ROTK: Puppet Theater

 

The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents:

Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King

“Superglued Myself to a Flaming Bowling Ball”

 

 

Deagol:
It’s sure nice to be out fishing with such a great friend like you, Smeagol!Ooh, pretty ring.
Smeagol:
Trust me, this treacherous death is for your own good! *STRANGLE*
Gollum:
And we forgot stuff. And developed multiple personality disorder. And startedtalking in third person plural.
Sam:
Get up Mr. Frodo, you’re gonna miss the bus!
Frodo:
Guhhh…five more minutes…
Gollum:
Come on, your impending doom’s not gonna wait forever.

~ LOTR ~

Aragorn:
Since when did Isengard become Noah’s Ark?
Merry:
YO, my homies!
Gandalf:
I’m disturbingly amused that you consider me “young,” Treebeard.
Treebeard:
Thanks to us, Christopher Lee’s role in this trilogy is over.
Saruman:
What, no ‘Voice of Saruman?’ No ‘Scouring of the Shire?’ I protest!
Pippin:
Ooh, something shiny! *YOINK*
Gandalf:
…But they still threw in the palantir. Dang.
Eowyn:
*AHEM* I’m still available…
Aragorn:
…And I’m still taken. How many hints do you need?

~ LOTR ~

Gollum:
The supremely animated conversations with myself return!
Gollum:
Kill!
Smeagol:
Doubt!
Gollum:
Foreshadowing!
Smeagol:
Cool.
Sam:
I beg to differ! *PUNCHSMACKWALLOP*
Frodo:
Lay off Sam, you big meanie.
Sam:
ARGH.

~ LOTR ~

Pippin:
Curiosity may have killed the Took, but who cares.
Sauron:
Is Saruman there? Whoops, wrong number.
Pippin:
Help, I’ve superglued myself to a flaming bowling ball!
Merry:
Don’t worry, I’ll sit here and do nothing.
Aragorn:
Let’s play hot palantir!
Gandalf:
Pippin, you moron! …Oh wait, you’re in agony. Guess I gotta be sensetivenow…
Pippin:
I saw death, destruction and doom.
Gandalf:
That’s the best news I’ve heard all week. Theoden, we could use some Rohirrimbackup.
Theoden:
But that, of course, would require me giving a horse’s arse.
Gandalf:
Psh, thanks for your help. C’mon Pippin, we’re blowing this popsicle stand.
Merry:
It’s time for Tearful Separation #1! *SNIFFLE*
Gandalf:
…And here we have Minas Tirith, representing our Greco-Roman influences.
Shadowfax:
HUFFHUFF…I’ll be impressed once they install an escalator…HUFFHUFF…
Gandalf:
Okay, unlike Theoden, this dude is actually crazy. So just try and shutup for once in your life.
Pippin:
…Sorry, were you talking to me?
Denethor:
Don’t both me, I’m grieving.
Boromir:
ARROWED!
Pippin:
In that case, allow me to do something entirely rash and senseless!
Denethor:
How sweet of you. Now get lost, shorty.
Pippin:
Nice armor, but by service I sort of meant washing dishes.
Gandalf:
I’m not sure whether it’s convenient or problematic that Mordor looks soclose to here.
Gollum:
There’s Minas Morgul, but we’re not going that way.
Frodo:
Cool. Let’s go to Minas Morgul!
Sam:
I see you still have that problem with selective hearing, Mr. Frodo.
MinasMorgul:

FWOOOOM.

Pippin:
…Um, is it supposed to do that?
NazgulKing:

I’ve returned, and now with extra sharp pointy helmet scariness!

Orcs:
Are we going to have these ranks all the way to Gondor?
Gollum:
Yes. An invincible orc army. Real exciting. Up the stairs we go.
Frodo:
Yet another place that needs an escalator…

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:
It’s finally time to prove that you really are competent, Pippin.
Pippin:
I get praised for lighting things on fire! Score!
BeaconGuards:

We’ve been waiting here on this mountain for our entire lives for someone

to light that beacon…finally our

existences have meaning!

