LOTR Top Tens

These were all invented by members of Ringbearer.org on the site’s messageboards quite a long time ago. Enjoy!


Top 10 Ways to Annoy a Wizard

Top 10 things Grima should have chucked out of Orthanc

Top 10 ways to kill a…

Top 10 Ways LOTR has made you crazy

Top 10 LOTR Merchandising Deals

Top 10 thoughts of Gwaihir carrying Gandalf to Lothlorien

Top 10 exclamations of Illuvatar as he watches from above

Top 10 Tolkien Fairy-Tale Moments to be Inserted in the Books/Movies

Top 10 LOTR-Inspired Food Products

Top 10 Ways for LOTR to be Politically Correct

Top 10 “Whose Dumb Idea Was THAT?” Questions in Tolkien

Top 10 things people in LOTR WOULDN’T Say

Top 10 Songs That We Hope Aren’t In The Movie Soundtrack (and who would sing them)

Top 10 Unwanted Pieces Of LOTR Merchandise


Top Ten Ways to Annoy a Wizard (by leaflock347)

  • 10. Insist that someone with “intelligence” must be included in the company (and unfortunately you mean
    yourself . . .)
  • 9. Complain about the rations of food at Minas Tirith, the “small loaf” of bread, and the “inadequate pat of butter.” Never mind the devastating siege going on – a hobbit deserves a decent breakfast!
  • 8. Take part in encouraging a usually “un-hasty” group of Ents to rise up against their unpleasant neighbor.
  • 7. Map? Who needs to memorize a map? Sure, there are tons of them here in Rivendell, but why waste my time on something boring like that? Who cares that I will probably travel all over Middle Earth before all is done, I’m sure to always be with someone responsible, like Gandalf or Strider . . . right?
  • 6. Greet your long lost friend, who has transformed into the awe-inspiring White Rider, amid the ruins of Isengard, hardly able to utter a sound due to your great joy. (Ok, perhaps this doesn’t deserve an irritated response, but bear in mind Wizards can be quite temperamental. Especially during tense moments on the battlefield.)
  • 5. Steal a secret stash of pipeweed (Longbottom leaf – the 1417 crop, mind you) and proceed to mockingly enjoy a smoke amid the ruins of the Isengard fortress.
  • 4. Request the names of all the stars, and all of the living things, and the whole history of Middle Earth, and Over-heaven, and of the Sundering Seas to quench your inquisitiveness.
  • 3. “But I should still like to know . . .”
  • 2. On a whim, drop a stone into a really deep well and wait to see how long it will take to hit the bottom. Make sure that you are in a dark, deathly still place, preferably long deserted by any goodly folk. An ancient dwarf kingdom long overrun by orcs and Balrogs would be ideal.
  • 1. Maybe I’ll just take one peep into that cool looking stone. I can’t sleep anyway. I’ll just put a stone under his arm in its place. Yeah, that’s it! Just one look. No one will ever notice . . . ““Top ten things Grima should have chucked out of Orthanc (by Gchild)

    • 1. Saruman
    • 2. “How I Plan to Conquer Middle Earth in Three Easy Steps”
    • 3. Saruman’s other robes, with the lovely lace trim and shear pantyhose to match – and those heels, they could do some damage
    • 4. An Entwife or two
    • 5. The very last of the Pipeweed
    • 6. Saruman’s work in progress – “Ten Things I Hate About Gandalf”
    • 7. His collection of StarWars memoribilia
    • 8. ‘Save our Planet: Natural Fuel Alternatives for Underground Machinery’
    • 9. A really big heavy rock
    • 10. The keys”

    “Top ten ways to kill a… (by Gchild)

