See the Ring, the Ring is Bad – 5

by Legolas son of Thranduil of

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

Part Five

See the sky. It is dark. It is night time in Hobbiton. Oh! Look! Look and see! There is a man! Who are you, you silly man? What are you doing?

>”I am not a man. I am Gandalf. I do a thing. The thing is fun. The thing is legal. The thing is vandalism. See what I draw!”

What does Gandalf draw? He draws a hand. The hand points up. Does it point with the pointer finger? No. It points with another finger. How naughty! See the writing. It is of Sauron. It is very naughty. If Sauron saw, he would be cross. He would be very very cross.

>”I am done,” says Gandalf. “I am done my job. I did not get caught. Spiffy wizards never get caught.”

There is a sound. The sound is a voice. The voice is yelling. The voice sounds cross. It is getting closer very fast. What are you saying, voice?

>”I am cross! I see a bad thing! A man draws on our walls! Come here you naughty man! You will not get away!”

See Gandalf. See how he runs. Run, Gandalf, run!

>”I am not a man!” Gandalf yells. “I am a wizard! My name is Saruman! I live in Isengard! Tell the cops! Tell the cops who I am! Then they can catch me!”

Gandalf, you are not Saruman! Now Saruman will get caught! You are a naughty old wizard!

See the sky. It is not so dark. Why are you not so dark, you silly sky?

>”I am not so dark because I changed clothes. I wear new clothes. The clothes are called Dawn.”

That is right! How silly to ask! Someone is walking. Who is it?

It is Gandalf. It is Frodo too. Walk Gandalf! Walk Frodo!

See Gandalf lead a thing. Does he lead a dog with spots? Does he lead a popcorn buggy? Does he lead a damp glove on a leash? No silly! He leads a horse!

>”Sam!” says Gandalf. “Come! Hurry! You are so slow! You are slower than a pal I have. The pal is a stump. My stump pal is faster than you! Hurry, Sam, Hurry!”

See Sam run. Run, Sam, run! He catches up.

See them stop. They stop at some trees. Gandalf talks. What do you say, you silly grey wizard?

>”I tell Frodo and Sam what to do,” he says. “I tell them what not to do. I tell them the plan. You know the race plan, Frodo. Remember. I will be at Bree. Then you can start the race to get there. Be careful. Do not do silly things. Do not get caught. Do not lose the ring. Do not talk to birds. They can be spies too. Do not eat yogart after it expired seven weeks ago. Do not throw candy wrappers away. That will leave a trail.”

>”But Gandalf! Gandalf!” says Frodo. “We can not throw wrappers away. What will we do? What will we do with the wrappers?”

>”You will eat them. Wrappers are good for you,” says Gandalf. “They make your eyes work better. Frodo, is the ring pal safe?”

See Frodo. He pats his pocket. He winks. He gives a thumbs up. He claps. He jumps up and down.

>”Okay, Frodo, okay!” says Gandalf in an annoyed voice. “I get it. I know what you mean. But you are so silly! You can talk. You do not have to use sign language!”

Oh! Frodo is still clapping! He jumps. He runs in circles. He stops and bows. He snaps his fingers.

>”Oh, oh, oh!” says Sam. “Mr. Frodo is having a spastic again! That naughty silly hobbit! I will make him stop!”

See Sam. He grabs a thing. The thing is a pan from his pack. He lifts it. He swings hard. He hits Frodo very hard. Frodo falls. He falls flat on his face. He does not get up. He is taking an unwanted nap.

>”That was not so nice!” says Gandalf. “You should not hit your pal so hard! It was not nice at all. But it was very fun to see!”

Gandalf has to say more things. But Frodo does not listen. He is asleep. He is very asleep.

See Gandalf. He goes to Frodo. He kicks Frodo. But look! Frodo does not get up! See Gandalf. He takes of his shoe. Why do you take off your shoe, Gandalf?

>”I take it off because there is a smell. The smell could wake the dead. It is not so nice.”

See Sam. He falls. He is taking an unwanted nap too. The smell of wizard feet must be very bad.

