The Fellowship of the Ring: Breadbox Edition

Written by: Evadne

Submitted by: Christopher Gundlach

FADE IN (SORT OF):

EXT/INT. DARKNESS

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of ruling the world via some rings.

SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.

NARRATOR: Not everyone was thrilled with this idea, so there was a war.

Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks pissy.

NARRATOR: Sauron had the One Ring and was therefore whacking people left and right.

SAURON kicks the butt of ISILDUR’S FATHER and menaces the heck out of ISILDUR.

NARRATOR: But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped it off.

First of many shots of SAURON’S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.

NARRATOR: Isildur could have destroyed it then and there, but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it. The Ring was not happy with this and quickly arranged Isildur’s death.

RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.

RING: Well, this is inconvenient.

NARRATOR: And everyone pretty much forgot about the extremely important war.

GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.

NARRATOR: The Ring did wonders for Gollum’s social life.

GOLLULM: Precioussss…

RING: Hoo boy.

BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.

NARRATOR: Which brings us to…Now.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE

FRODO: Hi there. I’m extremely adorable.

GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. Why don’t I not tell you things.

FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.

GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.

BILBO: I’m going to say some vaguely disturbing things while Gandalf engages in some slapstick.

GANDALF smacks his HEAD.

GANDALF: Let’s have a smoke.

AUDIENCE: I was gonna go research the Ring

But then I got high.

I was gonna destroy the bloody thing

But then I got high.

Now the world is in imminent danger

And I know why.

Because I got high, because I got high,

Because I got high.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY

BILBO: We need to make several clever references to The Hobbit.

MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.

BILBO: Now, I will make an insulting speech that no one will understand because you can barely add fractions. Gosh, I’m clever.

BILBO’S EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.

GANDALF: Oh, for heaven’s sake.

GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.

BILBO: Remember those vaguely disturbing things I said earlier? Now I’m going to say some blatantly disturbing things.

GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.

BILBO: Okay, I won’t do that freaky thing with my eyes again.

GANDALF: Leave the Ring for Frodo. I’m sure he won’t mind having to keep the evil object.

BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.

BILBO: The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began…

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…

BORK, BORK, BORK!

GANDALF: I’m going to wait for Frodo to come home so I can not tell him things.

FRODO: I’m home! Why do we keep having extreme close-ups of Bilbo’s ring?

GANDALF: I can’t tell you that.

GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.

EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR

GOLLUM: Shire…Baggins!

The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.

EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE

FRODO: La, la, la. Life is good. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

GANDALF: BOO!

FRODO: Oh, Crap.

GANDALF: The Ring is evil.

RING: Hey, I’m in the room!

GANDALF: You have to go. Gollum told everyone.

GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didn’t need to see.

GANDALF: I’m going to see the obviously evil Saruman.

FRODO: That’s great. I’m sure you’ll be captured and I’ll waste time waiting for you.

GANDALF: Hmm…You can’t go alone, so…

GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.

SAM: Ack! Gardening! At night!

GANDALF: Whatever. I need someone to obsess about Frodo.

SAM: I’m your man.

GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.

FRODO: The excessively creepy black rider is coming! Hide!

BLACK RIDER: Darnit, why can’t I find this Baggins place?

RING: Hey, you! I’m down here!

Frodo, put on the Ring!

FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.

BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.

THE HOBBITS run like heck to the FERRY.

BLACK RIDER: Hey! You! Can I get directions?

FRODO: Argh!

BLACK RIDER: Wait! I need help here!

FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.

INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

GANDALF: I need your help.

SARUMAN: Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.

GANDALF: Despite your creepy demeanor, I’m going to reveal some secrets.

SARUMAN: I work for Sauron.

GANDALF: You are the wisest of the Wise.

SARUMAN: I’m evil.

GANDALF: I trust you implicitly.

SARUMAN: I’ll make you break dance.

GANDALF: You ARE evil!

GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.

EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE

FRODO: Gandalf isn’t here. I wonder why.

MERRY: Let’s get drunk!

PIPPIN: I see no reason why not.

RING: Those darn Ringwraiths are lost again. Frodo, put me on so the Eye can give them directions.

FRODO: Ack! Now I must look sad and tormented.

And adorable.

PIPPIN does something stupid. FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls. RING lands directly on his finger.

RING: Score! I thought that was going to take weeks!

FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.

EYE OF SAURON: ROAR! I…My gosh, your eyes are blue!

FRODO: Well, I am adorable.

BLACK RIDERS: Oh, so it was someone named Baggins in the land of Shire!

BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.

FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.

STRIDER: There’s been enough adorability. Time for some rugged handsomeness from Strider the Ranger.

AUDIENCE: Tyrannosaurus Rex!

SAM: Frodo’s been out of my sight for three seconds!

STRIDER: I’ve come to guide you to the next plot point. We need to set it up so the audience thinks the Black Riders are killing you, while you are actually somewhere safe with me.

BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown. INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled. BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.

AUDIENCE: Enough already!

STRIDER: Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.

FRODO: You didn’t pretend it was Strider for very long.

ARAGORN: Well, multiple names are cumbersome. Just ask Mithrandir.

SAM: Who?

EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT

ARAGORN: I’m going to conveniently wander off.

FRODO: I’m going to conveniently go to sleep.

Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.

BLACK RIDERS: Oh, there they are!

AUDIENCE: You guys aren’t very bright, are you?

BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS. It’s all very creepy and scary. FRODO falls.

AUDIENCE: Oh, for the love of…

BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.

AUDIENCE: Noooo! Will his cuteness suffer?

FRODO: No, I’m just going to get cloudy contacts, varicose veins and start making funny noises, but I’ll still be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.

ARAGORN manages to show up.

SAM: It’s about time.

ARAGORN: Sorry, traffic.

ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.

BLACK RIDERS: Fire bad!

There is one BLACK RIDER left. ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.

BLACK RIDER: Well, I’ll just be going then.

EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS

GLORFINDEL: Well, it’s just about time for me to go save Frodo.

Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.

ARWEN: Sorry, Glory. It’s my time.

ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.

ARWEN: Hi, honey. I’m here to save you.

ARAGORN: Arwen! I’m glad to see you. But, where’s Glorfindel?

ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.

ARWEN: Beats me.

ARAGORN: Oh well. Can you save Frodo?

ARWEN: Like, fer sure!

ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.

BLACK RIDERS: Hey, you can’t take him! We stamped him ourselves!

ARWEN: Like, come get him, dorkwads!

ARWEN steals her FATHER’S JOB and starts the flood herself.

BLACK RIDERS: ARGH! First fire, now water! Nature sucks!

FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.

INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

FRODO: No, I hate Baroque! What? Where am I?

GANDALF: Hi, Frodo.

FRODO: Gandalf! Where the heck were you?

GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.

SARUMAN: Idiot! Of course I’m evil!

But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the REALLY BIG EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.

END FLASHBACK

FRODO: Um…Gandalf? Hello?

GANDALF: I’m sorry, what? You know I can’t tell you anything. Say hello to Elrond.

3000 years later, ELROND still looks pissy.

GANDALF: And Bilbo.

BILBO looks like he’s been put in an OVEN for a while.

FRODO: Wow, you got old quick.

BILBO: It’s one of those vaguely disturbing things from the beginning.

FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.

GANDALF: Now what?

ELROND: Now we will have a flashback to explain why I look so pissy all the time.

The FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK starts again, this time from ELROND’S POV. ISILDUR refuses to give up THE RING. Again.

AUDIENCE: Yes, we know.

EXT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL

LEGOLAS and UNIMPORTANT ELVES arrive.

GIMLI and UNIMPORTANT DWARVES arrive.

BOROMIR and THE OLD GUYS OF GONDOR arrive.