Aragorn:
Just got a call from Gondor. They say they’re screwed and need backup,stat.
Theoden:
Oh, I guess we can be good neighbors now.
Frodo:
I am never, ever buyinga stairmaster after this.
Gollum:
Time for my daily dose of ring-oggling.
Frodo:
A little help, here…
Gollum:
Then let me help plant the seeds of distrust!
Sam:
ARGH again!

~ LOTR ~

Arwen:
Well, this sure is a depressing way to end my relationship with the manI love.
Arwen’sSon:

See, now I’m not going to exist. Thanks for nothing.

Arwen:
Whoops, forgot to put the cat out!
Elrond:
Are you still whiningabout that becoming mortal thing?
Arwen:
Just reforge the sword and get over it, daddy.
Elrond:
Fine, whatever.
Fans:
Why didn’t they just do that in the first place?

~ LOTR ~

Theoden:
Where are all my armies? When I say “Muster the Rohirrim,” Imean anything male and breathing!
Merry:
Cool, that means I count!
Eomer:
Maybe when you down a few more gallons of entdraught, kiddo.
Legolas:
What’s up with the freaky mountain?
Theoden:
Oh, it just happens to be a place of unspeakable evil.
Aragorn:
…Which of course means we’ll be going there.
Faramir:
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to defend this run-down river ruin for no goodreason.
OrcCaptain:

I’m the best-lookin’ orc in Middle Earth, my my my!

Faramir:
*FIGHTCLASHSTABASSKICKED*
Nazgul:
Surprise, suckers!
Faramir:
Run away! Run away!
PeterJackson:

No horses were harmed in the making of this film. …Less than 40, anyway.

Gandalf:
It’s my ultra-brilliant backlighting to the rescue!
Nazgul:
Noo, our sunblock is only SPF 15! Flee!
Gandalf:
As you can see, it’s a dang good thing Rohan is on their way here. So nyeahto your sucky judgement.
Denethor:
Like I care. Why isn’t anyone brave enough to follow my acts of lunacy?
Faramir:
Daddy, do you love me?
Denethor:
Quite frankly, no. Now bring me KFC.
Faramir:
See if you get a Christmas present from me thisyear…

~ LOTR ~

Gollum:
I got an A+ in Framing Innocent Hobbits 101.
Sam:
Have I thanked you for making my life a living hell lately?
Frodo:
I’m about ready for some vittles.
Gollum:
Except Sam stole all the vittles. Heh heh.
Sam:
Has our relationship meant nothing?!
Frodo:
This is all for the sake of the hardcore angst. Now shove off, porky.
Sam:
“ARGH” doesn’t even begin to cover this.

~ LOTR ~

Arwen:
Hey Aragorn, mind if I waste away in your deepest, darkest nightmares?
Aragorn:
I do mind! …And why exactly is Theoden inviting me to his tent in themiddle of the night?
Elrond:
We meet again, Mr. Anderson…I mean, Aragorn.
Aragorn:
So Arwen is dying. I hate my subconscious.
Elrond:
I’m not your biggest fan either, but become king and save the world anyway.
Elrond:
Which, by the way, involves going into the mountain full of unspeakableevil.
Aragorn:
Well, I’m off. Don’t mind me if I’m fashionably late to the epic battle.
Eowyn:
Does this mean you’re breaking up with me?
Aragorn:
If we were ever a couple to begin with, then probably yes.
Theoden:
Well, Aragorn’s abandoned us, and we’re pretty much screwed. But who cares!
Eomer:
Has anyone ever told you that you suck at pep-talking?

