See the Ring, the Ring is Bad

by Legolas son of Thranduil of

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

Part One

Hear the sound. The sound is a voice. The voice is fair. It is Galadriel’s voice. Galadriel is an elf. What are you saying Galadriel?

“I say there is a land. The land is old. Middle Earth is the land.”

Middle Earth is old. Do you live in Middle Earth?

“Yes, I live in Middle Earth. The land is old. I am old too.”

What do you say of the land?

“I say that the land is changed. It is not the same. There is water. I feel the change in the water. There is earth. I feel the change in the earth. There is air. A smell is in the air. The smell is change.”

Do you like the smell of change Galadriel?

“Oh yes! I like the smell of change. Change smells good!”

There once was much. Much was lost. Silly, silly much! Why did you get lost? It got lost because none live who remember it. They are not alive. They are very dead.

There is a tale. The tale begins. It begins with rings. The rings are great. The rings were forged.

See the elves. The elves are fair. The elves are wise. Lucky, lucky elves! You get rings. You get three rings. One, two, three.

See the dwarves. The dwarves like mining. The dwarves have beards. They live under the floor. They get rings too. They get seven rings. There are seven days in a week. Seven is a silly number. Silly, silly seven!

See the men. The men are weak. The men desire power. They desire power more than elves and dwarves. Naughty, naughty men!

Why do you desire power? The men get rings too. They get more rings than elves and dwarves. Lucky, lucky men. You get nine rings. Nine is more than three. Nine is more than seven. Nine is too many to count.

In the ring is a thing. The thing is strength. The thing is will. The strength and will is to govern. It is to govern each race. There are three races. Elves, dwarves, and men. One, two, three.

But there is a secret. It is a big secret. The rings don’t know the secret. Silly, silly rings! You are deceived you silly rings, and you don’t know it. The secret is another ring. This ring is better than the other rings. This is the One Ring.

See the land. The land is black. The land is like hell. Hell is not good. The land is Mordor. Mordor is the home of the One Ring. Do you like your home One Ring?

“Oh yes! I like my home! My home is nice. There are orcs, fire, evil, and death. Orcs, fire, evil, and death are good. do you like those things?”

Silly ring. Those things are bad. They are not good.

See the hill. The hill is big. The hill spits fire. The hill has a name. It is called Mount Doom. What a silly name! Mount Doom is where One Ring was born.

There is a lord. The lord is dark. He is Sauron. He is the Dark Lord. He made One Ring. He made the ring in Mount Doom. Mount Doom is the big hill.

Sauron made the secret. He made the One Ring. Naughty Sauron! You are very sneaky! He made One Ring special. One Ring is the master of the other rings. One Ring is the King Ring. Sauron likes One Ring. One Ring is his pal. He gave his pal three presents. Cruelty, malice, and will to dominate. One, two, three. What special presents! Wouldn’t you want these presents? Now One Ring is a real King Ring. One Ring to rule them all. You lucky ring! You have a powerful pal! Your pal is Sauron!

The other rings hear the news. The news is good. They hear of the King Ring. The rings are glad. They want a king. They join One Ring one by one. Those silly rings! They don’t know the One ring is evil and is using them. What fun to see those unknowing rings!

But not all the rings are unknowing. These rings resist. They resist One Ring’s call. They are wise. Their masters are wise too.

Some elves and men resist. They don’t like the One Ring. They are cross with Sauron. They want to fight. See the alliance. This alliance is the last. They have armour. They have weapons. They mean business. They hate orcs. Orcs serve Sauron. Orcs are unknowing.

See the elf. The elf is Elrond. Elrond is cross. Why are you cross Elrond?

“I am cross because Sauron is bad. Sauron kills good elves and men. We don’t like him at all.”

The elves and men are ready for war. What fun they will have fighting and killing. Elrond is talking. What are you saying Elrond?

“I tell the army to ready the arrows. We don’t like orcs. But we like arrows. We like arrows that strike orcs down. Get ready elves.” “Who do we shoot?” asks a man. The man is dumb. Elrond says, “We shoot the orcs, silly. You are a silly man. Silly, silly, silly.”

See the arrows in the bows. the elves are ready.

“Shoot elves,” says Elrond. See the elves shoot. Shoot, elves, shoot!

See the arrows fly. Fly arrows, fly! See the arrows strike the orcs. See the orcs fall. They are dead. Die you silly orcs! How funny they look dead!

Look! Look there! Someone is coming. Who could it be?…..

It is Sauron. He wears One Ring. He is cross. His orcs are dying.

