Cc: ruggedHeir144@gondorians.com/exile, email@example.com, MINEr207@oldmount.com/son_of_gloin/htm, steWardRulez@gondorians.com, blueeyedXshortAy33@mailbag_end.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Are you there yet?
Hey you guys,
Please dont tell me ur still backpacking? Jeez, how long does it take to call a cab? come on, its not like we’re living in a pre-technological primitive society. puh-lease.
love, Elrond, Lord of Rivendell.
p.s. did you guys seriously all bring separate computers? what a bunch of crackerjacks.
p.p.s. could someone please relate all this to Aragorn? We all know he doesn’t check his emails.
Subject: hello there son.
why did you leave without computer instructions, this took me a half hour to type. nobody here is able to type anyway, so i had to look for all these little buttons forever. what does that silly button that says shift do/////// why isnt the question mark working/////// and how am i supposed to get on to mirkwoodtimes.com// do i write the website name in the white box or the blue one///// i cannot get this silly mouse to work either. please come home alive and soon, son. and while im here anyway, i might as well tell you, you left your lucky socks with the hearts on them at home. sorry son. love, daddy with hugs and kisses
Subject: this is soooo freaky, it like definetly works!!
OK, so what you do is you like make a wish and answer the questions and if you send it to thirty people in 15 minutes, your wish will come true! And theres a bunch of people this came true for…but this one girl, she didn’t send it, and then….I don’t really know but I suppose something bad happened to her…I guess.
*.:.:^mAk3 A wI$h!!!^:.:.:.*
Question 1: What is your name?
Question 2: What is your zodiac sign?
Question 3: What is your favorite color?
Question 4: What is your favorite animal?
Question 5: Who is your secret crush?
If you answered true to any of these questions, you will get a secret kiss before midnight tomorrow afternoon!! If you answered false, then you will probably totally lead some kind of boring life forever and ever. Whatever.
Isn’t it cool!
Subject: Kind of bored…
I just fell into a seemingly bottomless pit. Do you know how boring that is? First of all, Balrog nearly melted the keys off my laptop when we were both bored with falling and he asked to play Snood. At least I can still get online. So…tell the others to just listen to Aragorn. He may not know what he’s doing, but at least he’s convincing when it comes to pretending. By the way, did you get the chain letter from Glorfindel? Creepy…
Let’s hope my laptop doesn’t smash once I’m done falling to my doom…
Subject: New email address
The old G-ster let me use his computer to set up an email address. I think he won’t let me use it all that much after I sort of disintegrated his mouse…sooo not my fault though. Ever played Snood before? Interesting game…see there’s these little faces and then…all right I’ll explain it to you after I get out of this hole. Actually, once I do, then we’ll probably have to do a little bit of showy, mountaintop fighting. For the whole medieval melodrama tradition, you know? So tedious…
Hey Legolas, I think you lot left some hobbit behind. Short, stout fellow, with glasses and lots of chin fur? He keeps asking me if I want some kind of “line” in a third film, or something like that. I just keep saying yeah, whatever, and pouting. Can you guys come back here and get him? He’s quite annoying.
Subject: You’re invited!
Greetings Legolas of the Mirkwood realm, one who has seen lots of orcs recently, stubbed his toe on a dwarf during the passage through Moria, broke his knee when he was 200 years old, went to school at Mirk-Leaf academy, played tuba in high school, has a strong dislike of asparagus, has an odd-shaped freckle on the left shoulder blade, picked his nose hiding behind Bill the pony earlier this week, still owns a pair of roller blades with tassels, and recently became a member of Myspace during his free time. It is Galadriel, one who knows ALL.
Since Gandalf fell and may have dropped his laptop along the way (do you have any idea on that one?), we decided we would have a secret council about him once you arrive in Lothlorien (because I know you are heading this way), and we shall discuss Gandalf’s fate, our sorrow in our loss, and the grief that lingers. Which means I will leave you in charge of decorations and Cheetohs. Can you make the little flowers out of tissue paper like you did back when we had the spring fling dance? See you then (already able to see you now, though…)
The Lady of Light and Radiance of Lothlorien,
Subject: I WANT MY SOCKS BACK GREENLEAF!
You silly twit. You took my favorite pink socks! I’ll get you for this! (If Aragorn’s there, tell him I say Hi Pookie! I love you and miss you and will call you on your cell tonight! Lots of hugs and kisses!) Just tell him, ‘cause we all know he doesn’t check his own email address. I’ve sent him seventeen emails since last Christmas asking him to marry me. If only he would learn to use the stupid laptop…
You’re still payin’ Greenleaf. Those socks were cashmere.
~Arwen Undomiel, Evenstar of her People
Subject: RE: RE: You’re invited!
I am NOT a show off.
I can see you. You better watch it.
Lady of Light and Radiance of Lothlorien,
Hey…Lothlorien’s pretty cool huh? I guess elves aren’t so bad….Wanna be friends maybe and make plans to go backpacking to caves and junk sometime in the future?
Subject: RE: RE: none.
Fine, well I don’t like you either. So there. Blah, you useless turd. And your socks are ugly, too.
Subject: Backorder notification
Dear Mr. Greenleaf,
We are sorry to inform you that several of your online orders at gapofrohan.com have been put on backorder due to inaccessibility to your address. You may need to re-enter your information, as our computers tell us the location for delivery you entered has not been found. The location we have on account is: like I know, we’re in the middle of nowhere. We have been unable to find this area. Please re-enter a valid address. Thank you, and have a nice day.
