FOTR: Puppet Theater

 

The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents:

Lord of the Rings – The Fellowship of the Ring

“Foreboding Drum Music”

 

 

Galadriel:
In the beginning, Sauron was evil and screwed up Middle Earth.
Sauron:
I am evil. Here are some magic rings so that I can control your souls.
Galadriel:
Luckily, most people were pissed that Sauron screwed up Middle Earth, anddecided to do something about it.
Isildur:
Sauron, you killed my father, so I’m going to smite you with my magic brokensword.
Sauron:
Daaagh! My trigger finger!
Masses:
Woah, shock wave.
Isildur:
What a pretty ring. I think I’ll submit to my weak and selfish human desires.
Elrond:
Silly human! Rings are for evil overlords!
Isildur:
Yeah, whatever…darn it, I’ve been shot.
Galadriel:
So anyway blah blah Gollum found ring blah blah made him evil blah blahlost it blah Bilbo found it blah blah we’re all doomed yada yadayada.

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:
Look everyone, I’m back in the Shire.
Frodo:
Woohoo! It’s my only chance in this movie to be happy!
Gandalf:
Good for you. Let’s see how many names of book chapters we can add intothe dialogue.
Bilbo:
I feel like leaving here, crawling into some caves and fingering my beautifulring.
Gandalf:
Stupid low ceiling rafters…
Bilbo:
Time for par-tay-ing!
Pippin:
We’re here to provide comic relief.
Merry:
Let’s cause destruction and mayhem!
Gandalf:
You’ve been bad boys. Go do the dishes!
Bilbo:
Well, it’s been fun and all, but it’s time to mysteriously disappear.
Frodo:
This can’t be good.

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:
Bilbo, you’re not funny.
Bilbo:
Yeah, well, what do you know,you big hairy oaf?!
Gandalf:
You should know by now that it’s NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO PISS ME OFF!!!
Bilbo:
eeeeeep!
Bilbo:
Fine, I’ll let go of the ring…man, this thing’s sticky.
Gandalf:
I am disturbed.
Frodo:
Where’d everybody go?
Gandalf:
Bye, Frodo. Pay no attention to the fact that I am seriously disturbed.

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:
Good thing there’s this random library that has records of everything that’sever happened anywhere.
Gandalf:
Let’s see…I’ll look under “E” for evil magic rings…uh oh,I think we’re doomed.

~ LOTR ~

Frodo:
This place is giving me the heebie-jeebies.
Gandalf:
Speaking of which…boo.
Frodo:
Waaugh! You’re all ragged and sweaty!
Gandalf:
Hey Frodo, that magic ring you inherited is actually the brainchild ofevil incarnate and will bring about the destruction of everything.
Gandalf:
Just so you know.
Frodo:
The angst is taking over already…
Sam:
I know nothing! I am completely and totally ignorant!
Gandalf:
Since you’re such a bad liar, you’re going to help Frodo.
Frodo:
This sounds dangerous…I better practice my brooding.

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:
Whassup, Saruman?
Saruman:
Maybe if you hadn’t been smoking hobbit-weed, you would have noticed I’veturned evil.
Palantir:
I am swirly and dark.
Saruman:
Let’s engage in a wizard levitation battle.
Gandalf:
No, I don’t think so…ow, my shoulder!
Saruman:
Eat sharp pointy ceiling!!

~ LOTR ~

Sam:
Tra-la-la, let’s go off on a grand adventure!
Frodo:
Huh?…Sorry, the angsty symbolism’s giving me asthma.
Pippin:
Here, hold this food while we bolt.
Sam:
Run away! Ack, sudden cliff!
Frodo:
I smell forboding.
BlackRider:Fear me, for I am tall, black, evil and badass!
Frodo:
Noooo problems there.
BlackRider:Have yu da wing?
Merry:
I say we chuck rocks at their heads.
Merry:
On second thought, I say we run like heck for the nearest body of water.
BlackRider:Curse your furry little feet!

~ LOTR ~

Pippin:
Nobody loves us hobbits.
Fans:
WE LOVE YOU!!!
Frodo:
Too many big people! Why’s everyone staring at me?
Masses:
With that face, how can we NOT stare at you?
Pippin:
Beer is fun!
Frodo:
Pippin, stop being a drunken idiot…whoops, accidentally put the ringon.
Eyeof Sauron:Peek-a-boo, I see you!
Frodo:
Yikes, evil mind trips are scary!
Aragorn:
Frodo, you dumbell! Now I’m going to drag you upstairs and tan your hidegood ‘n proper!
Frodo:
What’s up with you?
Aragorn:
We’re all doomed, so don’t mess up anymore!
Sam:
Unhand my partner!…I mean my friend.
Aragorn:
Chill out, Sam. Go set up a really big bed for all of us.
Nightwatch:
Hello, Black Riders. I’m afraid those horses aren’t going to fit throughthe door.
BlackRider:That’s no problem. SMUSH.
Aragorn:
That unearthly shriek means our time is up! Grab a pony and let’s scram.
Sam:
Aragorn’s dark and brooding.
Frodo:
Just like me, only taller.