See Gandalf. He holds his foot. He holds it near Frodo’s face. Hear Frodo cough. Hear Frodo choke. He sits up quick. But he smells the feet again. He falls back down.

Poor, poor Gandalf. What will you do, you silly wizard? How will you say things? Sam and Frodo are not so awake. They can not hear you.

>”I will wake them up. I have ice water. It is not easy. It is not easy to sleep when there is ice water on your face.”

See Gandalf. He has a silly smile on his face. He holds the bottle. He pours the water. He pours some on Frodo. He pours some on Sam.

Look! Look and see! The hobbits do not sleep! They are very awake. They are very wet. They do not know why they are wet.

>”Why am I wet?” asks Frodo. “Why am I very wet, Gandalf?”

>”I know why,” says Gandalf. “It is not a secret. You had a nap. You ran when you were taking a nap. You ran and ran. It was a hot day. You sweated. You sweated a lot. See how wet you are? You two are so silly! You should not go run when your are taking a nap!”

See Frodo’s face. He is not so glad. He is puzzled and cross.

>”Listen Frodo, listen,” says Gandalf. “I will tell you things. The things are not so funny. They will not make you glad. They will make your pants wet. These are the things:

>Fish can swim

>Golf is not a fast game

>You are awake when you are not napping

>The sky is not green

>Firemen have trucks. The trucks are big

>Firemen have dogs. The dogs have spots

>Horses have hooves

>Rings are round.

These are the things Frodo. Are you scared? Are your pants wet?”

See Frodo. He is not so glad. His face is red. He is cross. But look! He is puzzled! why are you puzzled, silly hobbit?

>”I am puzzled because I did not know. I did not know fish could swim! I did not know firemen had big trucks. What are firemen Gandalf? What are-”

>”I will tell you the real things now,” says Gandalf.

Gandalf is good at a thing. The thing is interuppting. He is very good at it.

>”Listen you silly hobbit!” says Gandalf. “Do not put the ring on. Do not wear it. Do not talk to it. The naughty pals will know where the ring is then. If you wear One Ring, they will know.”

>”How will they know?” asks Frodo.

>”What does round mean? What are hooves?” asks Sam. Sam thinks slowly.

>”It’s a secret Frodo.” says Gandalf. “You are dumb, Sam. Remember Frodo. Do not wear One Ring. Then it will yell loud. It will send a message to the bad pals. The message is S.O.S. Then you will be caught. Now I will go. We will start the race. You can go when I say go. Ready, Set!”

See Gandalf. He rides his horse away. He rides very fast. Ride, Gandalf, ride!

See the hobbits. They stand. They wait. They watch. They sit. They wait.

>”Why are we waiting?” asks Sam.

That is good. It is a good question. Why are you waiting, you silly hobbits?

>”Gandalf did not say ‘Go’ yet,” says Frodo. “I am not naughty. I wait. When Gandalf says ‘Go!’ then we will go.”

>”Mister Frodo! Mister Frodo!” says Sam. “Perhaps Gandalf said ‘Go.’ Perhaps we did not hear! Perhaps he tricked us!”

Frodo thinks. He thinks hard. He smiles.

>”You are right, Sam,” says Frodo. “I know a secret. That silly wizard forgot to say ‘Go.’ We will go now. We will go to Bree.”

See the land. It is a field. Long grass grows there. Why do you grow there, you silly, silly grass?

>”I grow there because I live there. It is my home. It is where I grew up. I am not silly at all.”

Oh! Look! Look there and see! Two hobbits come! It is Frodo and Sam. They are going to Bree. But wait! Sam stops. Why do you stop, you silly hobbit?

>”I stop because my shoes are untied,” says Sam. “That is not good. I could trip. I could fall. Falling is not so fun when your pack is heavy. Then you get crushed and you do not get up. So I am a bright hobbit. I tie my shoes.”

See Frodo. He stops too. He looks at Sam. He is puzzled. See him scratch his head.

>”Why did you stop, Sam?” asks Frodo. “We are not at Bree. Bree is still far. If we stop here, we are not getting closer to Bree. Why did you stop? What are you doing?”

>”I am tying my shoes,” says Sam. “I do not want to trip.”