~ LOTR ~

Faramir:
Well daddy, let’s see if you’ll love me after I’m brutally slaughtered.
Gandalf:
Come on, you don’t really havea death wish…
Faramir:
I do so! Charge!
Denethor:
Sing, pawn, or I shall force you to participate in ‘Gondor Idol.’
Pippin:
I’m too sexy for my voice…
Fans:
Is it bad that we’re drooling while tons of courageous men are being butchered?
Pippin:
*SNIFFLE*
Fans:
He made the hobbit cry! He really is a bastard!

~ LOTR ~

Gimli:
So why exactly is this mountain so freaky?
Legolas:
Hi, I’m Legolas, and I’ll be your history teacher for today.
Aragorn:
If they way is shut, how come the door’s open?
Theoden:
Off to war we go! …And no hobbits allowed.
Merry:
Why must you crush my dreams of glory?
Eowyn:
Then let’s be misfit soldiers together!
Merry:
Get to share a saddle with hot armored chick for several days’ ride…gome!
Aragorn:
Anybody hoooooome?
UndeadKing:

Can’t you read? ‘The Way is Shut’ means no trespassers, ye varmits!

Aragorn:
Oh! Look at my shiny sword! Can’t touch this!
UndeadKing:

&

#@$ curse…. %&*# pledge…

~ LOTR ~

OrcCaptain:

Bigger walls, bigger orc armies to blow up walls…I like this.

Denethor:
AHH, my son’s died!
Faramir:
Um, still breathing?
Denethor:
AHH, Rohan’s abandoned us!
Theoden:
Uh, getting there?
Denethor:
AHH, we’re– THWACK
Gandalf:
Hopefully that’ll knock some sense into you, since you’ve got the bumpto prove it.
Orcs:
Here, we’ll help you get a head in life.
Gandalf:
Crap, that probably just decreased morale by 9 points.
Orcs:
We chuck huge rocks at ‘joo!
Men:
Two can play at that game!
Nazgul:
How about the game where we pick you up and then drop you from hundredsof feet up?
Men:
We could, um…scratch our nails on chalkboard…
Denethor:
I’m still crazy, only now I have a headache. I know, I’ll light myselfand my son on fire!
Pippin:
He’s not dead yet…he’s getting better…
Denethor:
Only suicidal psychopaths are invited to this party, so make like a whitetree and leave.
Pippin:
Yikes, better get t’ playin’ Lassie…
OrcCaptain:

Say hi to our battering ram…his name’s Lassie, too.

Trolls:
Peek-a-boo!
Gandalf:
Well, screw that.
OrcCaptain:

One wall down, six more to go.

~ LOTR ~

Gollum:
Look, it’s a dark and creepy tunnel. Ladies first!
Frodo:
I have a bad feeling about this. (TM)
Shelob:
I make Aragog look like the itsy bitsy spider.
Arachnophobes:
We hate you, J. R. R. Tolkien!
Frodo:
Fear my lightbulb, beast of hell!
Shelob:
Get in mah belleh! Or that failing, at least my web.
Frodo:
Crap.
Gollum:
Here, maybe I can get in a few taunts before running for my measley life.
Frodo:
Freedom! I love this little sword!
Gollum:
What part of “get eaten by giant spider and DIE” do you not understand?!
Frodo:
Heh, looks like he took a little tumble off the cliff.
Fans:
Well that’s asurefire sign he survived…
Frodo:
I’m spent. Naptime!
Galadriel:
Arise from your slumber, o exhausted one!
Frodo:
Now that’s what I call a pick-me-up.
Shelob:
Hey, remember me? I’m still hungry.
Frodo:
*GURGLE*
Shelob:
Tonight, the part of the mummy will be played by Frodo.
Sam:
Okay, nobody butme’s allowed to touch Frodo that way!
Shelob:
You wanna make something of it, punk?
Sam:
With the power of the elven lightbulb, I vanquish thee!
Shelob:
Ooh, I’m sooo scared of your widdle wightbulb.
Sam:
How about a sword in your stomach, then?
Shelob:
*URK* Okay okay, I’m leaving…
Sam:
I was too late! I really do suck!
Frodo:
Relax, I’m just going for the new gothic undead look.
Orc:
He’s not dead yet…sucks to be him!

