by Legolas son of Thranduil of Ringbearer.org
See the lights. See the hobbits. See the food. See the beer. See the ale. It is Bilbo’s party. What a good party this will be!
The party has come. It comes at last. The hobbits are glad. See them eat. See them talk. See them drink ale by the barrel. See them dance.
Look! Look there! Look who is dancing! It is Frodo. He has a silly smile on his face. He dances. He dances in a silly way. He dances oddly. How silly he looks!
See the fireworks. Gandalf sets them off. Trees, fountains, and many many arrows. They are all fireworks. Too bad then arrows don’t strike. It is so fun to see arrows strike. It is fun when they strike orcs. They look so silly, striked down.
See the hobbit. He drinks ale. The hobbits sits. He sits on his bottom. We all sit on our bottoms. Don’t you?
He looks at a girl hobbit. She is pretty. Her name is Rosie. Go dance with her you silly hobbit!
See Frodo come. Sit down Frodo! This hobbit is your pal! Who is your pal?
“This is Sam. Sam is good. Sam is my pal. Sam is a good pal. Is Sam your pal too?”
No, you silly hobbit. How could Sam be our pal when we just met him? But will you be our pal Sam?
“I am Sam. My name is Sam. Sam is who I am. I will be your pal.”
“Look Sam. There is Rosie. You like Rosie. You check her out. You think she is hot. Go dance with her!”
See Sam. See how he stares at the girl. See his face. It is red. Why are you cross Sam?
“But I am not cross. I am shy. I am shy because my pal does not fib. I think Rosie is hot. But I am too shy. I do not want to dance.”
See Frodo push Sam. What a good pal he is! Good pals always push and shove and hit and punch and kick. No, silly! That is a fib! Pals should not do those things. Frodo is a very naughty pal!
But now Sam is dancing with Rosie. Frodo is not so naughty at all.
See Bilbo. Bilbo likes to show off. He likes to tell stories. See him tell a story. The boys and girls listen. They like stories. Even when the stories are full of shi……fibs.
Hear the tale. What is the tale of, Bilbo?
“It is of me. It is of trolls. Trolls are big. Trolls are mean. But they are not green. In the tale there are three. All three are mean. They want to eat my pals. They want to eat me. They want to cook us.”
That is bad! You should not cook a hobbit. What naughty trolls! Hobbits have germs. Germs are bad. Do you like germs Bilbo?
“Oh no! I do not like germs. Do you like germs?”
“No. We do not like germs,” say the boys and girls. Germs are bad.
What do you do in the tale Bilbo?
“I sit. I watch. I wait. But I am not scared. I could fight. I could fight all the trolls. I could bash them silly!”
This is a fib, Bilbo! How could you fight three big trolls? You do not know kung fu. You would be squashed like a fly.
“I do not like flies. They eat my food. Those naughty flies!”
What happens in the tale now?
“I wait. The trolls are cross. One wants to cook us on a stick. That silly troll! We are not marshmallows! Marshmallows come in bags. My pals and I do not! One wants to sit on us and squish us! That naughty troll! That would hurt us! One wants us in a pie. How silly! Then we can not breath. We would die in the pie. The trolls fuss. They yell. They shout. But a thing happens! The sun comes. The sun is done napping. It is up. It shines. Do you know what happens to trolls in the sun?”
The boys and girls do not know. But then they think they do. They ask Bilbo.
“Do they sing? Do they play ball? Do they go fishing with elves? Do they pick flowers? Do they sit on cats? Do they sit on hats?”
What silly little hobbits. They do not know. What happens Bilbo?
“No they do not play ball or sit on cats or sit on hats. They do not sing. Poof! They turn hard and grey. They turn to rocks. Now I am safe. My pals are safe. That is the tale. It is true. Boo, boo!”
Hear Bilbo say boo, boo. See him make a face. The face is not nice. It is very ugly. Hear the boys and girls scream. See them run. Run little hobbits, run! See Bilbo laugh. How naughty! It is not nice to make faces after telling a tale!