    • 1. An Orc: Dangle a rare and valuable treasure over a deep bottomless chasm. Alternatively, suggest to it’s neighbour that the orc in question is spreading trecherous rumours while handing said neighbour a blade.
    • 2. A Balrog: Use a really powerful firehose.
    • 3. A Nazgul: If there’s mud handy are you’re rather inconspicuously small, make like a worm and wriggle. Only attempt this if there is a mighty warrior woman present to back you up.
    • 4. A Dark Winged Creature: Get it to stick it’s neck out, and swing!
    • 5. A Warg: Let off a lot of spark-producing fireworks. NB: keeping a wizard handy is often a fruitful encumberence.
    • 6. A Giant Overgrown Spider: Tell Sauron it ate his Ring
    • 7. Gollum: Do not refrain from telling group about his following them. Do not refrain from shooting yellow glowing eyes in the dark. Do not untie at his request after capture. Do not pretend you did not hear him arguing with himself over killing dearest companion to reclaim Ring. Do not rescue from Faramir or Faramir’s men. Do not allow to wander off and get fish. Do sacrifice finger and Ring to him while standing at Crack of Doom.
    • 8. Saruman: Be polite. Do not kill him. Allow him to leave Orthanc with slave. Offer him forgiveness and friendship. Give him his pipeweed back. Make further offers of forgiveness and friendship. Do not kill him, again. Lose him. Find him in Hobbiton under alias ‘Sharkey.’ Still refrain from kililng him. Allow him to walk away. Watch as he dies as a result of you doing nothing.
    • 9. Wormtongue: All at once, shoot him mercilessly in the back after he’s just committed the greatest and most honourable deed of his career.
    • 10. Sauron: Blow up Middle Earth”

    Ways LOTR has made you crazy: (by Peregrine)

    • 1. You call your backyard the Grey Havens and have built a boat to sail across your pool.
    • 2. You go around your neighborhood looking for Entwives
    • 3. You wrap saltine crackers in leaves and offer them to your friends calling it Lembas
    • 4. Mom doesn’t like you living in a hole in the backyard.
    • 5.You call your school teacher the Witch King
    • 6. You begin to hate the moon and the sun, start talking to yourself and make hissing noises
    • 7. You cut off some of your hair and glued it to the top of your feet.
    • 8. You stare at the puttle in your driveway wishing to see something.
    • 9. At your friends house you pull out a plastic sword covered in glow stick liquid and say “There are Orcs near by!”
    • 10. Your grandpa gets angry because you keep calling him Gandalf and asking him “weird” questions about Middle Earth.

    Top Ten LOTR Merchandising Deals (by Aragorn09)

    • 1. Frodi-O’s- Frodi-O’s is a tasty oat cereal shaped like the Ring Power! When you put them in milk an inscription appears on each O!
    • 2. Gollum-Bond- Gollum-Bond keeps those old fangs in place, so you can strangle your foes and enjoy a tasty treat without ever worrying about losing anything!
    • 3. Bag-Inn’s- Are you tired of going on long journeys through foreign lands and sleeping on the cold, damp ground? Well now with over 600 Bag-Inn’s all over Middle Earth you’ll get to rest safely and soundly in our cozy hobbit-hole shaped suites. Don’t forget hobbit-children always stay free!
    • 4. Grima’s Worm-Tongue Splashers- Change your mouth as many colors as Grima’s face turned when he learned he threw out the palantir, as you chew this flavor-filled gum!
    • 5. Galadriel’s Mirror and Vanity kit by Elvron- Look like an elven queen with this new kit from Elvron. Each kit comes with Galadriel’s mirror, lipstick, eye shadow, and other accessories. Don’t forget to look your best when you pass into the west!
    • 6. The brand new 2000 Ford Bruinen- A cool and refreshing new look to add to our line up of cars. Great for running down those pesky Nazgul if the problem ever arises! If you listen real close to the purr of the engine you might be able to hear elves singing merrily not too far in the distance!
    • 7. Shadow-Fax and Printer Repair- We promise to be the quickest repair service in all of Middle Earth or your money back guaran-steed!
    • 8. The Hair of Elendil Tonic- reduces those gray hairs and look like a king again! Great for picking up elvish chicks! I’m not only the president…
    • 9. The Mouthwash of Sauron- enslave all of Middle Earth and have wonderfully refreshing breath at the same time! Only for a limited time get a mail in rebate for $2 off your next purchase of The Red Eye-contact solution!
    • 10. Black Rider-less Boxers- silky black boxers that scare and frighten, but they are guaranteed to never creep! Please note that if someone is wearing the One Ring in your presence, they might see more than they asked for…

