BOOK-A-MINUTE: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we’ll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.
It’s not evil. It’s mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.
(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie where the guy comes back as a DOG.)
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.
What have I done? (dies)
BOOK-A-MINUTE: THE TWO TOWERS
(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)
BOOK-A-MINUTE: THE RETURN OF THE KING
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith. (They don’t.)
We must attack Mordor. We’ll all be killed.
Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.
Buck up, Master Frodo. (A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save EVERYBODY.)
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard of Rinkworks.com
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Submitted to LOTRSpoofs by Meluivain Gwiwileth