~ LOTR ~

Denethor:
Mmm, nothing like a cold oil shower at the end of a useless reign as steward.
Pippin:
Gandalf! Denethor’s planning a barbecue, and it isn’t even Memorial Dayyet!
Gandalf:
How many times am I going to have to whack that freak over the head?
Denethor:
How dare you try to stop me from crispy-frying my son! *STRANGLE*
Faramir:
*YAWN* …Hey, is something burning?
Denethor:
That’d be me. AIIIIEEEEE!
Theoden:
We’re going to die, but go us! Charge and tally ho and all that!
OrcCaptain:

I think I just wet myself.

Rohirrim:
TRAMPLETRAMPLETRAMPLE
Theoden:
Wow, that went a lot better than expected.
Oliphaunts:
Yo.
Theoden:
…Or not.
Eowyn:
Relax, we’ll just pull the same stunts they did to the AT-ATs in ‘EmpireStrikes Back.’
Eomer:
Two with one spear! I rock!
Eowyn:
Watch where you’re killing those things!
NazgulKing:

Let’s play bowling for Rohirrim!

Theoden:
…Oof. There go all my internal organs.
Eowyn:
My wrath is scarier than your wrath.
NazgulKing:

That was my favorite winged monster of doom! Now I smush you!

Merry:
Surprise attack!
Eowyn:
You say no man can kill you? Ha, I am “no man!”
NazgulKing:

Noo, I’m imploding from your infallible logic!

Theoden:
Before I die, let’s throw in a few more Star Wars references.
Eowyn:
War sucks after all. Crap.
Aragorn:
Check it out, I’ve got my own invincible undead army
UndeadKing:

Finally, we get rewarded for mindless slaughter!

Oliphaunt:
AGH, a green cloud of death is attacking my butt!
Pippin:
Look Merry, I kicked ass and saved a lot of important people!
Merry:
Me too! I think we deserve a statue.
Gandalf:
Nice job, Aragorn. Calling on an invincible undead army is a surefire signof divine right to rule.
UndeadKing:

Speaking of, can we go now? Huh? Huh, can we?

Aragorn:
Sure, get lost.
Gandalf:
So…who’s in charge of cleanup?

~ LOTR ~

Frodo:
Ahh…I feel like I’ve lost so many things at once…
Orcs:
Cool, mithril! Let’s kill each other over it!
Sam:
Hey, makes my job easier.
Frodo:
Thanks for saving me…now GIMMIEGIMMIEGIMME!
Sam:
…Wha? Sorry, I was kinda staring at you with your shirt off.
Frodo:
Well dangit, there’s a jillion orcs between us and Mount Doom.
Sam:
*SNICKER*
Frodo:
Now what?
Sam:
Sorry, you just look really dorky in that orc outfit.

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:
Well, we schmacked Mordor good, but Frodo’s still screwed.
Aragorn:
Then let’s enact Operation: We’re-The-Bait.
Legolas:
You sure that’s a good idea?
Aragorn:
Hey, it’s not like Denethor or Theoden are gonna argue.
Gimli:
Come on guys, it’s bloody and bitter defeat! What’s not to love?
Orcs:
Marching out again? I though we fulfilled our fight scene quota!
Sam:
Stop, drop and roll, Mr. Frodo!
Frodo:
Righty-o. *PASSOUT*
Sauron:
I guess this is when two eyes would come in handy.
Aragorn:
You guys suck! You big pansies! Come out’n fight like orcs!
Orcs:
MARCHMARCHMARCH
Legolas:
Aragorn…shut up.
Sam:
C’mon Mr. Frodo, let’s sing “These are a few of my favorite things.”
Frodo:
At the moment, I could really use some chapstick.
Sam:
I shall carry you! Observe my ultimate act of love…um, friendship!
Fans:AWWWWWWWW.
Gollum:Guess it’s up to Smeagol to ruin this brotherly joy.
Sam:You goin’ down, baldy! *WHACKCRASHROLLTHUNK*
Frodo:And suddenly I have energy! Away I go.
Aragorn:Let’s fight, ’cause there’s no way the audience has had their fill of epic

battles yet.