See Gandalf. He smiles with glee. He goes to his cart. On his cart there is a box. In the box are fireworks. He takes some out. He goes back to the party.
But oh! There is a sneak. The sneak is a hobbit. See how he sneaks. He hits the tent.
“Ouch!” says the tent. “That hurt Merry. That was not nice. A button fell off my vest. Mother will be cross!”
That is not the tent talking! Tents do not talk. Tents do not wear vests with buttons. Tents do not have mothers who are cross. It is a hobbit. A hobbit comes out of the tent. He is a silly hobbit! What is your name hobbit?
“I am Pippin. I have a real name. But I can not say it. I can not spell it. It is too long. So I am called Pippin. It is easy to spell. Do you wish your name was Pippin?”
Yes Pippin. That would be good. I would be easy to spell. Who is your pal?
“I am Merry.”
Why are you merry? Is it because the party is good? Is it because you are glad to be with pals?
“No silly! I am not merry. My name is Merry. I have a long name too. It is too long to say and spell. I like my short name better. I wish my last name was not Brandybuck. I wish it was Christmas. Then my name would be Merry Christmas.”
That is funny! Funny, funny, funny! If you got napped in a sack by a man, the man would be a grinch. He would be a grinch who stole Merry Christmas!
You two are silly. You two are sneaky. Why are you sneaking?
“We are going to play a joke. The joke will be funny. We will nap a firework from the cart. We will set it off. It will scare everyone!”
See Merry. He lifts Pippin on the cart. Pippin takes a firework. Hear Merry. What are you saying Merry?
“I am saying that the firework is too small. It is not big enough. It will not be scary. Take the big one. Take the one that is big and red.”
Pippin finds it. He takes it. It is big. It is red. It is bright and very big. See the two hobbits run. Run, hobbits, run! Where are you going, you sneaky hobbits?
“We go to a place. We go to a place that is safe. We do not want to be caught. Gandalf would be very cross!”
They go in a tent. See their faces. They are glad. They smile with glee. See Pippin. The firework has a stick. He puts the stick in the ground. See him light it.
“There. The firework is in the ground. Now we watch and wait. I am proud.”
Oh, oh, oh! Pippin! You make a blunder! Fireworks are for outside! You are inside! This is bad!
“Pippin! You are silly! You did not do it right! Fireworks have sticks! The sticks have to be in the ground!”
“Merry! You are silly! Look! Look and see! The firework is in the ground! See how it stands!”
“I look! I see! I am not silly! Fireworks are for outside! Look Pippin! Do you see the sky? Do you see stars and trees?”
“No Merry,” says Pippin. “I do not see them. I do not see those things!”
“Do you know why Pippin?” asks Merry. “See the walls. See the roof. We are in a tent! If we are in a tent, we are not outside! We are in trouble!”
“Merry! You are silly! You told me to get the firework! You did not say what to do! It is your fault!”
Oh! What will you do, you silly hobbits?
“Let’s take it outside!” says Merry. “Then we will not be in trouble!”
“But Merry, Merry!” says Pippin. “It is too late! Look! Look at the fuse!”
Merry looks. But he is puzzled. Why are you puzzled Merry?
“I am puzzled because I look. I look but I do not see. I do not see a fuse. Where is the fuse, Pippin?”
“That is the trouble! The fuse is gone! There is no fuse now! The firework will go off now!”
Hear the sound. The sound is a loud boom. See the firework. The firework takes off. Hear the screams. Merry and Pippin scream. They scream like girls. They are very scared. Does Pippin wet his pants?
“I will not tell you!” cries Pippin.
The firework flies up high. It takes the tent for a ride. Now the two naughty hobbits are not in the tent. There is no tent. They are outside. They fall. They look at the firework.
See the firework. It goes up.
Look! Now it is not a firework! It is a dragon! He grows wings. He is made of fire and light. He glows red and orange.
See him turn. He looks down. He sees hobbits. He is glad. Why are you glad, you silly dragon?
“I am glad because I see hobbits. I like hobbits. They are yummy treats. I like to eat Hobbit McNuggets.”