See Frodo. He rolls his eyes. He is annoyed. Why are you annoyed, Frodo?

>”I am annoyed because Sam is dumb. He is dumber than me. Listen, Sam, listen. You do not wear shoes. You have no shoelaces to tie. Hurry up and come!”

See Sam. He is puzzled. He looks down. He sees his feet. He giggles.

>”You are right Frodo! I am so silly! I never wear shoes! But Frodo, Frodo! Look! See the line! It is invisible, but it is there! If i cross that line, I will break a law!”

Frodo is getting very cross.

>”That is stupid, Sam! You will not break the law! Come, Sam, come! We have to hurry! Stop talking of shoes! Stop talking of lines!”

>”Mister Frodo! Frodo!” says Sam.

>”What!” says Frodo in a cross voice. “What! What is it now?!”

>”If I take one step, I will be far from home. I will be very far. I will be farther than I ever was. Will I be homesick if I step? Will I get sick?”

See Frodo. He is not so cross. He feels pity for Sam.

>”Come, pal, come,” he says. “Do not worry. Remember, Sam. Remember what Bilbo always said. This is what he said:

‘It is not safe, Frodo. It is not so safe to step out your door. What if you trip and fall? What if it starts to rain? You’ll get wet! See Frodo? It is a very unsafe job to walk out your door. The road is not safe too. You do not know where you will go. Maybe you will get hit by a car. Maybe you will fall off a cliff. Maybe you will get drownded. Maybe a bad man will hit you on the head. Roads are fun but not so safe.’

See Sam? You do not have to worry. There is nothing to be scared of. Roads are very safe.”

See Sam. See his face. It is white. See his pants. Are they wet? Perhaps. He does not feel brave. But he is a good pal. He goes with Frodo.

Oh, oh, oh! Look! Look there! It is a Rider! Why are you here, you naughty, sneaky Rider?

>”I look for hobbits. I look for my pal’s ring pal. I look for stores. I want more chips and jam. I look for a washroom. I have to go. I stand here. I like to look scary. It is very fun! fun, fun, fun! I look. I look at the scenery. I look at the Shire. It is nice. It is very nice. See my eyes?”

No, you silly Rider. We do not see your eyes. They are hidden. Your hood hides them.

>”I will tell you then. There are tears. There are tears in my eyes. The Shire is so nice it brings tears to my eyes.”

Hear the sobbing. The Black Rider is sobbing. Maybe Riders are not so bad. Maybe they are not so bad at all. Maybe they are kind.

>”It is so nice,” says the Rider. “But there is a thing. The thing is this. It would be fun. It would be fun to burn the Shire. I like that kind of fun. It is nice, but burning is more fun!”

Maybe Riders are not so nice.

See the man. He rides a thing. Is it a whale? Is it a ferris wheel? No, silly! It is not those things! He rides a horse. Who are you, you silly old man?

>”I am not glad! I am very cross!”

Why are you cross, silly, silly man?

>”I am cross because you call me a man! I am not a man! I tell you. I tell you many times. But you still think I am a man! I am a wizard! I am Gandalf, that spiffy old wizard!”

Oh! It is Gandalf! How silly! Where are you going, Gandalf? Where do you go so fast?

>”I go pick up a thing,” he says. “I go pick up the pizzas I ordered. I ordered seven. They are big. I like to eat pizzas for a meal. Then I will go see a pal.”

Who is your pal, you silly wizard? Who do you go see?

>”I go see Sauron,” says the wizard. “Oh! That is a fib! Sauron is not my pal now. He borrowed my kite. He played with it in Mordor. He took it toMount DoomIt is not so good to fly kites in mountains that are full of fire. Now I have no kite. Now Sauron is not my pal. I do not like that silly guy!”

Yes, Gandalf, yes! We know he is not a good pal. But tell us, Gandalf. Tell us who your pal is. Tell us who you are going to see!

>”I will tell you. It is wizard. He is like me. He is a good pal. He thinks he is good. He thinks he is so spiffy. He is a bragger. I am the spiffiest wizard! His name is Saruman. He lives in a place. It is Isengard.”

See him ride. Ride, Gandalf, ride! Isengard is a silly name. Silly, silly, place! Why do you have such a silly name?

