The Thirty Minute Theatre Co.
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING – IN 28 MINUTES-ISH
Slightly abridged but not so much as you would really notice.
Written and submitted by Withywindle
Narrator: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Throughout this broadcast there will be a performance of the Quay Players who will be enacting a re-telling of JRR Tolkien’s The Fellowship of the Ring. Indeed many of you may have seen in the recent film production by Peter Jackson. Rather than take three hours our version has condensed the action, weeded out all the boring stuff and crammed the lot into 20 minutes. We have also put some much-needed gags in. The film version had a cast of thousands. There are 8 of us and we are more than enough. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you The Fellowship of the Ring!
Galadriel: Long ago in Middle-earth a friend of mine made magic rings. Fair and wondrous they were and very pretty in a glittery, spangly type of way. One he gave to me, Galadriel Queen of the Elves.
Many were the people who wanted a look and a fondle of Galadriel’s ring I can tell you. Anyway Sauron, the Dark Lord muscled in. He was wearing a nice white suit in lambswool and he pretended to be a ring expert. Completely fooled us he did. The upshot was that Sauron made a Ring of his own in the volcano called Mount Doom in his land of Morrrrrrdorrrr.
This was a MASTER ring that ruled all the other rings. It could make you invisible too – but obviously this is radio and it is a bit difficult to show you that. Take my word for it. War there was because Sauron sought to own all the Rings of Power. Long and dreadful that war was. But we Elves were stronger then and we had the help of the Kings of Men from over the Sea. Mighty Isildur and his gang.
So we kicked Sauron’s spiky &%$ see? But we didn’t destroy the Master Ring. No. King Isildur took it. Greedy swine! But he was betrayed and Orcs slew him and chucked him in a river. The Ring vanished for long years laying on the bed of the river where Isildur had drowned. It was eventually found, long after by the creature Gollum, who hid under the mountains for many years avoiding council tax. It was there that a hobbit called Bilbo Baggins found it and escaped from Gollum.
“Thief, thief Baggins! We hates it! We hates it forever!!!”
Years later we join the story in Bilbo’s house where his wizard friend Gandalf the Grey has visited for Bilbo’s birthday. How do I know all this you ask? (Galadriel sniffs) I saw it in me Mirror! Me Daily Mirror!
Fade to Black.
Scene 1: Bag End
Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Hello Frodo my lad. Where is your Uncle Bilbo?
Old Bilbo: Here I am Gandalf! (Becomes suspicious) You have come to badger me for my Ring!! It’s mine I tell you! My Precious!
Gandalf: Bilbo! DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS! Give Frodo your ring. You are too old and past it. (Bilbo shakes his head violently.) Do as I say Bilbo! DO YOU WISH TO SEE GANDALF THE GREY UNCLOAKED!!??
Old Bilbo: NO! I meant NO I didn’t want to see you uncloaked!! Urrrrgggghhhhhh! Here Frodo! Take the bloody ring! Bye!
Gandalf: This is the Dark Lord Sauron’s Master Ring! Look some dirt has got into the engraving! It saysâ€¦ â€œIf lost return to Sauron, c/o the Dark Tower in Morrrrrdorrrr. We will have to run away. SAM GAMGEE!
Sam: W-w-w-what Mr Gandalf sir?
Gandalf: Put the kettle on there’s a good fellow. Then come with Frodo and meet me later down the pub. But first I have to seek the counsel of the chief of all the wizards – Saruman the Wise at Isengard.
Fade to Black.
Scene 2: Isengard
Saruman: Hello friend Gandalf. Welcome to Isengard.
Gandalf: Saruman I come for aid! A hobbit of the Shire had Sauron’s ring all the time! It was under my very nose. What should we do?
Saruman: So, Gandalf the Grey! Your love of the halflings’ weed has clearly clouded your mind! The Master Ring is found! We must join with him, Gandalf! We must join with Sauron! It would be wise!
Gandalf: Tell me “friend”. When did Saruman the Wise abandon reason to madness!!
“Agh, ugh, give that back, no, ow my finger! Put that down!! Ah, oooh, slap, crash, WAAAAH!”