BOROMIR studies the picture of SAURON offering to make ISILDUR Julian fries with his headgear. Then, BOROMIR disrespects the SWORD-THAT-WAS-BROKEN that others obviously revere.

BOROMIR: There, I think that establishes some tension between Aragorn and myself.

ARWEN: Don’t let him get to you honey. Let’s have a saccharine moment.

AUDIENCE: (pukes)

INT. THE NOT-SO-SECRET COUNCIL OF ELROND

BOROMIR: I will further establish myself as trouble.

LEGOLAS: I will go on the offense.

GIMLI: I will get indignant.

ELROND: We must get rid of the Ring.

RING: Just try it, Pissy Boy.

GIMLI tries to break the RING, but only succeeds in shattering his AX and giving FRODO a headache.

ELROND: The Ring can only be destroyed where it was made. In Mordor.

AUDIENCE: That’s convenient.

ELROND: So, who wants to die?

FRODO: I’ll go. Better than listening to The Ring reciting that darn poem over and over again.

GANDALF: You’ll need an old guy.

LEGOLAS: And my ability to be delicious without being fey.

GIMLI: AUCH! And my accent.

ARAGORN: I must go to assuage my self-doubt.

BOROMIR: Well, you need some conflict, so I’ll go too.

SAM: And if I lose sight of Frodo, I’ll panic.

MERRY AND PIPPIN: Hey, you’ll need comic relief!

ELROND: At least we’ll only lose one elf.

INT. BILBO’S ROOM

BILBO: Do you think I could possibly, you know, see the Ring?

FRODO: I’m not sure if that’s such a good…

BILBO spontaneously turns into GOLLUM.

AUDIENCE: HOLY CRAP!

FRODO: Okay, time to leave.

EXT. PLACES THEY AREN’T GOING

GANDALF: We can’t go this way.

AUDIENCE: Well, that was a waste of time.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SOME ORC: What does The Eye want now?

SARUMAN: We need to create the mutant from Small Soldiers and pull down some trees to guarantee the animosity of the Ents.

AUDIENCE: Cut your nails!

EXT. MORIA, OR THE REALLY BAD PLACE

GANDALF can’t figure out how to open a door.

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, world’s most underrated character.

FRODO figures out the riddle that GANDALF missed and the door opens.

AUDIENCE: (throws their arms in the air)

Turns out, there are LOTS O’ DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA.

BOROMIR: This is not encouraging.

AN EVIL THING immediately goes after FRODO.

AUDIENCE: It’s the giant squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!

GIANT SQUID traps everyone in MORIA.

AUDIENCE: That’s convenient.

LOTS OF DARK SHOTS.

FRODO: Hey, isn’t that Gollum? Too bad he’s not dead.

GANDALF: Don’t be judgmental.

FRODO: Yeah, but if Gollum were dead, Mordor wouldn’t know we had the Ring and all this would be a moot point.

GANDALF: Shut up. He’s some part yet to play.

AUDIENCE: (bites at the air)

GIMLI discovers the BODY OF A KINSMAN and get EMOTIONAL.

LEGOLAS: Must…move…on.

AUDIENCE: Really.

PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.

ORCS appear for the FIGHT SCENE. CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION.

NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the butts of dozens of ORCS.

CAVE TROLL bursts through the door.

AUDIENCE: Argh, Harry Potter flashbacks!

YET ANOTHER EVIL THING goes immediately for FRODO.

FRODO gets stabbed.

EVERYONE ELSE: Nooooo!

AUDIENCE: Not again!

Filled with RAGE at FRODO’S “death,” EVERYONE attacks the CAVE TROLL. Which dies. Twenty minutes later.

FRODO: I’m not quite dead yet.

EVERYONE runs like heck. They are pursued by the EVIL, RED LIGHT.

GANDALF: Come on, today folks!

EVERYONE runs like heck down the WINDING STAIRS. GIMLI thinks he can make a twenty-foot leap. Right.

