Book-A-Minute: LOTR

BOOK-A-MINUTE: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Gandalf
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we’ll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.

Bilbo Baggins
It’s not evil. It’s mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)

Elrond
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.

(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie where the guy comes back as a DOG.)

Boromir
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.

Frodo
No.

Boromir
What have I done? (dies)

THE END


BOOK-A-MINUTE: THE TWO TOWERS

(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)

THE END


BOOK-A-MINUTE: THE RETURN OF THE KING

Aragorn
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.
Eowyn
You’ll die.
(They don’t.)

Gandalf
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith. (They don’t.)

Gandalf
We must attack Mordor. We’ll all be killed.
(They aren’t.)

Gollum
Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)

Frodo
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.

Sam
Buck up, Master Frodo. (A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save EVERYBODY.)

THE END

Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard of Rinkworks.com
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Submitted to LOTRSpoofs by Meluivain Gwiwileth