she has finally ditched the greasy-haired human.

Oct 25
Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice
but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed. Tried to practice big
speech beforehand, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear
tittering noise coming from broom closet.

The Diary of Sauron the Dark Lord

2942
This place sucks. View from top window only slag and ashes. Prefer old
apt. in Mirkwood Towers. At least there was green. The wife, of course,
is the one who wanted to move.

Sept 16, 3000
Is not that being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although
Visine would be a comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?

Sept 17
Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their
disco ball away. Oh, it's fun to be evil.

Oct 11
Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install
DSL in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative.

Oct 31
Have met v. nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have
copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me.
Shows proper respect. Finally someone to see past the eyeball.

Sept 8, 3018
I spy with my big-huge-flaming eye...something resembling a gnome lawn
ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute.
ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING! Thought I lost it down the sink doing dishes.

Sept 9
The wife wants to take some Nazguls to retrieve the Ring for a
reasonable price before it is auctioned at Southeby's. I offered her
two, but she took all nine, plus my best thoroughbreds. The orcs call
me once again The Black Eye.

Aug 30
Tried to ask Saruman advice about women and said some idiotic thing
about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing watching him play
violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark romance, so will not
clear up confusion just yet.

Sept 30
V. strange news from the north. Black riders engaging in fistfights.
Expenses soaring. They still did not get that ring. I would not mind,
but it is a trifle that my wife fancies.

Oct 20
Why is it that women never listen to anything men say? For years I've
told her that Nazgul have to stay clear of running water. Why did I not
leave her in Angband when I had the opportunity?

Oct 25
Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited?
Just because have no body and cannot play Twister is no reason to snub me.

Nov 18
The Nazgul are back, undressed, invisible, and so soaked that we can
trace them by following the wet footprints on the parquetry. Wife wants
new steeds for them. I say, give them bats, give them dinosaurs, give
them anything except my pigeons.

Jan 1, 3019
I suggest a nice weekend at the seaside of Nurn, but no way. Having only
fun in mind, she said, when there is so much dust to clean up from Mt.
Boom. I propose the orcs paint all the walls white so the ash doesn't
show so much. Her answer could be heard from here to Bree. The orcs,
with their sensitive feeling for prominent anatomical features, call her The Mouth.

Jan 14
Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely
place, Moria, used to vacation there. Fellowship seemed lost; sent word
to Brenda to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh bugger.

Jan 25
No word back from Brenda. Suspect she is moping. Never could sort out
her love life. Always whining and writing in her journal.
Over-sensitive for a Balrog, no use at all.

Feb 14
Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh my word. Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel.
It's always about HER. I can't believe I dated her once. I want dancing,
Sauron. I want flowers, Sauron. I want a ring, Sauron. Then she goes
off with that oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.

Feb 24
Picky is gone! Haven't I said to Khamul, "Don't fly near Rohan, their
cuisine favours roasted pigeons"? Picky has always been my darling, won
three times the Gundabad-Lugburz air race. Taken down with an arrow.
When Khamul came back- leaving wet prints all over AGAIN- for the fool
swam the Anduin--he said it must have been a big Elf warrior. Can't he
come up with a better excuse than that?

Feb 26
Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, v. bad.
Humans killed : one.
Go Uruk-Hai!

March 9
Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Boom and watch the fireworks.