See the man. See his clothes. They are white. See his shoes. They are white. See his hair. See his beard. See the tissues in his pocket. They are all white. This is Saruman the White. Why is he called White? Is it because from head to toe this man is white? Perhaps.

He is a wizard. He is talking. Hear him talk.

>”I see smoke. It comes from a big hill. The hill is Mount Doom. The hour grows. Does the hour grow big or small? No, silly. The hour grows late. I see a horse. There is a rider on the horse. It is Gandalf the Grey. He thinks he is so spiffy. Is he my pal? Wait and see. Why does he come? He needs help. I know more things. He needs my help.”

See Saruman. See how he naps. He is old. He did not talk much. But he talked enough. He talked enough to take a nap. He is not so exciting. He even makes himself take naps. That is how exciting he is.

Snore, Saruman, snore! Oh! The snores are loud! They are louder than thunder! They could make snow roll down a mountain!

Look! Look and see! Gandalf is here! Saruman had a long nap. He is still napping. What will you do, Gandalf? Will you wake your pal?

Gandalf smiles a silly smile. Oh! That is not good!

>”It’s a secret,” he says.

See Gandalf. He takes out a thing. The thing is a pillow. It is grey. It is made of rubber. What a silly pillow! What is the pillow for, Gandalf? What will you do?

>”Wait and see,” he says with a silly smile on his face.

See him put the pillow down. He puts it close to Saruman’s head. Gandalf sits on it. He sits on it hard.

Oh! Hear the sound1 The sound is very loud. The sound is very rude. Saruman wakes up. He wakes up fast.

Gandalf, what made the rude loud noise? Did the pillow make the noise?

>”Yes,” says Gandalf. “But it is not just a pillow. It is a cushion. It is my special pal. It is my silly pal. This pal is fun. It is fun to take it to quiet meetings.”

>”Gandalf,” says Saruman. “Put your silly pillow away. You are my old pal. Do you need help? Do you need help from me? Is that the reason you came?”

>”Yes, Saruman,” he says. “This is not a fib. I came to get your help. There is a thing. It is very bad. It is of a naughty ring pal. You know that ring pal. Let’s go eat. Then we will talk. We will talk of rings and dark things and horse races and hockey. Let’s go, Saruman. I am very hungry. I could eat a big city. It is not so safe for Isengard. It is not so safe when I am hungry.”

>”Yes, Gandalf, yes,” says Saruman. “It is not so safe at all. I remember. I remember the hike. It was long ago. We were hiking. There was not one store in the woods. But you were hungry. You ate all the animals and trees. That is why there are no entwives. You had a big barbeque. That was not good at all. Do not tell the ents, Gandalf. They will be very cross.”

See the wizards go. Go, wizards, go! Eat fast, you silly wizards!

See the land. This is Isengard. It is Saruman’s land. It has trees. It has grass. It has paths. It has ants. What a glad land this is!

Look! Look and see! There are two wizards walking. That means they are done eating. That means Isengard is safe again. Hear Saruman talk. What are you saying you silly white wizard?

>”I ask a question,” says Saruman. “I ask it of Gandalf. Are you sure Gandalf? You are not fibbing? Are you sure it is true?”

>”Yes, pal, yes!” says Gandalf. “It is not a fib at all. Its very true. I did not draw the naughty drawing on the wall. I did not draw on your tower house. I did not draw you showing your bottom and saying ‘For you Sauron!’ It was an orc who drew it. The orc had grey robes, a grey hat, a magic staff, and a grey beard. It is true.”

See Gandalf. See the big silly smile on his face. Is that sneaky old wizard fibbing?

>”Okay, Gandalf, okay,” says Saruman. “I believe you. You do not fib. It was a naughty sneaky orc who did the drawing. I can tell Gandalf. I can tell when a pal fibs. It is like you said. Now lets talk of that silly old ring. Tell me Gandalf. Tell me where it is. Tell me the place.”

>”Okay, you silly pal. I will tell you. But promise. Promise that you will not cry. You always cry and you look so silly. It is in a white bowl. The bowl is in your tower. The bowl has water in it. The bowl smells not so nice. The bowl has a latch that makes the water spin. Can you guess the place, Saruman?”