Items on backorder:
1red spgttstrp tank top w/lettering
1prpl peasnt top
2pairs lowriseflr jeans
1pair blk leathr pants
1pnk curdry blazer
3pairs woolsocks w/embroidery
8pairs pink socks
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Subject: WhUdDuP, dAwGs?
hEy EvRy0nE! LyKe ThE eMaIl? lOl, iTz Nu, gLaDrY h3lpEd mE…wElL, g2g, tTyL. pEaCe 🙂
K-UnIt (or just Celeborn is fine.)
Subject: You moron.
I’m sorta typing with one hand right now, seeing as I’m being attacked. You wanna like…I dunno…maybe GET HERE???! What an idiot you are…attack anything moving, accept when that moving thing decides to attack me, right? You’re a loser.
P.S. Tell Aragorn to get his ass down here too. And to check his email more often, I’ve been asking him the same thing for ages and he won’t respond. Silly twits you all are.
Subject: Sympathy for your loss.
We regret to inform you that Boromir, son of Denethor has joined us here in Mandos. We realize that his passing is most likely very difficult on you. Therefore we will soon be sending you his death certificate and acceptance to Mandos papers, which need to be signed. We assume someone in your party will also be responsible for paying his entrance fee, or else we will need to send him back. Thank you for your cooperation, and we sincerely sympathize with you.
Have a morbid day.
Subject: Boromir has been accepted.
Our computers tell us that you have very promptly paid Boromir’s admission fee to Mandos. We thank you, and Boromir sends his regards. Actually, no he doesn’t. He told us to tell you that he thinks you are a git, that you are just trying to make sure that he’s fully dead or else you wouldn’t spend a dime on him, and to tell Aragorn the same.
Have a morbid day.
Subject: need your help
Hello, it’s Gandalf.
Yeah, I know, you tried emailing me and when it didn’t work, you assumed I was dead. The laptop short-wired when it hit the water ok? I’m using Elrond’s, I’m in Rivendell. Anyway, afterwards, when me and Balrog were doing the little show-offy wooden-sword fighting, I kinda got a little over-excited and kinda SORTA accidentally killed him.
Well, just remove him from your contacts list.
Anyway, what I need your help with is I’m planning a little something to get back at Aragorn for that time about the dead road-kill in my sleeping bag incident…I’ve got Merry and Pippin in on it, good blokes really, and I emailed Treebeard. All I need you and Gim to do is to make sure he goes all the way IN to Fangorn. You know him, he’ll see that Merry and Pippin went in and he’ll just be all, “Well, nothing we can really do now, let’s leave.” Sissypants that he is. You gotta MAKE that pansy go in, and once he does, well then…you’ll see. Heh, heh.
We don’t need to worry about him seeing this email ‘cause we all know that he won’t.
Subject: Just pass the laptop to Aragorn.
We’re pretty much screwed out here. Could you send us food, or maybe money, or your credit card? Come on, we’re more important than Merry and Pippin right? I would send this to YOUR email address, but you know…
Legolas, we got a delivery from the Gap of Rohan that had your name on it. What do you need the lingerie for????
~Frodo (and Sam)
Subject: jeez, sorry man.
Alright, alright, yeesh. It’s going back in the box with the rest, kay? You can pick it up at the postbox in the Dead Marshes after this whole shindig is over. No need to get all moody…
Did you…hear from…Gandalf…he is not one of the species is he? No…no…ah, where was…I…Gandalf…he emailed me and…what a lovely red finch…perhaps I will name it…I’ll name it…I’ll…how hasty I am…becoming…because…Gandalf said…because………
Subject: Hey there, Leggy!
Hey Legolas! How’re the others doing? Me and Merry are here chillin with these guys that told us they had a castle full of cake and girls, so they seem pretty cool. Kind of ugly though. Whatever. They like traveling songs, mostly about hostages and weird types of meat. We taught them to sing “The Ants Go Marching One By One,” and they prefer that now. We’re working on singing it in rounds! Alright, see you later.
And Merry says hi too! (from Merry)
Subject: You coming?
Hey Legolas, make sure Aragorn sees this too. You all wanna come over to my house? I just rented this movie with Pamela Anderson, should be good. Just start heading towards Rohan. (Oh by the way, if I happen to threaten you when I see you, don’t worry I’m just playin’. Gotta look tough for the troops, ya know?)
P.S. PLEEEEASE don’t bring the dwarf. He looks too much like my uncle. I might have trouble telling them apart.
(Oh wait, I would, if I wasn’t BANISHED!!! ARGGG…don’t you hate when they ground you like that? You know what it’s like, Aragorn.)
Subject: Go away.
We doesssss not have your sssssocks! We does not wear ssssssocks! Ssstop emailing ussss, nassssty sock persssson!!!!!
Subject: You have an e-greeting!
You have an e-greeting waiting for you online! Just click here! From Sam, with this attached note:
I love you. You’re the best. I found for you this little letter with little dancing bears and hearts and stuff. You’re amazing. Now please send food.
Hey Legolas, I just checked my emails. I hadn’t realized how long it’s been….Elrond’s not holding a second Council of Elrond, is he? Because I have the invitation for one right here…but I thought that already went by. And what are Gandalf and Pippin going on about when they keep saying, ‘Silly idiot, can’t wait till you get to Fangorn’? What’s in Fangorn? A party?
Sorry for not getting your email about the socks. That’s rough, man.
~Ellasar, Strider, Aragorn, Elfstone, Estel, and…a bunch of other junk.
Subject: I want you to play a role in my new motion picture trilogy, the Lord of the—
(Legolas: *delete* Stupid spammers…)