The Return of the King: Breadbox Edition

Written by: Evadne

FADE IN:

DIRECTOR

PETER JACKSON

Hmmm…how

should I start my movie…?

I

know! How about a flashback?

 

EXT. RIVER

 

SMEAGOL

Look

at the worm. Looooook at the woooorm.

This

is what I shall become. Symbolically

speaking.

 

DEAGOL

You

know, Smeagol, you were pretty creepy

looking

even before the Ring.

 

SMEAGOL

It’s

the eyes. Oh look, a fish!

 

A FISH drags DEAGOL into the river.

 

THE

RING

Two

thousand years at the bottom of a river.

Maybe

gold has come back into style.

 

DEAGOL

Yes,

that was my hand in “Fellowship.”

 

THE

RING

Quit

poking me! Ouch! Stop it!

 

SMEAGOL

Shiiiiiny. Give me the Ring.

 

DEAGOL

No. I want it.

 

THE

RING

Aiight! Five minutes back in circulation and I’ve

already

started a catfight!

 

SMEAGOL

Please…? Wait, I don’t have to be polite. DIE!

 

DEAGOL dies.

 

SMEAGOL

And

now I will switch to narration.

 

BAD THINGS happen to SMEAGOL.

 

SMEAGOL

(cont.)

The

Ring turned me into a CGI character.

And it

made

me into the Ozzy Osbourne of Middle Earth.

 

SMEAGOL/GOLLUM bites the head off a

CATFISH.

 

AUDIENCE

Oh. That’s always nice.

 

SMEAGOL/GOLLUM

But

enough about me. I’m sure you’re

anxious to get back

to

poor, tormented, adorable Frodo.

 

EXT. NEW ZEALAND

 

SAM

C’mon,

Frodo. Let me fuss over you.

Did

you sleep? Eat? Brush your hair?

 

AUDIENCE

Lembas

bread. The Poptarts of Middle Earth.

 

FRODO

I’m

fine.

 

THE

RING

No,

you’re not.

 

FRODO

Shut

up, you. Gold has not come back

into style.

 

GOLLUM

Let’s

go, everyone. Our travelling scenes

really

aren’t

the most interesting parts of the movie.

 

SAM

Don’t

worry too much, Frodo. I’ve planned

every

moment

of our journey out. Even the trip home.

 

AUDIENCE

How

cute. Sam thinks there’s going to be a

trip home.

 

EXT. LAKE ISENGARD

 

ARAGORN

So…where

did all these trees come from?

 

DIRECTOR

PETER JACKSON

Buy

the “The Two Towers Extended Edition!”

 

LEGOLAS

And

where did the Elves who helped out at

Helm’s

Deep go?

 

PIPPIN

AND MERRY

Never

mind all that! Just revel in our last

moments

as

comic relief.

 

SARUMAN

So,

Gandalf, you have come to Isengard to break my power.

 

GANDALF

Do

you hear something?

 

ARAGORN

No. Why do you ask?

 

SARUMAN

Hey! Up here!

Main villain of the last movie?

 

TREEBEARD

Hooom. I’m glad you’ve come, Gandalf. There’s a

wizard

to be dealt with.

 

GANDALF

Yes. But, we’re not going to do it.

 

SARUMAN

Grima,

throw the palantir at them. See if that

gets

their

attention.

 

PIPPIN

Hey! Pretty thing in the water!

 

GANDALF

Where’d

that come from? Give to Daddy.

Now,

back to Rohan!

 

SARUMAN

Wait! Don’t go!

I’ll share my delicious pound

cake

recipe!

 

EXT. EDORAS

 

EOWYN stands around outside of the HALL

waiting for everyone to return.

 

AUDIENCE

Eowyn,

don’t you have anything better to do?

Running

the country in your uncle’s absence, perhaps?

 

THEODEN

We

have returned victorious! Everyone

party!

 

“BEOWULF” breaks out.