See Saruman think. He thinks hard. He thinks fast. He kicks the ground. He thinks for a long time. Gandalf has a long nap. But Saruman still thinks. He jumps up and down.

Oh, oh, oh! He is done thinking. Did you guess, you silly white wizard? Did you guess the place?

>”Yes!” he yells.

He smiles with glee. He goes to Gandalf. He yells in his ear. He yells very very loud.

>”THE TOILET!” yells Saruman.

See Gandalf. He wakes up fast. He jumps up. He looks very cross.

>”You silly wizard!” Gandalf says in a cross voice. “Go then. Why do you tell me? Why do you tell me if you have to go bad? Just go find bushes.”

>”No, silly, no!” says Saruman. “I do not have to go! I just guessed. I guessed the place! I guessed the place where the ring hides! Its in the toilet!”

See Gandalf. He is puzzled.

>”Why, you silly white wizard?” asks Gandalf. “Why do you say that? You are so silly! Why would One Ring hide in a toilet? A can is not a good place for a King Ring!”

See Saruman. He looks cross. He does not look so glad at all.

>”You are a silly fibbing pal! I do not like fibbing pals!”

Look! Look and see! Saruman picks up a thing. The thing is a rock. He tosses it. He tosses it very hard. He tosses it at Gandalf.

But Gandalf is fast. See Gandalf run. Run, Gandalf, run! He laughs and he runs.

>”Okay, Saruman, okay!” yells Gandalf. “I will tell you the real place! Don’t be so cross! You are a thing! The thing is an overreactor! The place is the Shire! It was there all the time. It was under my nose. I did not see it. How silly of me!”

>”You have a big nose, you silly pal!” says Saruman in an annoyed voice. “The ring could be big. I could be bigger than a large pizza. But you would not see it. That is how big your silly nose is!”

See Gandalf. He is not so glad at all. He looks cross. Now it is his turn to toss a big rock at Saruman.

See two people. They sit in the ground. It is Gandalf and Saruman. They are very tired. It is not so good for silly old wizards to run. It is not good for their silly old hearts.

>”You are so silly!” says Saruman. “You have a brain, Gandalf. But the brain is not so spiffy. It is not so big. It is more small than a dry pea. That dry pea is smarter than you, Gandalf. That is not so good at all.”

See Gandalf. Is he cross? No. He is not cross. He has a silly smile on his face.

>”Good,” says Gandalf. “I am glad my brain is so big. At least it is bigger. At least it is much bigger than your brain. At least I am much smarter than you.”

See Saruman. He is puzzled. Why are you puzzled, you silly white wizard?

>”I am puzzled because I forgot what Gandalf just said.”

Perhaps, Saruman, perhaps. But perhaps it is another thing. Perhaps you can’t think of a comeback. Perhaps that is why you say you forget.

>”You are blind, Gandalf. That means you can not see. You did not know my special pal One Ring was at your hobbit pal’s house. Perhaps you could not see because there is too much smoke. There is too much smoke in your head. It makes you silly and not so bright. You should not smoke Gandalf. You should not smoke weed in your pipe.”

>”No Saruman!” says Gandalf in a stern voice. “The smoke from the pipe weed does not make me silly! Look, Saruman, look! I am smoking now. But I can still see! I can count! See my hand! I have eight fingers!”

See Saruman. He looks. He counts. He thinks. He counts again.

>”Yes, Gandalf, yes!” he says. “You are right! You do not fib! I counted the fingers. You have eight fingers on your hand! You are right!”

See Gandalf. See him roll his eyes. His face is annoyed.

>”You are not bright, Saruman. You are not bright at all. I was saying a thing. The thing was a joke. I have five fingers, you silly old wizard! Maybe I should not smoke. The smoke is making you dumb. You are not so spiffy, Saruman. You are not as spiffy as you think.”

Saruman looks cross. See his face. It is very red.

>”Let’s talk of other things!” Saruman says in a cross voice.