That silly dragon! He does not know that he is not real! He is just light. Light can not eat Hobbit McNuggets!
See the dragon. He flies low. He flies over a thing. What is the thing?
The thing is the party. The hobbits at the party are scared. They run. Run, hobbits, run!
See Frodo. He sees the dragon. See Bilbo. He does not see the dragon. Oh, oh! What will happen?
“Look Bilbo! A dragon comes! It comes to eat us! Run, run, run!”
“No Frodo,” says Bilbo. “You fib. Dragons do not live here. They do not like the smell of hobbit feet. They live far away. You drank too much beer and ale, you naughty hobbit! Naughty, naughty, naughty!”
Frodo pushes Bilbo down. Look out hobbits!
The dragon flies over the hobbits. See him fly!
Oh! He blows up! See the big, big firework. It is very big. It is very nice.
“Wow!” say the hobbits.
“Wow!” says Merry and Pippin.
Those naughty hobbits! Oh, oh! Look at them! See their faces. They have soot all over their faces. See their hair. Their hair stands up. It looks like they stuck forks in the outlet.
How silly you look! Silly, silly hobbits!
“That was good!” says Merry. “That was big! It scared everyone. You got scared too Pippin! Look! Look at your pants! They are wet!”
“I fell in a puddle,” says Pippin. “I fell in and got wet. That is why my pants are wet.”
“But Pippin,” says Merry. “We are not outside. We are in a tent. There are no puddles in tents. I think you fib!”
See Pippin. His face is red. Are you cross Pippin?
“No. I am not cross. My face is not red. It just looks red. It looks red because the sky is dark. Let’s talk of another thing. The thing is that we should get another firework. We should nap one from the cart again. We should set it off. But now we will look. We will look and see. If we see sky and stars and trees, we can set it off. If we see walls and a roof, we can not set it off.”
“You are wise Pippin!” says Merry. “That is a good idea! I am glad you are my pal! Let’s go get one!”
Oh, oh, oh! Someone comes! Who could it be?
It is Gandalf. Gandalf looks very cross. See his hands. The hands grab two big ears. The ears are Merry and Pippin’s ears. Why are you cross Gandalf?
“I am cross at the two hobbits. They took my surprise. I wanted to surprise all the hobbits. You naughty hobbits! Now you will pay, you sneaky hobbits!”
Look Gandalf! Look and see who the two hobbits are.
Gandalf looks. “It is Meriadoc Brandybuck. It is Peregrin Took too. You two were always sneaky. You are still sneaky. Maybe you should grow up. You are old enough.”
Gandalf looks. Hear him talk.
“Why is your pants wet Pippin?”
Merry says “His pants are wet because he fell. he fell in a puddle in the tent.”
Gandalf looks puzzled.
“But there are no puddles in tents,” says Gandalf. “Puddles are outside. I think you fib, Pippin.”
See Pippin. he is very red.
“I want to work. I like to do work. Work is hard but fun. Can we do work now?”
Merry is shocked. But Gandalf is glad. he leads the hobbits away. He leads them by the ear.
See the hobbits. It is Merry and Pippin. They are in a tent. They do work. They wash dishes. Do they wash clean dishes? No silly! Clean dishes do not need cleaning!
Pippin is cross. His hands are tired. Hear him talk.
“I hate work! I hate to clean dishes! I do not want to work!”
Gandalf has a silly smile on his face. Why do you smile Gandalf?
“It is a secret. I will not tell. So Pippin does not like work. Come Pippin, you can stop. You can come. We will not do work. We will so another thing. We will talk. We will talk of pants that are wet.”
See Pippin. His face is red. Hear him talk.
“I will wash dishes. It is fun to wash dishes. I like washing dishes.”
Gandalf smiles a secret smile again.
See the cake. The cake is very big. Many hobbits carry the cake. The cake is full of candles. There are more than sixty candles. There are one hundred and eleven. One, one one. It is Bilbo’s birthday cake.
See Bilbo stand up. He stands on a block because he is short. Now the hobbits can see him better. What are you going to do Bilbo?