    Top Ten thoughts of Gwaihir carrying Gandalf to Lothlorien (by locksley)

    • 1. How embarrassing! I wish he had some clothes on. Hope the other eagles don’t see me!
    • 2. Light as a feather in my claw , ha! I’d suggest fat-free lembas from now on!
    • 3. Yeah, yeah; you slew a Balrog, died, and came back. I believe that’s been done before .
    • 4. I should start charging big juicy worms for this!
    • 5. I could drop him on a thornbush just for fun, or perhaps on Old Man Willow …
    • 6. I’m gonna have to have a talk with Manwe. This ‘rescuing Olorin’ is getting redundant!
    • 7. Thank Eru he’s not wearing that pointy hat right now!
    • 8. What’s with the deathgrip?! He should be used to this by now …
    • 9. How does he keep getting himself into these crazy situations?!
    • 10. Some aerial stunts would be amusing right about now – hehehe

    Top Ten exclamations of Illuvatar as he watches from above (by Locksley)

    • 1.(of Gollum at Mt. Doom) “Finally done, hooray! Yet unbelievable! He finally gets his prescious back, and then topples into Orodruin … What a klutz!”
    • 2.(of Gandalf’s death in Moria) “Hmm, guess I’ll have to take charge of things now. And just as a payback for his bravado, I’m gonna send him back in his birthday suit. (hehehe)”
    • 3.(To the entire fellowship)” Climb Caradhras? That’s the wrong way! Oh well, I may as well take a little nap then, cause this is going to be a complete waste of time.”
    • 4.(at the Black Gate) “The Mouth of Sauron? Where’s the rest of him, the coward! Sau-ron, Sau-ron, Sau-ron -“
    • 5.(Shelob’s lair) “No, no, Nooooo! There’s a big nasty spider in there! Go back! Don’t – Uh oh. Eww! Too late.”
    • 6.(of Bombadil) Hey, who is that guy? I don’t remember him being on my ‘Create beings’ list
    • 7.(In Fangorn) ” Easy with the ent-draughts, Treebeard! Hobbits are supposed to be short!”
    • 8.(Of Gandalf at Moria) “Say ‘friend’!!!! It’s right there on the door! (heavy sigh). That Bilbo answered all kinds of complicated riddles, yet my best wizard can’t figure out a simple thing as this?!”
    • 9.(Of Frodo at Weathertop)” Take off the ring! Take it off! Look out for the blade – Yeouch! Hmm, that had to really hurt.”
    • 10.(The Grey Havens) “Oh, this is soooo sad! Be strong, my children. No, Sam! Oh, don’t cry! Rosie is waiting, and all is well now ” (Try as he might, his tears of both sorrow and joy fall, eventually causing in a night of rain as Frodo first beholds the white shores and a far green country )

    “Top 10 Tolkien Fairy-Tale Moments to be Inserted in the Books/Movies: (by aldalindel)

    • “1) “Once upon a time, in a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit….”
    • 2) The Fellowship was lost deep inside the mines of Moria. Luckily for them, they soon came upon a trail of breadcrumbs that Gandalf had left on his past journey, and were able to follow the crumbs to the exit.
    • 3) Galadriel, before showing her Mirror to the hobbits: “Mirror, mirror, in my basin- Show these hobbits what they’ll be facin’!”
    • 4) Gimli brings 6 of his dwarf friends along for the journey. That wouldn’t be a problem, except that these 7 dwarves keep singing this annoying walking song: “Hi-ho! Hi-ho! To Mordor we will go…”
    • 5) Somehow, Merry and Pippin end up locked in Orthanc with Saruman, and due to the ent-draughts, the hair on their toes has grown many feet. So, in order to get in,
      Aragorn shouts, “Meriadoc! Peregrin! Let down your toe-hair!”
    • 6) At Helm’s Deep, if Gandalf hasn’t returned by midnight, Shadowfax turns into a pumpkin.
    • 7) When Frodo is asleep in Rivendell, Arwen has to kiss him to wake him up.
    • 8. At the gate of Moria, Gandalf must first guess the password. After trying everything, he finally yells out “Rumplestiltzkin!” in disgust (thinking it was a dwarvish curse…they don’t teach their language correctly to anyone!) But, lucky for him, it was really the dwarvish word for “Open!”
    • 9) Frodo, upon awakening in the Barrow Downs: “What a terrible sleep I’ve had! There was something under my mattress that’s made me black and blue!” He reaches under himself and, of course, finds a pea.
    • 10) Before entering the Old Forest, the 4 hobbits put on little red hobbit hoods and cloaks. “Now remember…don’t stray from the path!” Fatty Bolger called after them…”