Nazgul:Death from abooooove!
Eagles:It’s a Middle Earth dogfight!
Moth:In these kinds of movies, even the moth can be a hero.
Sam:Oh hey, Mr. Frodo! You can destroy the ultimate evil any day now.
Frodo:Nah, changed my mind. Suckers!
Sam:Nooo! I cries a sad cry.
Gollum:Guess it’s time for that part I have yet to play, for good or ill.
Frodo:That was my favorite finger! *SHOVE*
Gollum:I can die happy now. Wait, I didn’t actually mean that! *BLURBLE*
Ring:I’m not dead yet! I shall throw out symbolism to the last.
Sam:Gotta save Mr. Frodo, or the Tolkien purists will kill us all! *YANK*
Orcs:Our lives have no purpose! Flee!
Ring:*BLUB BLUB BLUB*
Sauron:Damn that infallible clause of good conquering evil! COLLAPSE!
Nazgul:AIIIIEEEE!
Mordor:SCHMACKED!
Everyone Else:WOO!
Sam:Go figure that saving the world also includes all of Mordor self-destructing.
Frodo:Even though we’re trapped in a river of molten lava, I’m still glad you’re

my special friend.

Sam:…Except I wanna marry Rosie.
Frodo:Well, fine. Guess the subtext’s gonna stay subtext after all.
Fangirls:But look! There’s a blackout! Evidence! See? See?!
Sam:Get over it; that was merely artistic.
Eagles:Please remain unconscious until the eagle has come to a complete stop.

Thank you for flying Massive Eagle Airlines.

~ LOTR ~

Gandalf:Hey Frodo, you’re alive! That’s hilarious!
Frodo:I know, isn’t it?
Sam:Guess I gotta represent the morose for this group.
Gandalf:By a unaminous vote, you now get to wear this nifty winged crown.
Aragorn:I’m king of the world!
Eowyn:I guess Peter Jackson couldn’t squeeze in the Houses of Healing, but still…
Arwen:Betcha can’t find me; I’m hiding behind the banner.
Aragorn:Aw, to hell with formality. Smooch attack!
Pippin:Since you won’t be formal, I guess us hobbits will.
Aragorn:No way, you guys rocks my socks. You deserve some serious bowage.
Frodo:Cool, everyone’s as tall as us now.

~ LOTR ~

Merry:Alright, I’ve always wanted to ride back home victorious from an epic world-changing

battle.

Pippin:So…it’s beer. Exciting.
Sam:Well, I said I was gonna marry Rosie, and so I have. Now I’m happy and

domestic.

Slash Fans:Nooo, say it isn’t so…
Sam:I said get over it!
Frodo:Darn, now life seems empty and hollow. Guess I’ll become an author.
Sam:Nice handwriting. Do we have to go visit your crazy uncle?
Bilbo:So where’s that shiny ring I gave you?
Frodo:Haven’t you been watching this movie?… Oh, never mind.
Elrond:Well, we’re finally leaving you wackos for a better place.
Galadriel:Okay, so the world was saved after all. Silly me.
Gandalf:C’mon Frodo, you’ve also got an invitation to this elven pseudo-heaven.
Sam:And just when I thought we were through with tearful separations…
Frodo:…You thought wrong! Time for me to sail off into the symbolic sunset.
Sam:And of course, we end with a little homage to the literary fans…
Peter Jackson:Best Picture Oscar, here I come!
Fans:If it doesn’t win, we’re bombing the Academy.

By Jerry the Frog Productions

Also see:

The Fellowship of the Ring – “Foreboding Drum Music”

The Two Towers – “Scared Newborn Little Ponies”