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:
Well, I’m trapped on top of this dark tower for months…I could reallyuse some PC solitare right now.
Moth:
I offered to carry Gandalf away, but he said to get something bigger. Whatdo wizards know, anyway?…
Saruman:
Arise, my slimy snarling hordes of death!
Uruk-Hai:
What do you mean, you didn’t make any females? You expect us all to begay or something?!!

~ LOTR ~

Aragorn:
You hobbits hang out here while I leave you to get attacked by your mortalenemies.
Pippin:
Sounds good to me! Who’s up for some toast?
Frodo:
There’s a time and a place for stupidity, but this isn’t it.
BlackRider:Our swords are bigger than yours, so I’d say we have the advantage.
Frodo:
Maybe if I put on the ring, they’ll forget I’m here…ow, that stings.
Ring:
Another bad situation made worse by yours truly…how symbolic can youget?

~ LOTR ~

Saruman:
We’re all doomed, Gandalf. You should be evil.
Gandalf:
I’ve had about enough of your unconvincing pessimism. Ignore that gianteagle behind you.
Saruman:
I’ll get you, my pretty…and your little hobbit, too!

~ LOTR ~

Frodo:
I am in pain.
Aragorn:
Since we’re out of motrin, I’m going to go find us some kingsfoil.
Arwen:
I am shiny and accompanied by an angelic chorus. You may now drool overmy melodius elvish dialogue.
Fans:
Drool…
Arwen:
Don’t worry, I’ll take Frodo to Rivendell.
Aragorn:
Can’t let you do that…protective male instincts are rising to the surface.
Arwen:
Are you sure something else isn’t rising?…
BlackRider:Maybe our horses could run faster if they weren’t decked out in fearsome

armor.

RiverHorse:You guys need a shower.
BlackRider:Gurgle, blub, blub.

~ LOTR ~

Frodo:
I had this horrible nightmare that I had this ring and was chased by blackdudes and…oh wait, that actually happened. Darn it all…
Sam:
Yaay, the love of my life is alive!
Frodo:
…..
Aragorn:
Hey, Boromir. Still being an ignorant ego-tripping pain in the butt?
Boromir:
Look at the remains of this magical sword…ouch! Stupid symbolism…
Aragorn:
That’s very interesting, but I have to go make out with Arwen right now.
Elrond:
Well, Gandalf, we’re all doomed. What should we do about it?
Gandalf:
Gimli and Legolas were suggesting a massive orgy, but I was thinking morealong the lines of a different sort of fellowship.
Elrond:
Me too. Okay, we’ve got nine people here…can everyone please say onething that’s unique about themselves?
Frodo:
I’m angst incarnate.
Aragorn:
I’m badass-ness incarnate.
Sam:
No one can figure out my sexual orientation.
Pippin:
My life revolves around food and beer.
Merry:
I’m part of the comic relief duo.
Boromir:
I’m an ignorant ego-tripping pain in the butt.
Legolas:
I’m so pretty it’s not even funny.
Gimli:
I really need a woman, a prozac and a haircut.
Gandalf:
I really should have won best supporting actor.
Bill:
I’m the pack animal.
Elrond:
Alright, looks good to me. Even though we’re still doomed, the fact thatyou’re working together makes me feel *cough* better.
Gimli:
Let’s skip the entire way there!
Pippin:
No, let’s gang up on Boromir!
Birds:
Look, it’s the Fellowship. Let’s fly over there and crap on their heads.
Boromir:
Eeek! Hide!
Gandalf:
Birds are too scary. Let’s face blinding snowstorms instead.
Legolas:
While you’re trudging along in waist-deep snow, I’ll skip along on top!
Frodo:
This isn’t funny.
Gimli:
Let’s go to Moria.
Gandalf:
Let’s not and say we did.
Saruman:
Here’s a little avalanche to encourage you along.

