The Hastily Assembled 1 Page LOTR

By Laine

 


: We must place our hope in men .

: Men …. Men are WEAK ! It’s the smell … if there is one … it saturates , it’s repulsive. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague. And we are… the cure.

: We wanna go home !!

: I am Isildur’s heir . I fear falling to the power of the evil ring just like Isildur did. Curse genetics !!

  : Who needs Isildur when you’ve got a babe like me ?

: You’re right . MMMM SMOOCH SMOOCH OOOH ARWEN !!!

: People , i mean er.. Elves ,  i would like to keep this PG 13

: Oh i’ll just mutter some dirty talk in Elvish , you translate it into something clean and no one will know better !

: Sounds cool . You may proceed .

: Hi . Welcome to my SECRET council. Check out this really cool ring Frodo brought !

  : OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH !!!

: I want that ring !

: No we must destroy it .

: What he said !!

: Shut up Legsie .

: Even though i am in a city of elves and eating elf food , i shall still insult elves ! eLv3z SuX0rZzzz !!!

: YOU ALL SUCK !

: Except me . I shall take the ring then , coz I saw it first , tough!

: You need directions to Mordor . I’m coming along !

:  I need to impress my girlfriend’s Dad . I’m coming along !!

: What he said !!

: You don’t have a girlfriend , you spineless loser !

: I know I have expressed symptoms of falling to the Ring’s power , but I’ll win you an Oscar if you let me come !

: And even though we’re slow , unwise and helpless , you’re going to let us come too !!

: Oh looks like my SECRET council wasn’t so secret after all . Even though this is a team of green rookies topped off with a man who I know wants to use the ring for his own purpose , I will still let the fate of Middle Earth rest upon you . I shall call you Party of Nine . Oh i am so wise ….. Granny Galads would be proud !

: Sayonara , suckers !


 

: ORCS !!!

: MORIA !!

: Caradhras ! Oops forgot to watch the weather report today.

  : MORIA !!!

  : ROHAN !!

: ORCS !!!

  : This sucks . The ring sucks . I suck . My life sucks . WHY ME !???!?

  : Crud happens . Get

over it .

: FORESHADOWING OF GOLLUM

: Behold , Dwarrowdelf !

  : OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH !!!!

  : CRASH BOOM BANG oops

.

: CRUD!!!

: AARRRR !! GRRR GROWWWLLL SNARLLL HISSS !!!

: ORCS !! Twang twang twang .

  : Clang Clang Clang

  : errr… fizz bang ?

: AAAA i’m dead !!

:  YES !!!!

: Oh wait i’m not . Haha gotcha !

: DANG !!!

: ORCS !!!!

: WE KNOW !!!


: ORCS !!!

: No, stupid , that’s Haldir.

: Weeeeeellcccooommmeee tooooo Looooorriiiiieeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ……

: Woah , that is one HOT babe !

: Hey Frodo , wanna see something real cool ?

: It’s … a … surgical pan ! Wicked !

: But just add water and it’s the Mirror of Galadriel ! Have a look , first 3 minutes is toll-free.

: I don’t see anything … wait ! I see… Sam ! Merry and Pippin !  The Shire !! But… it’s burning … why ?

: It shows you what will happen if you fail this quest . Neat eh ?

: And Sauron takes over Middle Earth… Sam ! He’s enslaved in chains ! Noooo ! I must not let this happ-WOAAAH dang , Legsie looks HOT in there !

: After Sauron takes over Mirkwood he is forced to become a dancer in Mordor Rouge . But that’s not the point here . I’m trying to tell you , Boz is going to take the ring from you !

: Uhuh , so what else is new . I knew that like … 2 minutes into the movie.

: You mock me ! Give me the ring shorty !!

: No offense , but , green makes you look puffy .

: Curse WETA and their crappy FX ! Oh btw here’s a Philips perfume bottle containing 100 Watts of Earendil .


: ORCS !!!

: Argonath !

: ORCS !!!

: I know , shut up .

: Hey twerp , gimme the ring or i’ll make lembas out of you.

: Sod off , creep .

: You little piece of crud!!

: Muummyyy !!

: Oh I’m so sorry Frodo , FRODO! Where are you ? I didn’t mean to call you a turd !

: WHERE IS FRODO ? oh I wonder WHERE IS BOROMIR ?

: ORCS !!!

: HELP !

: Heeerreeee I commmeee to saveee the daayyyy !!

: GRRRR GROWL SMACK

: TWANG

: It’s just a flesh wound ! BRAVEHEAAAARRRTT !!

: TWANG TWANG TWANG !

: Ouch ooh er. Darn . Well , even if I die , you will never have my Oscar !!

: But we can take your halflings !

: Bye Boz ! We’ll send you a postcard  !

: I’m here to kick butt and chew lembas .Eat dirt and die , urukdweeb. !

: GRRR GROWL SMACK TWANG AAAAAAA ! You stabbed my butt! Darn that’s the end of me . Can I have my paycheck now ? ?

: My brother …

: ORCS !!! Oh wait , that’s Boz .

: My Captain …

: Will you just die , darnit ? The audience’s butts are starting to hurt .

: My KING !! Alright I’m done ! I’ll send you a postcard ! Gimme my Oscar now !!

: The Fellowship has failed . Boromir is dead.

: Okay cool , let’s chuck him over the waterfall now . Wheeeee !

: Row row , row your boat , gently down the stream … hey isn’t that Boz in that boat heading for the waterfall ? Hmm… guess he didn’t get that Oscar after all.

: ROSE !!

: Go back Jack !!

: No ! GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB

: JACK !

: ROSE !

: Screw Sam and Frodo. Let’s kick some orc butt!

: YAY !!!