    Top Ten LOTR-Inspired Food Products (by aldalindil)

    • 1) “Sugar-Frosted Hob-Bits”– Put a smile on your kid’s faces when they taste this artificially sweetened cereal! There’s whole-grain frosted hobbits with bits of tasty marshmallow pipes and rings. Bring out the Shire in you… they’re Grrrrrrreat!
    • 2) “Mouth-of-Sauron Weight Watchers”– You don’t have to cut back on the foods you love to lose weight on our easy program! Just put on this ring and soon your friends will be saying that you’re a wraith! Just remember the next time you reach for the cookies, we’ve got our Eye on you!
    • 3) “Lembas: Genuine Draft”– These little snack cakes taste great, but are less filling!
    • 4) “Gandalf-eo Sandwich Cookies”- With a crunchy gray outside and a white frosting inside, what’s not to love about these classic cookies? Whether you twist ’em or dunk ’em in a glass of milk, they’re sure to satisfy! Gan-dalf-e-os from Nabisco!
    • 5) “Denethor-Whoppers”– Tired of the same old fried fast-food burgers? Try the new Denethor-Whopper from Burger King! It’s flame broiled over a hot, hot fire to give it that well-done taste you’ll love!
    • 6) “Ent-Draught-eiser Beer”– With the catchy advertising campaign of three ents saying “Grow.” “Tall.” “Er.”, this alcoholic beverage appeals to everyone! And hey, if the ents don’t go over, we’ve always got the frogs!
    • 7) “Shire-Slims Cigarettes”– You’ve come a long way, baby.
    • 8. “Merry Meals”– Have you had YOUR break today? For a limited time only, come to McDonalds and treat your kids to a Merry Meal that comes with either a cheesy Bombadil-Burger or Pippin Nuggets. You’ll also get a hobbit-size drink and a beanie-baby Fellowship member! Did somebody say…McDonalds?
    • 9) “Sauron-Fresh Gum”– Did you know that the temperature of the average mouth is a Mordor-like 98.6 degrees? But a Sauron-Fresh mouth is much, MUCH…Cooler!!
    • 10) “Bolger’s Coffee”– Named after the oft-overlooked hobbit Fatty Bolger, the strong, rich aroma of Bolger’s Coffee will give you strength throughout the day… even if you’re planning a year-long journey to Mordor! Cause the best part of waking up, is Bolger’s in your cup!”

    Top 10 Ways for LOTR to be Politically Correct (by aldalindel)

    • 1) Gandalf is no longer an “old, bearded wizard”. He is a “Chronologically Advantaged Intellectually Gifted Magic Worker with Extensive Facial Follicle Growth”
    • 2) Sam does not refer to Gollum as Slinker and Stinker. Instead, he realizes that Gollum is suffering from acute Multiple Personality Disorder, and refers to the different sides as “He Who is Gifted at Guiding”, and “He Who is Aromatically Challenged”.
    • 3) Barliman Butterbur is not a “fat inkeeper”, but rather a “Gifted-in-Volume Food and Drink Provider”.
    • 4) Instead of “Tom-Fool of a Took,” Gandalf calls Pippin a “Differently-Abled Intellectually, but yet of Distinguished Heritage Took”.
    • 5) Hobbits are no longer short, fat, and hairy-footed. Instead, they are “Vertically Challenged and Gifted in Girth, with the Ability of Growing Adequate Natural Foot Covering”.
    • 6) The line in FOTR that says “And to the wonder of the others, Legolas and Gimli became fast friends” is to be replaced with the line “And, despite their rich and varied cultural and ethnic differences, Legolas and Gimli formed an Alternative Lifestyle Domestic Partnership.”
    • 7) The term “Dwarves” is not to be used, as some may find it offensive. Rather, these members of the Middle Earth society are to be called the “Vertically Challenged Mining Community who are Gifted in Growing Facial Hair.”
    • 8. Eomer and Gimli do not argue about the beauty of Galadriel, because some women may find that to be objectifying and sexist. Nor can they contest her wisdom, as that may imply that women are less wise than men, or her power, since that might suggest that men are stronger than women. In fact, in the spirit of true political correctness, this scene should be cut altogether and Galadriel should join the Fellowship.
    • 9) Aragorn’s sword is not to be called “the sword that is broken” because that implies that it is of no use and may offend some readers. Instead, it should be called “The Sword that is Differently-Abled from Other Swords, but May Still Serve some Useful Purpose.”
    • 10) Shadowfax should not be called a “horse.” Rather, he is to be referred to as a “Four-Legged Travelling Companion.” Furthermore, he (and indeed, all horses of the Rohirrim) are not to be ridden, as that infringes upon their rights and may offend some animal activism groups.”