“Those naughty elves and men! They make me very, very cross!”

He holds a mace. The mace is bad and very big. See Sauron look cross. See him swing the mace. Swing, Sauron, swing! Sauron is strong. He hits the people. The people fly. They fly high up, then they fall down.

There is a man. See his head. There is a big gash on his head. The man is dead. His name is Elendil. He is a king.

See a man come. What a funny man. He is Isildur. Elendil is his father. He is sad. Why are you sad Isildur?

“I am sad because the man is dead. The man is my father. He is a king.”

He is very sad. But look! Now he is cross. Why are you cross Isildur?

“I am cross because Sauron is bad. He killed my father. What a bad man. I hate him. I hate One Ring.”

What is Isildur going to do? See Isildur reach for a sword. The sword is Father’s sword. But Sauron comes. He stomps on the sword. Stomp, stomp, stomp.

He says, “Ha, ha. I killed your father. He was silly anyways. Now he is not silly. He is just dead. Dead, dead, dead!”

Hear Sauron mock Isildur. Mock, Sauron, mock! See Isildur. See his face. His face is red. He is very cross.

“You are bad, Sauron. I want you to die so I can laugh at you!”

He grabs the sword. The sword is stuck. Can Isildur get the sword unstuck? He is a strong man. The sword breaks. This is a special sword.

See Isildur lift the broken sword. See him swing the sword at Sauron. Swing, Isildur, swing! The sword cuts. It cuts off Saurons fingers. See Sauron’s fingers fall. Fall, fingers, fall! One, two, three, four, five.

The sword is proud. Isildur is glad.

“Ha, ha. You have no fingers. How funny you look with no fingers! Funny, funny, funny!”

Sauron is not strong. The ring is gone.

“Ouch! You are a bad man! You hurt me! I am glad your dad is dead!”

Sauron is weak. He glows. He is dying. Die, Sauron, die!

He blows up. Everyone falls. Some fall hard, get hurt, and die. What fun they are having! But Isildur does not see. He sees something else. Look Isildur! There is a ring. It is the One Ring.

“I see it. I love it. One Ring is my new pal. It is my new best pal!”

Oh, oh. This is bad. The man knows the ring is bad. What are you going to do with One Ring?

“I am going to keep it. It is nice. See how it shines. It has red writing. I like red.”

See Elrond come. What is wrong Elrond?

“That Ring is bad. It is not Isildur’s pal. I will trick him. Come Isildur. Let’s play a game. Let’s play follow the leader.”

Isildur is glad. He smiles with glee.

“I like games! My new pal Ring will play too!”

See Elrond go up the hill. The hill is Mount Doom. What are you doing Elrond? Will you kill the Ring?

“Wink, wink,” says Elrond.

They stand in Mount Doom. There is a cliff. There is fire down the cliff.

“Come Isildur. The Ring is hungry. There is ring food down the cliff. Toss him so he can eat.”

The man thinks. The man thinks hard. But the Ring talks to him in his head.

“I am your pal. I have power. I have magic. I can make you invisible. Then no one can see you. Then you can sneak treats from the castle’s kitchen.”

Isildur knows what to do.

“I won’t toss my pal. I won’t kill One Ring you sneaky elf! Naughty, naughty. I almost got tricked. I like treats from the kitchen. I want the Ring!”

See the man run. Run, Isildur, run!

Time has passed. It is a grey day. Isildur is riding a horse. He rides with his pals. See the orcs. The orcs jump out. The orcs attack. See them stab. Stab, orcs, stab! Those silly orcs! What fun they are having!

See Isildur run. Run, Isildur, run! The orcs kill his pals. But he is very glad. He still has his best pal Ring. He puts on One Ring. He sneaks. See him sneak. Where is he? Oh! He is invisible!

But the ring is bad. It lets him die. He is in the water. The orcs shoot him. Isildur is dead. See him float. How funny he looks, floating dead!

The Ring is in the river. The Ring yawns. It is sleepy. It sleeps for many years. More than three years. More than seven. Even more than nine. It sleeps for thousands of years.

One day two pals are fishing. See them fish. But they don’t find fish. They find a ring. This is One Ring. It wakes up. See one pal choke the other pal. It is his birthday and he wants the Ring. what a good gift the Ring would be! Choke, pal, choke!

The pal is dead. The other pal is sad and glad. His name is Smeagol. Why are you sad and glad Smeagol?

“I am sad because Deagol was my pal. He is dead. But I am glad because I have a new pal. My new pal is the Ring. The Ring is my new, special, best pal. It is my birthday pal!”