 

EOWYN

Aragorn,

I am obviously smitten with you.

 

THEODEN

I

see your attraction for Aragorn. I am

happy for you.

 

EOWYN

Uncle! Nothing happened! He’s just leading me on.

 

ARAGORN

I

should let you down now before this gets out of hand.

But,

I’m not going to.

 

MERRY AND PIPPIN do STUPID THINGS, just for

old time’s sake.

 

GANDALF bops. It’s very DISTURBING.

 

ARAGORN

Everyone’s

so happy. I feel I must be depressing.

 

AUDIENCE

Quit

bringing the room down, Aragorn!

 

GANDALF

Yeah,

that’s my job.

 

EXT. A RIVER

SAM and FRODO sleep while GOLLUM

schemes. Because the AUDIENCE has never

seen THIS SCENE before.

 

SMEAGOL

Good

thing this river is here.

 

GOLLUM

Yes,

because we were running out of ways to

portray

our inner conflict. Are you ready to

kill?

 

SMEAGOL

Well,

maybe not. But my doubts won’t come

in

to play in any way.

 

SAM wakes up.

 

GOLLUM

Let’s

go over our plan one more time:

Kill

them.

 

SMEAGOL

Yes. Death.

For the Ring.

 

GOLLUM

Let’s

just keep repeating this until Sam hears us.

 

SAM

I

don’t hate you because you want us dead!

I

hate you because you’re driving a wedge

between

Frodo and me!

 

SAM tries to kill GOLLUM.

 

FRODO

Stop

it, Sam! If you kill Smeagol, we’ll

never

get to Mordor.

 

AUDIENCE

Which

is unfortunately true.

 

FRODO

Now,

take my hand, Smeagol. Crossing the

street

is dangerous.

 

SAM

Grrrrr…

 

EXT. ROHAN

 

LEGOLAS

Something

stirs in the East…Something evil.

 

ARAGORN

Yeah. That would be Sauron, Legolas.

And

could you be more vague, please?

 

LEGOLAS

I’m

an Elf, dip. This is how I always talk.

 

INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS

 

PIPPIN does something STUPID.

 

MERRY

Pippin,

this is not the first movie!

 

AUDIENCE

Speaking

of stupidity…Wake someone else up, Merry!

 

PIPPIN

But,

I want to look at the creepy black ball!

 

EYE

OF SAURON

RAUGH! I SEE YOU!

 

AUDIENCE

Is that the only thing you can say?

 

PIPPIN is frozen in TERROR at the EYE.

 

MERRY

Maybe

I should call for help.

 

ARAGORN

I’ll

grab the palantir. Maybe I can take

control of…

Or

not. I’ll just let Sauron get a good

look at me.

 

GANDALF

Huh? Oh, why do I bother?

 

MERRY, as always, is PUSHED ASIDE in favour

of PIPPIN.

 

EXT. ROHAN – NEXT DAY

 

PIPPIN

I

said I was sorry for almost blowing everything.

 

MERRY

Sorry

won’t help, Pippin. We’re developed

characters

now. Our actions have consequences.

 

GANDALF

Yes,

and when I split you up, you’ll develop even more.

 

EXT. MYTHICAL ELVISH WOODS

 

HEAD

ELF

At

this pace, we should reach the Grey Havens

in,

oh, six or seven years.

 

ARWEN

I’m

totally sad and tormented. Seriously.

Leaving

my boyfriend is such a bummer.

 

ATTACK of the LITTLE BOY!

 

LITTLE

BOY

Mom! Are you going to, like, totally

abandon

me? I thought you loved me!

 

ARWEN

What

the…? HEY! I’m going to be a mommy!

Daddy,

like, lied to me!

 

ARWEN rides home in a HUFF.

 

ARWEN

(cont.)

Daaaadddddyyyy! You didn’t tell me I was going

to

have a totally adorable kid!

 

ELROND

Pick

up your cloak, young lady. Were you

raised

in a

barn?