Saruman: (Victorious) See Gandalf, all I had to do was cross out “Good” on my business cards and write “Bad,” and now I’m all set. MWAHAHAHAHA
Gandalf: (To audience) I never saw that coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I chop down all the trees in my garden and construct a huge war factory with these orcs I had hiding in my pantry!!! Enjoy your captivity!
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in this dungeon set deep underground. Hang on! I am on top of his tower! Hey you!! You with the wings!! Yes you! The giant eagle who has fortunately appeared! Give us a lift to the elven refuge of Rivendell!
Scene 3: Flight to Rivendell
Frodo:Come on you lot! We have to meet Gandalf!
Sam: Yessir Mr. Frodo, sir! Why! Mr. Merry!!?? Mr. Pippin!!?? Where did you come from! You haven’t been properly scripted! Never mind! Just keep quiet for the rest of the play! Quick run! A black rider!
Nazgul: Sniff! Sniff! Bagginssssss! The Ring!! The Ring!! Sniff! Sniff!
Frodo: Eeeek! This Black Rider is sniffing after my Ring!!
“Quick keep running! Huff, puff, puff, huff! We are losing him!”
Frodo: We escaped, Sam!
Sam: Hurrah, Mr. Frodo sir!
Tom Bombadil: Hey dol derry dol a ding dillo! Hello little friends! I’m Tom Bombadil!
Frodo: No time for you, you tree hugging, hippy weirdo. Hop it!
Tom Bombadil: Aw poop!
Frodo: Go on! Git! (Whispering) Here is the pub, Sam! Keep a low profile.
Sam: (Loudly) And don’t mention your real name, eh Mr. Frodo? Or that Magic Ring you are carrying either, right?
Strider: Right. Don’t mention the ring. (Laughs) It’s okay. I’ll save you. I’m called Strider. Aragorn actually. I’m related to King Isildur who nicked Sauron’s ring in the first place. He was weak. Hence I am confused about whether I am strong enough to resist the Ring myself. But I won’t let on though as you would be scared.
Frodo: I’m scared! Where is Gandalf? Who are these Black Riders chasing us?
Strider: The Black Riders are Ringwraiths! Nazgul! Undead who seek to seize the Master Ring for Sauron! They were men once. Enslaved by the power of the Ring they are his most terrible servants! They can’t even boil an egg for example… Enough! I will take you to Elrond Half-elven at Rivendell!
Sam: Rivendell where the Elves live! Hooray!
“Come on keep up, watch that bog! Never mind. You’ll dry out! “
Frodo: (Whining) Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we… Strider? … Strider?
Nazgul: MWAHAHAHAHA. I am the chief Nazgul. Give the ring to me, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but – ah Swords now! They work better for me! Help Strider!
Strider: Go away, you bony faced buggers!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger with half a sword! Quick! Stab the short, fat, hairy one!
Frodo: Ow! My shoulder! You beast! (Frodo swoons)
Strider: Oh no! Frodo has passed out! He looks lifeless just like a doll! Sorry. Not much I can do old boy! I’ll chew some leaves and spit on you. There! That better? No? Hmmmm. Thank heavens! Arwen!
Arwen: What are you doing ranger? Spitting on him! Why not take a leak on him while you are at it? Good grief! Out of my way! I’ll save him you moron! I shall ride with Frodo and take him to Elrond my father – the Master of Healing and miserable sod!! You save the other half pints!
Strider: Arwen! My love! Why are you not at Rivendell? You are but a weak girl! Leave this to me!
Arwen: No more ‘weak woman’ cracks buster! I don’t want to knee you so hard that it won’t work on our wedding night! Follow me to Rivendell!
Strider: Arwen! The Nazgul are upon you! Flee!!
Nazgul: The Ring! The Ring!
Arwen: Here is the Ford of Rivendell! Back scumbags!!
Nazgul: Ah no! We fear to cross the two inch deep water!! Just give us the short-arse, she-elf!!
Arwen: If you want him… Come and claim him!!
Nazgul: A flood! Noooooooooooooo!!!!
Arwen: I knew daddy would command a flood! So long suckers!!
Fade to Black.
Scene 4: Rivendell and the Ring goes South
Frodo: Wow, we’re in Rivendell! Look at all these elves!
Sam: Elves are cool! Here is Elrond! He has taught me to sing in Elvish! Uh huh huh!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don’t need no trouble.