    Top Ten “Whose Dumb Idea Was THAT?” Questions in Tolkien: (by KEITH)
    Whose dumb idea was it to….

    • 10. ..build the three principal cities of Gondor within spitting distance of Mordor?
    • 9. ..not put any guards on Mount Doom?
    • 8. ..let Wormtongue into Edoras?
    • 7. ..set Melkor free from the Halls of Mandos?
    • 6. ..allow Sauron within 10 miles of Ar-Pharazon when he wasn’t wearing earplugs?
    • 5. ..let Isildur keep the Ring?
    • 4. ..appoint such easily distracted wizards as 4/5 of the Istari?
    • 3. ..allow the Numenoreans to become powerful enough to challenge the Valar?
    • 2. ..let Lotho buy most of the Shire’s supplies and take control?
    • 1. ..allow Aragorn within 1000 miles of Arwen?

    Top ten things people in LOTR WOULDN’T Say (by KEITH)

    • 10. Wormtongue: “I’m actually a spy for Saruman and I fancy Eowyn.”
    • 9. Galadriel: “Gimme the Ring! I’m going to take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHA!”
    • 8. Aragorn: “I love you, Eowyn.”
    • 7. Boromir: “Minas Tirith sucks.”
    • 6. Gandalf: “Someone else can save the world. I’m going to put my feet up.”
    • 5. Ugluk: “OK Grishnakh, you can take command.”
    • 4. Gollum: Anything without the word “precious” in it somewhere.
    • 3. Denethor: “Of course we’re going to win this war!”
    • 2. Eowyn: “Does anyone want some fresh-baked cookies?”
    • 1. Sam: “Shut the **** up, Frodo! I’m tired too, but do you see me complaining?”

    Top 10 Songs That We Hope Aren’t In The Movie Soundtrack (and who would sing them) (by KEITH)

    • 10. I Am The Man In White (Gandalf)
    • 9. If I Ruled The World (Sauron/Saruman/Galadriel)
    • 8. So Tired Of Waiting For You (Arwen/Aragorn)
    • 7. Kiss The Girl (Merry to Eowyn/Faramir)
    • 6. Hiho, Hiho (Gimli)
    • 5. You Ain’t Never Had A Friend Like Me (Saruman)
    • 4. I’m Sailing Away (Frodo)
    • 3. I’m Just A Soul Whose Intentions Are Good (Boromir)
    • 2. We Gotta Get Outta This Place (The Company in Moria post-Mazurbal)
    • 1. My Heart Will Go On (Sam at Cirith Ungol)

    Top Ten Unwanted Pieces Of LOTR Merchandise (by KEITH)

    • 10. Fellowship drinks holders (a la Star Wars).
    • 9. An alarm clock that wakes you up by saying ‘One ring to rule them all…’
    • 8. Socks that look like Hobbit feet.
    • 7. Anything at all to do with underwear.
    • 6. Life-size cardboard cutouts of characters.
    • 5. Arwen gum dispenser.
    • 4. Nazgul/Eagle mobile.
    • 3. Lunchboxes.
    • 2. Authorised 50-page shortened version of the story.
    • 1. Most of all: Happy Meals.