See the green thing. The thing is Smeagol. But time has passed. Now he is Gollum. He makes funny “gollum” sounds. He is old. He is mean. He is green. The Ring is still his special pal. Can you show the Ring Gollum?

“No! No, you sneaker! The Ring is precious! It is mine! Mine, mine mine! You can not see my precious pal!”

Gollum loves One Ring. He loves it too much. That is why he is green and mean.

Gollum has a new home. He lives inside hills. The hills are called Misty Mountains. He lives in a cave with a lake. Orcs live in the hills too. They are yummy treats! But Gollums best treats are fish.

Gollum is old. He is very, very old. One Ring is not glad with him. It leaves its pal Gollum.

There is a surprise. The old dead pal Sauron is calling the Ring. Sauron is not dead then, or he couldn’t call One Ring.

But the Ring tricks itself. It gets found. This is not the Ring’s plan. One Ring has foiled its own plan.

See the little man. His name is Bilbo. He is not a man. He is a hobbit. He is short and there is hair on his feet. How silly he looks! What do you find Bilbo?

“I find a ring. It is nice. It shines. I like the Ring. It is my new best pal!”

Bilbo is glad. He is a happy hobbit. But One Ring is cross. He wants an evil pal. He does not want a midget pal. He hates hairy feet! Gollum is cross too. Why are you cross Gollum?

“I am cross because I lost my pal. The hobbit stole my precious pal. That naughty, naughty hobbit! I will find my pal you stinker!”

Look, Gollum, look! The hobbit is gone! Your pal is gone! They go to the hobbit’s home. It is in a land. The land is called Shire.

Bilbo is unknowing. He has started a big tale. This tale will be very, very big. This tale now begins. It is years later. More years than nine. But less years than a thousand. It is sixty years later. The tale begins in the Shire.


See the small boy. The small boy is sitting by a tree. He reads a book. But how silly! This is not a small boy! This is a hobbit. See the hair on his feet? He is not a boy at all. He is a quite old hobbit. What is your name hobbit?

“I am Frodo Baggins. Bilbo is my old cousin. He is my uncle.”

Hear the song. Who is singing? Look at Frodo. His face looks glad. Why are you glad Frodo?

“I am glad because my pal comes. I hear him. He is a good pal.”

See Frodo run. Run, Frodo, run!

Frodo is in a hurry. Why do you hurry Frodo?

“I hurry because I can’t wait to meet my pal!”

See the horse. The horse pulls a cart. On the cart there is a box. Does the box belong to Mr. Fox? No, silly! The box is the man’s box.

See the man. He is old. He is very old. See his long grey beard. He has a hat. The hat has a point. His hat is grey. His robe is grey. From hat to shoe this man is grey. His name is Gandalf the Grey. Can you guess why his name is Grey?

Gandalf is a wizard. He is bigger than the hobbits. He is tall. He has a big stick that is magic. Where are you going Gandalf?

“I am going to see the hobbits. The hobbits are my pals.”

Look there Gandalf. Frodo comes. Frodo is a hobbit. Frodo is your pal.

Frodo says, “Naughty Gandalf! You are a naughty wizard. You are not on time. You are late!”

Gandalf looks cross.

“I am on time! I am a wizard, and wizards come when they want to come! I am not late!”

Frodo does not talk. Gandalf does not talk.

But wait! Frodo laughs! Frodo has a funny laugh so Gandalf laughs too.

“Why do you laugh Frodo?” Gandalf asks.

“I laugh because you have a very big nose! You look very funny! You are a funny wizard!”

Gandalf laughs but not as gladly.

See Frodo hop. Frodo hops on the cart. Frodo hugs his pal.

“It is good to see you Gandalf! Your nose made me laugh! I am glad you are my pal!”

Gandalf says, “Bilbo is your uncle. He will have his birthday. I do not want to miss it. They serve good cake and beer. I do not want to miss that good beer!”

“You are so silly Gandalf!”

See the two pals ride in the cart. Frodo is wondering.

“I like news. What is the news from Middle Earth? I don’t like the news at home. It is not fun. It is about flowers and grass and food and beer. I want to hear all the fun news.”

“You are a very nosy hobbit! That is not good! Hobbits should not be nosy. Naughty, naughty Frodo! But there is no fun news. Life is life. That is the news. The only fun news is that my cart ran over a rat, and the rat was flat. That is all. Hobbits are boring. No one cares about boring hobbits.”

Frodo says, “You silly teaser! Hobbits are not boring! We are fun! You are a mean old man!”