Gimli: You can’t throw them out while I’m here! I am the dwarf called Gimli who is cadging a lift.
Legolas: Same for me! Except I am the elf called Legolas!
Elrond: Right. All of you numpty’s leave right now! And take that bloody Ring with you. It’s bad luck!
Legolas: (As if to Elrond off stage) O.K. Keep your hair on! What shall we do with the Ring?
Gandalf: (Shouts off stage as if to Elrond) I just escape by eagle from Isengard and now my best mate is turfing me out! I don’t believe it! Fear not brave hobbits and newcomers. We shall send the Ring south into the fire where it was made. Mount Doom in the Land of Morrrrrdorrrr. Thus shall it be destroyed forever and Sauron have his peachy behind kicked good and proper!
Legolas: Sounds like a plan!
Boromir: Hey you lot! I’ll just invite myself along. I am Boromir from Gondor in the south. I’m certainly not here because I have stealing the Ring on my mind. No way.
Strider: Strider here! Has Elrond gone? He wants to castrate me for kissing his daughter!! Look, they gaffer-taped my sword back together! (Swish) Wheeeee!
Frodo: I, Frodo, will take the Ring to the fire. Though I do not know the way. It is many miles to Morrrrrdorrrr.
All: We shall be the Fellowship of the Ring! Hurrah!
Sam: How are we going to get over these mountains?
Gimli: Let us go through the Mines of Moria where my cousins live.
Gandalf: No! I insist we go on a bracing hike over the Pass of Icy Doom!
Frodo: Such beautiful scenery, Gandalf. The green grass and leaves are so –
[Everyone pulls white paper out of their pockets and throws it about to simulate snow]
Sam: Gandalf! Where the hell did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don’t ask me. I’m only a powerful Wizard of mammoth intellect. Who could have guessed that mountains could be cold on top?
Legolas: I’m cold, Gimli! Hug me hotstuff!
Gimli: Agh no, Legolas! Gandalf, I told you we should have gone through the mines.
Gandalf: I have an idea! Let us go through the Mines of Moria instead!
Gimli: Hey that’s my idea!
Legolas: Fine, whatever. (Sniffs) Just open the gates.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Gandalf: Oh great! You and your crud ideas, Gimli!
Fade to Black.
Scene 5: Journey in the Dark and the Golden Woods
Frodo: Any ideas, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Of course! I know how to get in! WD40! (Sprays WD40 in the air) It’s open! Behold the Mines of Moria!
Frodo: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gandalf: Tis as I feared! The cleaners are on strike! Oh and the mines must have been captured by orcs!
Gollum wanders on rear of stage muttering “Fisssssshhhhhh, nassssty hobbitsssseeesss!”
Frodo: Now I can see eyes in the dark!
Gandalf: So you have noticed our little footpad have you? It is Gollum. He has been following us through the mines.< P>
Frodo: What shall we do?
Gandalf: Ignore him – he is not in it again till we do the next play!
Frodo: (As if to a companion) Pippin! Don’t throw that stone down that well!!!
There is a massive ‘CLANG’.
Gandalf: FOOL OF A TOOK!
Orc: (Comes on waving wooden spoon) Oh goody. We Orcs were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an orc army fed in these abandoned mines?
Gandalf: Orcs! Run!
Frodo: (Pointing off stage) We lost him! Oh no Gandalf! Look! A Cave Troll! It is huge and tremendously frightening looking!
Gandalf: (To audience) That is pretty frightening – even on radio!
Gandalf: Alas, the Ringbearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: (Frodo leaps up again) Just kidding. I did the slide-spear-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to you all. Pretty funny, eh? What was that noise?
Balrog: Darnit, I was sound asleep. You woke me up! Prepare to die!
Gandalf: A Balrog! A Demon of the Ancient World! We are doomed. Technical effects of this magnitude cannot be defeated!
Frodo: We can run away! (Does so) Look! There is the exit just over that bottomless chasm!
Gandalf: (Trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Frodo: We don’t have to . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your &$% is mine, wizard.
Gandalf: You cannot pass, Flame of Udun!
Balrog: No one mocks my bowel complaint! RRRROOOOAAAARRR!
Gandalf: (Falling off the stage with Balrog) FLY! FLY YOU FOOLS!