“I am going to talk. I am going to talk for long. I am going to say a speech.”
Hear the hobbits. Some are happy.
“We want to hear a speech! Speeches are fun! We like speeches!”
But some hobbits are not happy.
“Do not say a speech! Your speeches are boring! They make us nap! We do not want to nap! It is not bedtime yet!”
But Bilbo talks. What are you saying, Bilbo?
“I am going to say their names. Hobbits forget their names from too much ale. Bagginses and Boffins and Tooks and Brandybucks and Grubbs and Chubbs and Hornblowers and Bolgers and Bracegirdles and Proudfoots!”
The hobbits think. Now they remember! Those are the names of their families! Now they remember their names! But one does not. “My name is Proudfeet! I remember well enough!” he says in a silly voice that sounds like he had very much ale.
Bilbo knows he had too much ale. He does not say the name again. But he talks more.
“Today I am one hundred eleven years old! That is more than most of you can count. One, one, one years is much. But it is not enough. It is not enough time to live with good hobbits. You hobbits are good. You hobbits are my pals. Some of you I want to know more. Some of you I do not like at all. But I should like you all. There is a thing I have to do.”
See Bilbo play with a ring. This ring is One Ring. One Ring is Bilbo’s pal still. But One Ring misses his old pal Sauron.
Bilbo is puzzled and glum. Why are you puzzled and glum, Bilbo?
“I am puzzled and glum because I did a blunder. I should have left. I should have left a long time ago. I am too old to do this. I am too old to remind hobbits who had too much ale of their names. They are old enough to remember their names. But I will miss Frodo. He is my pal.”
Look at Bilbo. Now he does not look glum. He looks sneaky. What will you do Bilbo?
“I will play a joke. The joke will puzzle every hobbit. Then I will laugh.”
Naughty, naughty Bilbo! You are too old to joke! Merry and Pippin joke. But they are young. You are old. But if you play a joke, do not make your pants wet.
“I have a thing to say,” says Bilbo. “I regret to say the thing. The thing is that I will play a joke. The joke is that I will disappear. No hobbit or wizard will see me. You will all be puzzled. You will never see me again. I will disappear now. Do not miss it.”
“You are old and silly!” says a hobbit who did not have much ale. “Hobbits can not disappear! Only wizards can!”
“Look!” says Bilbo. “Look and see! Bye hobbit pals. Bye hobbits I do not like. Bye wizard. Bye Frodo.”
Oh! Look! Look and see! Bilbo is not there! Bilbo is not here! Where is Bilbo?
He put on One Ring. One Ring made him invisible.
Hear the footsteps. There is noone there! Could it be Bilbo?
See Bilbo’s house. Noone is there. The door opens. See the room. Bilbo is not there. Now Bilbo is there! That sneaky hobbit! He used One Ring! Can we see your magic Ring Bilbo?
“No! You can not see it! I do not want you to take it! It is mine! Mine, mine, mine!”
See him pick up his stick. See him walk to another room. Oh, oh! Gandalf is there! How did you get here fast? Do you have a magic ring too, Gandalf?
“Wink, wink,” says Gandalf.
What do you mean Gandalf?
“It’s a secret. Bilbo, you are naughty. That was a bad joke.”
“Oh, Gandalf. You always say that when you do not get a joke!”
Gandalf looks cross. Why are you cross, Gandalf?
“I am cross because Bilbo is bad. He should not use the ring. Maybe the ring is bad.”
“You envy me!” says Bilbo. “You say this because you want a ring too! But you do not have one!”
“I do not envy you,” says Gandalf. “I do not need to. I have a ring too. But it is better.”
Oh! You have a ring too, Gandalf?
“Do you?” asks Bilbo.
“No! Why do you say that? You lie! I do not have a ring! That was a fib! I do not have one of the elf rings!”
Bilbo stops. See him think. But he is too old to think clear. He is puzzled.
“You puzzle me Gandalf. You always puzzle me. But I will do what you say. i will not use the Ring. I will go now. Will you watch Frodo? He is young. He is only fifty. He needs to be watched. I do not want him to have bad pals. Merry and Pippin are bad hobbits. I never want them to be his pals.”