>”Yes, you not so spiffy wizard,” says Gandalf in a stern voice. “Let’s talk of Sauron. He is very naughty. He is a bad eye. But we are spiffy. We can stop him. We can catch him in a jar. We can put a lid on the jar. There is time, Saruman. That is not a fib.”

>”Time?” asks Saruman in a puzzled voice. “We do not have time. That is so silly.”

>”I found some time in a store,” says Gandalf. “It was on special. I put the charge on your tab. But we have to do a thing. The thing is hurry. There is a hole. The hole is on the bag. Oh, oh, oh! The naughty time is running away!”

You naughty naughty time, why do you run away?

>”I run away because I do not like Gandalf’s pocket. There is melted chocolate. There is dead bugs. There is ace cards. There is dish soap in a box. There is big drawing pencils. I do not like that pocket.”

See the time run. Run, time, run!

See the walls. See the chair. It is big. See the hanger. It is for coats. See the floor. They are all black. This is Orthanc. Orthanc is the tower house of Saruman.

Hear the voice. Saruman is talking. What are you saying, Saruman?

>”I say many things,” he says. “I say that I have white robes. I say that I am spiffy. I say that there is a pencil on the desk. I say that my shoes are nice. I say that some books are heavy. Some books are not. I say that it is dark when it is night. I say that fish can swim. I say that…”

>”Saruman,” say Gandalf, “I have a special surprise for you. The prize is advice. The advice is this: Shut up you silly dumb wizard! I can not think. That is how loud you are! I have many things to think about. I think of cords. Cords are not shoes. I think of paper. paper burns. I think of a stupid wizard. He wears white robes and has white hair. I think of silly pranks to do…”

Those silly old wizards! They talk and talk. They talk of things that have no point. That is what silly old wizards do. It must not be so fun to get old.

>”Now I talk of silly things,” says Saruman. “I talk of a naughty pal. The pal is Sauron. he is weak. But he is getting better. I will not send him another Get Well card. I am too cheap.”

>”Good!” says Gandalf. “Good! You are naughty! You should not send naughty people cards. Then they will get better. Then they will live!”

How do you know, Saruman? How do you know Sauron is not so sick?

>”A birdie told me,” says Saruman. “He is not well. He is in bed. The bed is in his fortress. He hides there. But he spies. He is a big eye. The eye likes to spy. Isn’t he naughty? What a silly eye!”

See Gandalf. He looks stern.

>”Does he spy all things?” asks Gandalf. “Does he see things in pockets? Does he see things in a locked box?”

>”Yes, you silly grey wizard, yes!” says Saruman. “That naughty eye spies everything. He spies through clouds. He spies through shadows. He spies through dirt. He spies through big hills. He spies through you and sees your bones. He even spies through cookie jars. He likes treats. Do you know, Gandalf? Do you know this eye? Do you know the big eye made of fire, you not spiffy wizard?”

See Gandalf. He jumps up. He falls down. See his face. He looks scared. What is it, Gandalf? Why are you so scared?

>”I am scared because Saruman said a thing. He said a tale. The tale was of a big eye. I know the eye! It is the Eye of Sauron! I do not like that silly old eye! It says things. The things are scary. The things are this: ‘Boo, boo! I see you, you silly old wizard! Boo, boo! Your shoes are not tied! I will nap your cart!’ That is why I am scared.”

See Saruman. He has a sneaky smile on his face. Why are you smiling, Saruman? Why do you look so sneaky?

>”I smile because I know. I know of a secret. I have a Thingamabob. The Thingamabob shows secrets. It is a good pal! Listen, Gandalf, listen. Sauron is collecting things.”

>”What things? What things does he collect?” asks Gandalf. “Is it stamps? Is it caps? Is it old shoes? Is it rocks? Is it bags that zip and lock? Is it flat rats? I make those. Is it gum wrappers? Is it marbles? I lost all my marbles. Maybe Sauron has my marbles.”

See Saruman. See him roll his eyes.

>”No, Gandalf, no!” says that silly white wizard. “Sauron does not collect these things. He collects other things. The thing is good. The thing is fun. Evil. That is the thing that he collects. He collects an army. He collects spies. He will have a big army. Then he will play. He likes playtime. But his playtime is not so fun. Middle-Earth is in trouble.”