 

ARWEN

There’s

still some hope in the world, Daddy.

Remake

Narsil for my boyfriend. Please?

 

ELROND

I

don’t know…

 

ARWEN

Please,

please, please, please…I’ll keep doing

this

‘til you relent…please, please, please…

 

ELROND

All

right, all right! I’ll help make your

boyfriend

king.

 

AUDIENCE

Too

many tight shots of Elrond’s face. I

keep

waiting

for him to call her “Misssssss Arwen.”

 

EXT. NEW ZEALAND

 

GANDALF and PIPPIN ride to GONDOR.

 

DIRECTOR

PETER JACKSON

Isn’t

New Zealand gorgeous? I love these

travel

shots. Sure they add time, but aren’t they pretty?

 

They arrive at MINAS TIRITH, a modern

Middle Earth city, complete with its own LANDING STRIP.

 

GANDALF

Don’t

do anything stupid, Pippin. Denethor is

nuts.

 

DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DISTURBED

 

DENETHOR

I’m

crazy! I blame you for my son’s death!

 

PIPPIN does something PERSONALLY STUPID,

but POLITICALLY WISE.

 

GANDALF

Denethor,

war is coming, and I think…

 

DENETHOR

I am

suspicious! I have been watching events

in

my palantir. I just won’t tell you

that.

Now,

beat it before my insanity meter increases.

 

INT. GONDOR – EVENING

 

PIPPIN

Gandalf,

are we really all going to die?

 

GANDALF

Yes.

 

PIPPIN

You

know, Gandalf, I was looking for comfort.

 

GANDALF

Sorry,

but they have the Witchking. They say

no

man

can kill him.

 

AUDIENCE

Who

says this? And I already see the giant

loophole.

 

EXT. THE SINISTER EMERALD CITY.

 

AUDIENCE

We’re

off to see the Evil Wizard.

 

SMEAGOL/GOLLUM

We

have arrived at the Secret Stairs.

Right outside of

Minas

Morgul. No one has ever walked by,

looked

up

and thought, “Hey, stairs.”

 

THE

RING

Walk

towards Minas Morgul, Frodo. The power

of

the horrible, green recessed lighting compels you!

 

WITCHKING

By

the Power of Greyskull!

 

The WITCHKING has THE POWER, not to mention

a REALLY UGLY MOUNT. FRODO is dragged

AWAY from CERTAIN DOOM.

 

WITCHKING

C’mon

troops! Let’s crush Gondor!

 

EXT. OSGILIATH

 

PIG

ORC

Rocky

Road?

 

FARAMIR

No

worries everyone. I’m back in

character!

 

ORCS attack OSGILIATH. VIOLENCE occurs.

 

INT. MINAS TIRITH

 

GANDALF

Pippin,

I need you to light the beacon.

Don’t

worry, it’s not like the guards are

watchful

or anything. Should be easy.

 

IT REALLY IS. BEACONS across GONDOR are lit.

 

AUDIENCE

Whoa. It must really suck to be stationed at some

of

those outposts. And if Denethor really

didn’t want

the

beacons lit, why didn’t he just NOT man them?

 

EXT. ROHAN

 

ARAGORN

The

beacons are lit! Please, can we save my

country? Please?

Please? Huh?

 

THEODEN

Yes,

I suppose I have learned my lesson from

the

last movie. Let’s save Gondor.

 

MEANWHILE: FARAMIR is losing in OSGILIATH.

 

FARAMIR

Run

away!

 

They RUN AWAY to GONDOR. GANDALF does the AWESOME STAFF LIGHT TRICK.

 

GANDALF

Hello,

Faramir. I…Faramir, are you listening?

 

FARAMIR

…hobbit?

 

GANDALF

You’ve

seen Frodo!

 

DIRECTOR

PETER JACKSON

Speaking

of Frodo…

 

EXT. THE “SECRET” STAIRS

 

FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM climb.