See the town. The town is Hobbiton. See the tents. See the signs. Bilbo will have a big, big party.

“The party will be big,” says Gandalf. “Big, big, big. Bilbo likes big parties. Do you?”

“Oh yes Gandalf. I do like big parties. It is my party too. I can’t wait. Wait, wait, wait.”

Gandalf says, “Bilbo will be glad of the party. He will be a happy, happy hobbit.”

“Yes,” says Frodo. “Yes he will, you silly old wizard. The party will be big. The Shire is big. Many hobbits live in the Shire. More than sixty. They will all come to the party. The party will be big.”

It will be big indeed. But Frodo looks puzzled. He is not glad. He is not sad. What is wrong Frodo?

“Bilbo is my pal. But Bilbo is sneaky. He hides a thing. He hides it from me. The thing is a secret. What is the secret Gandalf?”

“Is that true Frodo? That is new news. I do not know the secret.”

“You tell a fib! You are not a good wizard. You are very naughty. You know the secret. You have a silly smile on your face. You are naughty. You make hobbits frown at my family. They frown because Bilbo is not the same. He goes to look for fun. Hobbits don’t look for fun. They are happy at home. You told Bilbo to look for fun.”

Gandalf says, “No, Frodo, no! I did not tell Bilbo to look for fun. It was the dragon. The dragon is naughty. He tells hobbits to look for fun. Naughty, naughty dragon. I am a good wizard. I help hobbits.”

Frodo laughs. He says, “I don’t know Gandalf. I think you fib. you are a fibbing wizard. Hobbits are cross with you. They like peace. You bring fun. They don’t like fun.”

See the boys and girls. They are hobbits. They are glad. They see Gandalf. They like Gandalf. Run, boys, run! Run, girls, run! See how they run.

�We want a surprise! We want a boom-boom!”

See Gandalf smile.

He says “BOOM-BOOM!” in a loud voice.

Frodo laughs. But the boys and girls are sad. They want a real boom-boom.

Hear the bang. Smell the air. See the butterflies. They are fire-works. Boom-booms are fire-works. The boys and girls are glad.

See the old hobbit. See him laugh. See him smile with glee.

A lady hobbit comes. The lady hobbit is cross. She is the old hobbit’s wife. She is cross. She does not like wizard fun. She likes peace.

The hobbit sees his wife. He knows what to do. He acts cross too. See him frown.

Frodo says, “You are a naughty wizard. But you are my pal. I am glad you are back. You are a good pal.”

See Frodo hop. He hops off the cart. See Gandalf. He is glad. He is glad to be here. He likes hobbits. They serve good beer.

See Gandalf stop the cart. He is at a house. The house is round. The house is in the ground. Whose house could this be?

The door is not open. It is closed. What will you do Gandalf?

“I will knock on the door.” See Gandalf. “Knock, knock,” he says. He raps on the door.

Hear the voice. The voice is cross.

“Go away! I am cross! I am cross with my family! I am cross with my pals! Go away!”

Gandalf is glad. He knows the voice. The voice is his pals voice.

“But I am your pal. I am a good pal. I am an old pal. Can I come in?”

See the door open. A hobbit comes out. See the hair on his feet. It is Bilbo. He is very glad. See him smile.

“Gandalf! You are my good pal! I am glad to see you!”

See him hug Gandalf. Gandalf is glad.

“I am glad too. You are an old pal. You are very old Bilbo. You are an old fart. You are older than nine. Even older than sixty. You are one hundred and eleven. One, one, one. What a silly, silly age! It is silly indeed!”

See the wizard. See the hobbit. They go inside. Gandalf takes off his hat.

“Bring me tea. I want tea. Tea is a good drink. Can i have tea?”

Bilbo is glad. “Yes you can have tea. Wait, Gandalf, wait! I have to make tea first! Silly, silly, silly. How can I bring tea when there is no tea to bring?”

Gandalf smiles. Bilbo is right. He does not fib. How, indeed, can Bilbo bring tea when there is no tea at all?

Bilbo goes to make tea. See Gandalf. He is tall. See the house. The house is small. Gandalf does not fit well in the house. He has to stoop. Stoop, Gandalf, stoop!

Oh! Gandalf forgets to stoop. See him knock the light. The light is a chandelier. You naughty, naughty wizard! See him steady the chandelier. Good Gandalf!

See him stand. Oh, oh! He does not stoop! See his head bang the wall. What a big, big bang!

“Ouch! The naughty wall hit me! You naughty wall! I want to hit you!”