Oh, oh, oh! That is not good! Silly Middle-Earth, why are you in trouble?

Look at Gandalf. He looks stern.

>”How do you know?” he asks. “How do you know these naughty things? Are they fibs? Do you like to spy? Do you think you are so spiffy? How do you know the things?”

See Saruman. He smiles a sneaky smile.

>”It is time,” says Saruman in a sneaky voice. “It is time to meet my pal. My pal Thingamabob. He is a good pal. You will see.”

See the room. It is black. There is a table. A thing is on the table.

But look! Look and see! The thing is hiding. There is a rag. The rag is hiding the thing. Why are you hiding, you silly thing?

>”I hide because I am scared. I am scared of Saruman. I do not like nail polish. I do not like it at all! But Saruman is silly. He grows his nails. He polishes his nails. The polish is white. He always shows me. He holds his nails close. I have to see. I can not look away. I can not close my eyes. I have no lids on my eyes. How silly not to have lids! Even jars have lids!”

See the silly wizards. See them come. Come, wizards, come! See Saruman. He has a sneaky proud smile.

But look! Look at Gandalf! His face is red. He is very cross.

>”Listen,” says Gandalf, “Listen you silly dumb unspiffy wizard. Thingamabobs are not good. They are not so good at all. They are heavy. They can fall on your toe. They can jump out of tower windows. They can make silly faces at you. They can show you cracks.”

See Saruman. He pulls off the rag. Hear the scream. The scream is loud. The scream is long. Who’s is that scream? Was it a wizard? Was it bird? Was it a blue pen on the floor?

It’s Thingamabob’s scream! See Thingamabob scream. Scream, you silly ball pal! Why do you scream Thingamabob?

>”I scream because I see polish! The polish is white! I do not like polish at all! I do not want to see!”

See Saruman. See him laugh. Laugh you silly white wizard!

>”I am not so scared!” says Saruman in a sneaky voice. “I am not scared to be Thingamabob’s pal. I am not so scared at all! It is fun. Fun, fun, fun! What would you do? What would you do if Thingamabob was your pal?”

See Gandalf. See his face. It is not so red. He is not cross. He is thinking.

>”What are you thinking?” asks Saruman. “What are you thinking, you not so spiffy pal?”

Oh, oh, oh! That is not good! Naughty, naughty Saruman! It is not safe! It is not so safe to ask that question! Gandalf does not know a thing. The thing is to shut up.

>”I think of many things,” says Gandalf. “I think of trees. Trees are tall. I think of pens. Some work, some do not. But I think of other things. The things are fun. The things are of Thingamabob. What would I do if it was my pal? I would look for things with it. I would look and find good rat crossings. I would go there with my spiffy cart. I would look for fountains. I would go there with dish soap. I would look for Galadriel. I want to be her good pal. I would look for big cakes. I would go nap them. I would look for Sauron. I would show him a crack. I would put gum in Elrond’s hair. Then I would look and see how glad he is…”

See Saruman. See the sneaky smile on his face. It grows. But hear Gandalf. He still talks. He has not shut up!

>”I would put a sign on Sauron’ s back with the words: HUG ME. Then I would look and see the silly orcs burn up. It is not safe to hug an eye made of fire. I would put a sign by Sauron’s garden with the words: DIG HERE. Then I would look and see. It is fun to see him sob.”

Are you done, Gandlaf? Are you done with the talking?

>”Oh!” says Gandalf. “I am not done at all. I have just done a thing. The thing is this: start. I have just started. I could do other things with my pal, when I was not spying. I could drop Thingamabob on snails. I could toss Thingamabob from the tower on naughty orc heads. I could roll Thingamabob to knock bottles down. I could toss my pal on toes with no shoes at all. I could do many fun things if Thingamabob was my pal.”

Hear the sobbing. Who is sobbing?

>”I am sobbing,” says Thingamabob. “I sob because I do not want to be Saruman’s pal. I want to be that spiffy grey wizard’s pal. He does not wear polish. Then I would not have bad dreams!”

See Saruman. See his face. Can that sneaky smile get bigger?

End part 5