 

AUDIENCE

What

would a rock-climbing scene be

without

someone slipping?

 

GOLLUM helps FRODO to the top, but when he

sees the RING, TENSION occurs.

 

SAM

Frodo! Gollum will hurt you! And steal

you

from me!

 

AUDIENCE

Okay,

who’s for buying Frodo a longer chain, or at

least

another button for that shirt? Anything

to keep

the

Ring from popping out and tempting Gollum at

every

opportunity.

 

GOLLUM pulls FRODO up, and they have a

brief BATTLE of the BIG BLUE EYES.

 

GOLLUM

Watch

out for Sam, Frodo. Don’t worry, I’m

not

trying to ingratiate myself with you.

 

EVENTUALLY, GOLLUM pulls a REALLY LAME

TRICK.

 

SAM

You’re

making me look bad to Frodo!

 

FRODO

Sam,

you can’t become manic. I can’t be the

reasonable

one. I can barely stand on my own

feet,

and I actually believe Gollum despite

all

empirical evidence.

 

SAM

Let

me help you, Frodo. Let me carry the

Ring.

You

know, the thing your entire life revolves

around

now. The thing that has claimed your

heart,

mind and soul. Let me take it from you.

 

FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT

look.

 

FRODO

Sam,

the honeymoon is over. Go home.

 

FRODO leaves SAM in TEARS, like a BAD SOAP

OPERA.

 

INT. MINAS TIRITH

 

DENETHOR INSANITY METER = WILD AND CRAZY

GUY

 

PIPPIN pledges ETERNAL LOYALTY to the CRAZY

KING.

 

FARAMIR

So. Dad.

Are you going to kill me for letting Frodo go?

 

DENETHOR

No. I’m just going to get you killed because

I

don’t love you.

 

GANDALF

Faramir,

there’s no use dying because your father

is a

few bricks short of a full load.

 

FARAMIR

All

I want is my daddy’s love.

 

GANDALF

Yeah,

but you’re not the only one going out to die.

 

INT. MINAS TIRITH

 

DENETHOR INSANTIY METER = NOT JUST SCREWS,

BUT ENTIRE PIECES OF MACHINERY LOOSE

 

DENETHOR

Pippin,

sing for me while I have the most

disgusting

meal since “Hannibal.”

 

PIPPIN

I

don’t know…

 

AUDIENCE

Humour

him, Pippin. Trust us.

 

PIPPIN sings quite well, no matter how he

PROTESTS.

 

FARAMIR and CO. DIE.

 

EXT. ROHAN

 

THEODEN

Don’t

worry, Aragorn. I am gathering the

forces

of

Rohan for you.

 

AUDIENCE

I

love it. He’s not King Theoden. He’s Theoden, King.

 

ARAGORN

Thank

you for gathering your forces on the

creepy

mountain.

 

LEGOLAS

The

horses are restless and the men quiet.

 

EOMER

Yes. Thank you, Captain Obvious. And, Aragorn?

Stop

staring at that passage like it killed your puppy.

 

LATER:

 

MERRY

Thanks

for the armour, Eowyn.

 

EOWYN

There,

Merry. Since I am not allowed to fight,

I

will invest my desires in you. Go be a soldier.

 

EOMER

He

really can’t be a soldier, Eowyn.

 

EOWYN

Why

not? He’s so sweet, and more roundly

developed.

 

EOMER

You

shouldn’t encourage him.

 

EOWYN

Why

can’t he fight for those he loves? Why

must

he

stay at home and stare out onto the open

fields

of Rohan?

 

EOMER

We’re

not talking about Merry anymore, are we?

 

MEANWHILE: SOMEONE MYSTERIOUS arrives.

 

ARAGORN

(wakes

up)

Football

practice!

 

SOME

GUY

Someone

Mysterious is here to see you.

 

ARAGORN

Who

could it be?