~ LOTR ~

LakeMonster:Ha-ha, I’ve got Frodo!
Sam:
You can’t have him, he’s mine!
Boromir:
I knew dwarves were hostile, but even I didn’t expect them to welcome uswith a carpet of rotting corpses.
Gimli:
Shoot…all this crying is going to make my beard damp.
Aragorn:
Forboding drum music…I sense an incoming battle scene.
Troll:
I am like a video game boss character that takes 20 hits to kill insteadof just one.
Legolas:
Dogpile on the troll!!
Frodo:
Ack, I’ve been skewered!
Fans:
Nooo, don’t kill the bishounen!….Oh wait, we have a couple of spares.
Frodo:
Good thing I was wearing this impenetrable mail that no one else seemedto notice.
Aragorn:
We just finished a battle scene and there’s more forboding drum music…now I’m gettingnervous.
Balrog:
I am the coolest CGI character here. Eat flaming whip!
Gandalf:
I am not intimidated…okay, so I am. This situation calls for some seriousreligious symbolism.
Frodo:
Gandalf has died…time for five minutes of angsty slow-motion!
Aragorn:
Stop crying, you babies! That means you, Boromir.

~ LOTR ~

Gimli:
Lothlorien is scary! Protect me, Legolas!
ElfGuard:Only pretty people are welcome here…the dwarf’s going to need a bag over

his head.

Galadriel:
Telepathy is fun!
Boromir:
Stop looking at me with your mind!
Frodo:
Hey, Galadriel. You’re not planning on giving me any torturous clairvoyantmemories, are you?
Galadriel:
What a nice ring…it makes me want to do A NEGATIVE FILM EXPOSURE FREAK-OUT!!
Frodo:
I am disturbed by your freak-out-ness! I think we should leave now.
Galadriel:
Before you go, take this light crystal. That aura around it is actuallygaseous foreshadowing.
Sam:
I wanna go in Frodo’s boat…

~ LOTR ~

Saruman:
Orcs are actually messed-up elves. But you guys are perfect.
Uruk-Hai:
I haven’t been able to find a mirror, but from what I can tell, we’re stillmessed up.
Saruman:
Forget about that…just go kill all the pretty people, and bring the reallyshort pretty people here.
Uruk-Hai:
If we kill them, will we not be ugly anymore?
Saruman:
Well…no. But at least they won’t be pretty!

~ LOTR ~

Aragorn:
Check out these gigantical statues. Can’t you hear the sudden rise in thescore?
Frodo:
Ugh, too much angst…I need some fresh air.
Boromir:
Mind if I borrow that instrument of our doom? I “promise” I’llgive it right back.
Frodo:
Help, Boromir’s trying to rape me!
Boromir:
Your short little legs are a disadvantage to you!…Crap, I tripped.
Eyeof Sauron:I’m back to give you even more reason to angst.
Aragorn:
Don’t worry Frodo, I’m not going to rape you like Boromir.
Frodo:
I appreciate that, but I’m still too angsty to hang around.
Uruk-Hai:
Kill the pretty people!!
Pippin:
There’s nothing funny about being self-sacrificing…
Merry:
…And I think that sucks.
Boromir:
I feel like a pincushion.
Aragorn:
You’re just jealous because all of the fans are rooting for me.
Lurtz:
I’m another one of those characters that needs 20 hits to die.
Aragorn:
Now stand aside, worthy adversary!
Lurtz’sHead:’Tis but a scratch.
Aragorn:
A scratch? Your head’s off!
Lurtz’sHead:No it isn’t.
Aragorn:
Look!
Lurtz’sHead:…..I’ve had worse.
Aragorn:
You liar!
Lurtz’sHead:C’mon, ye pansy!
Aragorn:
(Kicks head, goes rolling down the hill)
Boromir:
Come and give me a goodbye kiss.
Aragorn:
Okay, but just the forehead.
Legolas:
Well, Boromir’s dead and we lost all the hobbits…if things keep goinglike this, we’re definitely screwed.
Gimli:
I’ll feel a whole lot better as soon as we start killing things.

~ LOTR ~

Sam:
Come baaack! If I can’t have you, I’ll drown myself!
Frodo:
Just go away, Sam…wait, you were actually serious.
Sam:
I’ll never let go!
Frodo:
Look, there’s Mordor. I’m sure the next movie’s going to be just as happyand lighthearted as this one.
Fans:
Must…resist…urge…to…kill…Peter…Jackson…
PeterJackson:If I get stuck with all the technical Oscars again, I’ll be

the one doing the killing…

By Jerry the Frog Productions

Also see:

The Two Towers – “Scared Newborn Little Ponies”

The Return of the King – “Superglued Myself to a Flaming Bowling Ball”