Boromir: Woe is upon our company that Gandalf has fallen into the bottomless chasm!
Frodo: WAAAAHH!! That old fart owed me a fiver!
Strider: Get them up Boromir!
Boromir: For pity’s sake let them rest!
Strider: By nightfall these hills will be crawling with orcs! Besides… we can escape to the Golden Woods to see Galadriel. Man! She is one hot babe!!
Frodo: Wondrous are these woods! I could almost forget that … oooh… you know… the old chap with the beard…
Gimli: Watch out! I have heard the place is full of cut-throat elves.
Galadriel: I am Galadriel. The Lady of the Wood. You may remember me from such scenes as The Prologue. Travellers I know you better than you know yourselves.
Gimli: Hot momma! Can I cut your hair?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look into my mirror. (Opens paper)
Frodo: I wasn’t asleep!! And what mirror are you babbling about? That’s just a tatty tabloid!
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that have been, may yet be or may not be!
Frodo: You are thinking of the Daily Sport!
Galadriel: Beware! Boromir is after your Ring!!
Frodo: I thought that was Sam? Oh this Ring! I see what you mean! Here, tell you what! You take the Ring. (Frodo holds up the Ring)
Galadriel: You give it me freely? (Outstretches her arms) In place of a Dark Lord you will set up a Queen!! All shall love me and despair!!!
Frodo: Errrrr… Maybe not then. (Frodo puts it down)
Galadriel: I didn’t want it anyway you pipsqueak! I have already got a ring! Here! Take these tawdry gifts and some boats and shove off!!
Fade to Black.
Scene 6: The Great River and the Breaking of the Fellowship
Frodo: (Singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-
Boromir: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Strider: Behold the Argonath! The Pillars of the Kings, my sires of old graven in stone… rats we have gone past ‘em. I’ll collect some wood and leave you and Boromir alone.
Boromir: Gi’ me the ring Frodo, yer little git!
Frodo: Never Boromir! Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I’m just trying to save me kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head and knock some sense in ter me thick skull?? (Boromir steps on rake – whack!) Frodo! What have I done! T’was madness! Forgive me you little sod!
Frodo: Sam! Sam! Best thing for us to do now is to head for the most dangerous place in the world alone. We shall go to Morrrrdorrrr and chuck the ring in the volcano. I am glad you are here with me Sam – you can carry all the gear.
Sam: Works for me Mr Frodo! Whatever you say. Here. Lay your head in my lap master…
Frodo: Errr no Sam. Just paddle.
Merry: Pippin we got a speaking part!
Pippin: By jove Merry we did! Oh no orcs!
Orc: Just in time for me to capture you!! Now to carry you to Saruman at Isengard!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Boromir: Fear not! I shall blow my horn and we shall be rescued from these hundreds of orcs by err… the three other members of our company who are left. Hmmm looks pretty bad actually.
Orc: Too late pebblehead! The halflings have been taken in chains to Saruman! Kill kill kill! (Orc mortally wounds Boromir)
Strider: (Running forward swinging sword) Oh no Boromir!! Take that, Mr Orc! (Orc dies)
Boromir: Strider! I tried ter pinch ring from Frodo. I have failed you.
Strider: Yes that was a bit mouldy. But I forgive you. Where are Merry and Pippin?
Boromir: The little ‘uns? Taken by orcs. I couldn’t save them – my horn was off.
Strider: We will save them together!
Boromir: Nay lad. I’m done in sithee! I would have followed you. My brother. My captain. My king!
Strider: Be at peace, son of Gondor!
Legolas: Is he dead?
Strider: I hope so Legolas. We are going to throw him over a waterfall in a boat in a minute.
Strider: Come Legolas and Gimli! We will not leave Merry and Pippin to torment! Even though they only had two lines! Let us hunt some orc!
Legolas: If we have to.
Gimli: I suppose so.
We cut to Frodo and Sam.
Frodo: Dear Sam. I do hope Merry and Pippin are all right.
Sam: Strider’ll look after them, Mr Frodo. Hope so anyway. I nicked their food! Why don’t you lay your head in my lap master?
Frodo: Stop that Sam. Come on lets go. I do not think that we will be able to come back and star in two more episodes of this tat.
Sam: Yet we may, Mr Frodo. We may!
Fade to Black