 

It’s ELROND! He looks PISSY, as per NORMAL.

 

AUDIENCE

Yes,

a journey that takes everyone else months

only

takes Elrond three days.

 

ELROND

Aragorn,

Arwen is dying.

 

ARAGORN

What? Why?

 

ELROND

We

haven’t quite figured that out. But,

I’m

sure

you’ve noticed the gaudy pendant getting

less

shiny. Anyway, since my daughter’s life

is

on the line, I’ve decided to help you out now.

Well,

other than that time I sent Elves to help

you

at Helm’s Deep.

 

ARAGORN

Um…thanks?

 

ELROND

I

have brought you…

 

CUE: OVERDRAMATIC FLOURISH

 

ELROND

(cont.)

Narsil! Now, go into the creepy mountain and become

King.

 

ELSEWHERE:

 

ARAGORN prepares to RIDE into the CREEPY

MOUNTAIN.

 

EOWYN

You

can’t leave. You can’t abandon…the…men.

 

ARAGORN

Again,

we are not talking about the men, are we?

I. Don’t.

Love. You. Sorry.

 

EOWYN goes off in a HUFF.

 

ARAGORN

(cont.)

Well,

that was awkward. Time for me to go.

Without

explaining anything to anyone.

 

GIMLI

You

can’t leave without your comic relief.

 

LEGOLAS

Yeah,

and we haven’t had nearly enough screen time.

 

ARAGORN

All

right, let’s go. But make sure you

don’t tell

anyone

anything that might give them hope

that

we’ll return.

 

THEODEN,

KING

Don’t

worry. We’re used to having no hope.

We’re

Anglo-Saxons.

 

ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI ride off.

 

ARAGORN

Legolas,

since you’re a major favourite with the

fans,

why don’t you deploy the exposition block?

 

LEGOLAS explains all about the TRAITOROUS,

DEAD SOLDIERS of the MOUNTAIN.

 

DOOR

Boo! The way is shut! Fear me!

 

ARAGORN

Whatever,

imminent death. I don’t fear you.

 

EXT. ROHAN

 

THEODEN,

KING

Merry,

you are tiny and useless. You can’t go

to

war. Like my daughter.

 

EOWYN

I’m

going anyway, and I’m taking Merry with me.

 

MERRY

All

right! I’m not being ignored for once!

 

INT. MOUNTAIN OF THE DEAD

 

AUDIENCE

Oh

no! We’re back in Moria! And where did

Aragorn

get the torch?

 

ARAGORN

Hello? Anyone here?

 

DEAD

KING

Get

lost. The way is shut.

 

ARAGORN

Not

to me. I have Narsil.

 

DEAD

KING

We

will kill you. The way…

 

ARAGORN

…is

shut. Yeah, we got it. And, Legolas? What makes

you

think you can shoot the dead?

 

THE DEAD fall into line.

 

EXT. MINAS TIRITH

 

FARAMIR’S BODY is dragged back by his

HORSE.

 

DENETHOR

My

son is dead! Only now do I realize how

much

I

truly loved him!

 

DENETHOR INSANITY METER = YOUR AVERAGE GARY

OLDMAN CHARACTER

 

PIPPIN

He’s

not dead!

 

DENETHOR

I

can’t hear you! La, la, la!

 

A BRIEF LOOK beyond the walls reveals DOOM

and DEATH coming to GONDOR in the form of SAURON’S GIANT ARMY.

 

DENETHOR

I

must froth and devour scenery!

 

GANDALF clocks DENETHOR.

 

AUDIENCE

Finally.

 

GANDALF

Let’s

organize and attempt deal with this reasonably.

 

PIPPIN

They’ve

come to kill every living thing in Gondor.

 

GANDALF

…as

reasonably as possible.

 

EXT. OUTSIDE GONDOR’S WALLS

 

PIG

ORC

Everyone

ready for another battle scene?

 

WITCHKING

I

will break the wizard.