“I will watch him. I will watch him with two eyes. I will watch him even if I lose one eye. You leave him all your things. Do you leave the Ring?”
“Yes. I put it on the high shelf. It is there.”
That sneaky Bilbo! He fibs. He has the Ring! See how he runs! He wants to run out of his home! He wants to run out as Gandalf does not look! But he is scared. He knows Gandalf. He knows Gandalf can turn him into stew.
“That was a fib Gandalf. It is in my pocket. The Ring is in my pocket. But I want it. I got it. Why can’t I keep it, you silly wizard?”
“Oh!” says Gandalf. “You little fibber! You did a bad thing! It is bad to fib! You give the Ring to me, you fibbing hobbit!”
See Bilbo. He is very cross.
“No! No! I will not give it to you! I found it! You should go find your own ring! This one is mine! It is my best pal! I will not give my pal away!”
“Why are you cross, Bilbo?” asks Gandalf. “Your pal Frodo will take care of it. He will take care of the Ring. He will take it for walks and play with it.”
“I am cross because you make me cross! I hate wizards! I hate wizards who take pals away! The Ring is my precious pal!”
See Bilbo. His face is too glad. He smiles like a mean clown. He smiles like a mean clown who drank much ale.
“It is your precious pal?” says Gandalf. “Now look. You are like Gollum. You are not green. But you are green. You had the Ring for your pal for long. Perhaps for too long.”
Bilbo is very cross. He yells. He spits when he yells.
“You bad wizard! You want to take my pal! You want to take it because you have no pals! Noone likes wizards like you! Noone likes moldy old wizards!”
See Gandalf. He is cross. He is very, very cross.
Oh, oh, oh! Bilbo should not get him mad! He can do scary things when he is mad!
Look! Look at the light! It is going away! See Gandalf! There is shadows all around him! He looks very cross! He looks big and mean! Hear his voice! His voice is low and mean!
“Bilbo Baggins! You forget who I am! You forget what I am! I am a magic wizard! I have bad powers! You should not mess with me! Do not mess with wizards! I have many pals! Not all of my pals are imaginary! I do not want to nap your stinky pal!”
Look! Look and see! The light is back! Where were you, you silly, silly light?
See Gandalf. He is not cross.
“I want to help. You are my old pal, Bilbo. I want to help you.”
Bilbo was scared. Now he is not. He feels bad. Why do you feel bad Bilbo?
“I feel bad because I was mean. I was green and mean. Sorry Gandalf! You do not fib. I am like Gollum. I will leave the Ring. I will leave the Ring for Frodo.”
See Bilbo. He gets his things. He goes to the door. But oh! One thing is not right!
“Bilbo! You still have the Ring! I am old. I am old but you can not trick me!”
Look! Bilbo takes the ring. The ring is in his hand. He holds it.
“But Gandalf! Tell Frodo to take it for walks. Tell him to play with it!”
He drops his pal. It drops hard. Does it yell? No silly! Rings do not have mouths!
“I know how to end my book,” says Bilbo.
“The boring book? The boring book that will make me nap?” asks Gandalf.
“Yes that book. It is not boring. I have a good ending. It is very good. It is: The End.”
“That is good! That is very good!” says Gandalf. “What a fun end! Fun, fun, fun! You will live happy till the end of your days! The End is the best book end ever!”
See them. They shake hands. They are good pals.
“Bye Gandalf, you silly wizard pal,” says Bilbo.
“Bye Bilbo, you silly old hobbit pal!” says Gandalf.
Bilbo goes away. He sings as he goes.
See Gandalf watch. See him smile. Why do you smile Gandalf?
“I smile because there are many bad things. There are many bad things on the road. The bad things like to eat hobbits. They like to kill hobbits. What a fun surprise for Bilbo! If they do not kill him or eat him, I will lose my bet. I will lose the bet I made with my pal. My pal is Elrond. Perhaps he will win the bet. Perhaps Bilbo will stay alive. Then I will see my old pal again!”
End part 2