The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them. It’s a BALROG.

GANDALF: Aw, heck.

GANDALF stops on the NARROW BRIDGE to keep the BALROG from following.

BALROG: Screw Gandalf! Where’s this Ralph Bakshi guy?

GANDALF: None shall pass.

GANDALF takes the BRIDGE out. BALROG falls to its demise.

AUDIENCE: Does that thing have wings? If so, why doesn’t it just fly?

BALROG takes GANDALF out.

GANDALF: I can manage to be insulting moments away from death.

ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.

ARAGORN: Time to run like heck again.

EXT. THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

HALDIR: Stupid dwarf.

GIMLI: AUCH! I must get indignant again!

CELEBORN: I’m a non-entity. Feel free to ignore me.

GALADRIAL: I’m creepy, vaguely threatening, not respecting of others’ mental autonomy and I look like Joan Osborn.

GALADRIAL creeps out FRODO.

INT. THE ENCHANTED VILLAGE OF THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD

GALADRIAL wanders by.

AUDIENCE: What if God was one of us?

FRODO follows GALADRIAL to check out her MIRROR, VANITY and DRESSING TABLE.

GALADRIAL: Mwhahaha. Want to see something really scary?

THE EYE OF SAURON shows up again.

EYE OF SAURON: Hello? Anyone out there?

FRODO: My life is going to be miserable, isn’t it?

GALADRIAL: You can take one friend with you, and you still have your adorability.

FRODO: That’s true. Do you want the Ring? I feel obligated to ask everyone I meet.

GALADRIAL also puts on a LIGHT AND SHADOW SHOW.

GALADRIAL: Nope.

EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN

SARUMAN gives an inspirational pep talk to his ORCS.

SARUMAN: Give ‘em heck in the fourth quarter!

EXT. THE RIVER

ARAGORN: Thanks for the boats!

GALADRIAL gives FRODO light from a STAR and shows off her MANICURE.

GALADRIAL: Same guy who does Saruman.

MANY NICE NEW ZEALAND RIVER SHOTS.

ARAGORN: Look at the Argonath!

THE ARGONATH: Stop! In the Name of Love!

LEGOLAS: We need to stop so Boromir can attack Frodo and so Gimli can rest.

GIMLI: AUCH! Indignation!

EXT. THE SHORE

FRODO: I’m going off alone!

ARAGORN: Later.

AUDIENCE: Frodo’s not too bright either.

RING: Psst. Boromir. C’mere.

BOROMIR: Hey, Frodo. What’s up? I was wondering…

BOROMIR jumps FRODO. FRODO uses the RING to escape.

BOROMIR: D’oh!

FRODO runs like heck through the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS. THE EYE OF SAURON makes him fall. ARAGORN manages to show up.

FRODO: I’m leaving. Alone.

ARAGORN: What did that moron Boromir do?

FRODO: Never mind. Orcs!

CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION again.

There is an EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE while FRODO runs away. Alone.

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI kick serious butt.

BOROMIR tries to protect MERRY and PIPPIN. He does a poor job and REFUSES to DIE. AUDIENCE is either IMPRESSED or LAUGHING.

ARAGORN saves BOROMIR. Sort of.

BOROMIR: Aragorn. I always loved you.

ARAGORN: Um…

BOROMIR finally DIES.

FRODO is ELSEWHERE, trying to escape alone. SAM is too paranoid and too crafty and manages to catch up.

SAM: I can’t let you leave my sight!

FRODO: Oh, for the love of…

FRODO saves SAM from DROWNING.

THE MOMENT: Hi there. Have some emotion. I’ve got plenty for all.

THE MOVIE ENDS.

AUDIENCE: WHAT!? NOW?!

FRODO: Unless you want to sit through another six hours.

AUDIENCE: YES!

ENYA ON SOUNDTRACK: Hmm…I just got my tranquilizer prescription refilled. Must be time to write another album.