Gandalf is cross. Gandalf is very cross. He says a word. The word is bad. The word is very bad. It is so bad that it can not be said. That naughty old wizard!

Gandalf sees a map.

“Fun, fun!” he says as he claps his hands. “I like maps. I like them very much! Maps are fun!”

See Bilbo bring food. It is cheese. Cheese but no ham or jam. Bilbo eats the food. That naughty hobbit! He did not share with his pal.

But Gandalf is glad. He does not care of the cheese. He is glad of the map.

Hear the sound. What is it? It goes bang, bang, bang. What can make a sound like that?

Is someone kicking the wall with a heavy boot? No, silly! Only hobbits live in this land! hobbits do not wear boots.

Is it a fox kicking rocks in a box? No, silly! Foxes don’t know how to kick! They do not know kung fu!

“It is the door!” says Bilbo.

The door is kicking rocks in a box?

“No! That is silly! Doors do not know kung fu either! The sound is knocking. Someone is knocking at the door. It is my family. It is the bad hobbits of my family. They always bother me! Bother, bother, bother!”

“I know a secret Bilbo,” says Gandalf. “If you take off the door, then no one can knock on the door because there is no door.”

“You joke you silly wizard! If there is no door then flies can come in! The flies will eat my food! I know what to do. I will go away and find a new home. Maybe in the hills. I like the hills. Then I can write a book. The book will be about my life.”

“What a boring book that will be,” says Gandalf. “I will not read that book. It will make me yawn. It will make me take a nap.”

“It will be a good book. My pal will be in it. The Ring will be brave in the book. It will save me from elves and spiders and orcs and dragons. The book will be good because it will be true. I have a plan. The plan is to leave my home.”

Gandalf says, “It is a good plan. Is the plan ready? Is the plan to leave your home tonite?”

” Yes that is the plan. It is ready. I will leave tonite.”

“The plan is not secret. Frodo is bright. Your pal is puzzled. He guesses. He guesses you hide something. But Frodo does not know the plan. You have to tell him the plan. If you do not, then he will be sad. He will be very sad. He is your pal.”

“I am silly Gandalf. But I am not that silly! I know what you say. I am not silly in the head. But Frodo can not come with me. He likes the Shire. He likes the rivers and the fields and the grass and the bugs. He would miss those things. Would you miss those things?”

“Oh yes! I would miss those things Bilbo. Those things are good.”

See Bilbo’s face. It is puzzled. Why are you puzzled Bilbo?

“I am puzzled because I am old. But I do not look old. I feel old. Do you feel old?”

“Why yes,” says Gandalf. “I feel very old. I feel older than an old hat in a box.”

“I feel old too. I will go away. I will go far away. I will not come back. I will not return. That is my plan. Then flies will not eat my food. Then I will not see flat rats on the road.”

See Gandalf. There is a silly smile on his face. Why do you smile Gandalf?

“I smile because I know why the rats are flat. My cart runs over rats. It makes them flat. It is fun. The wheel bumps and it is fun. How fun to run over rats!”

Gandalf must be bored. Running over rats to make them flat is not that fun. He must be bored indeed. Silly, silly, wizard!

See the sky. The sky is not bright. It is getting dark. See a hobbit. See a wizard. It is Bilbo and Gandalf. They have pipes. They smoke. They are silly! They do not know of cancer that is in the lungs.

They smoke a weed. The weed has a name. The name is not long. The name does not start with letter ‘M’. The name is Old Toby. What a silly name for a weed! Old Toby is a hobbit weed.

See Bilbo. See his pipe. A ring comes from his pipe. The ring is of smoke.

“Look Gandalf! See the smoke. The smoke is in a ring. I am proud. I can make a picture of my best pal with smoke. It is One Ring.”

“Yes Bilbo,” says Gandalf. “I see your pal. But I am better. I can make a good picture.”

See Gandalf’s pipe. A boat comes from it. The boat is of smoke. The boat is a ship. See the ship fly. Fly, ship, fly! It flies through the smoke ring. Gandalf smiles with glee. He is very proud.

Bilbo frowns. He does not like it when Gandalf is better. It makes him frown.

But Bilbo has an idea. He will not frown. He will talk about a thing. The thing will make Gandalf forget to be proud. Then Bilbo will be happy.

“I am proud my pal. I have many pals. It is my birthday. I will get many presents. You will get none. I can not wait for the party. The party will be soon. It will be good. It will be very good. Then you will see something. You will see that there are things that are fun. They are more fun than running over rats to make them flat. My party is a fun thing like this. Wait, Gandalf. Wait and see.”

End part 1