 

PIG

ORC

…you

do that.

 

FIGHTING starts. GOES ON for a while. YOU

KNOW, like it has for the PAST THREE MOVIES.

 

THINGS look bad for GONDOR. NAZGUL attack.

 

AUDIENCE

Now

might be a good time for that staff

light,

Gandalf.

 

PIPPIN

At

least I get the chance to prove myself competent.

 

PIPPIN does NOT do something STUPID.

 

EXT. NEARLY TO MORDOR

 

FRODO and GOLLUM arrive at the CAVE.

 

DIRECTOR

PETER JACKSON

Finally,

all those years of bad horror movies will pay off.

 

GOLLUM

This

is not a trap.

 

FRODO

Good

enough for me.

 

It’s DARK and SCARY and OBVIOUSLY A TRAP.

 

MEANWHILE, SAM is actually GOING BACK.

 

AUDIENCE

What

are you doing, Sam?!

 

SAM

Wait

a minute; you’re right! I’m supposed to

guard

Frodo! Whether he wants me to or not!

 

BACK TO FRODO:

 

GIANT FREAKIN’ SPIDER!

 

AUDIENCE

Argh! Harry Potter…oh, forget it.

 

FRODO

I’m

beginning to think Smeagol has betrayed me.

 

GALADRIEL

Use

the Force, Frodo. Or that light I gave

you.

That

will do.

 

FRODO lights and gets away.

 

FRODO gets caught in a WEB. GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB is coming.

 

AUDIENCE

Good

job there, Frodo.

 

GOLLUM

Ha

ha ha ha ha…

 

FRODO gets FREE.

 

GOLLUM

(cont.)

Oh. Crap.

 

GOLLUM and FRODO escape into MORDOR, which

is really NOT AN IMPROVEMENT.

 

GIANT

FREAKIN’ SHELOB

He’s

right outside my lair…do I risk going after

him

when he’s just feet away? No, I’ll do that

later

when

it’s only slightly darker.

 

FRODO and GOLLUM scuffle.

 

FRODO

Wait…wait. I’m okay.

I won’t kill you.

I’ll

just destroy the Ring and save us both.

 

GOLLUM

Destroy

the Ring? That’s why we came to Mordor?

 

AUDIENCE

Kind

of makes you wonder what Gollum thought

they

were doing in Mordor.

 

GOLLUM wants to KILL FRODO. Not that this is anything NEW. GOLLUM is thrown into a CHASM. NO ONE thinks he is DEAD.

 

FRODO

So…tired…

 

THUD.

 

CUE: DREAM SEQUENCE

 

GALADRIEL

Here

I am for my contractually obligated thirty seconds.

 

FRODO

Thanks. I needed that. Now I can go on.

 

GIANT

FREAKIN’ SHELOB

Not

much further, you can’t.

 

WORST MOMENT of the movie.

 

AUDIENCE

This

is why I hate spiders.

 

SAM

Die,

spider bitch!

 

SAM nearly saves FRODO, expecting that he is

ALREADY DEAD.

 

SOME

ORC

Or

not. Let’s take this guy to Sauron.

 

SAM

It

appears I have made a tactical error here.

 

INT. GONDOR

 

DENETHOR prepares to roast FARAMIR.

 

DENETHOR

If

my son is dead, I shall die too! And so

shall

Gondor! And all Middle Earth! In a giant, enveloping,

all

consuming flame!

 

DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DRAMA QUEEN

 

PIPPIN

Faramir

is not dead. NOT dead.

 

DENETHOR

Not

listening!

 

PIPPIN

That’s

it. I’m getting Gandalf.

 

THINGS look REALLY BAD for GONDOR.

 

PIG

ORC

So…Angmar. Gonna break that wizard?

 

WITCHKING

Getting

to it.

 

But WAIT!

It’s ROHAN, come to SAVE THE DAY.

 

AUDIENCE

Does everyone have to arrive at dawn?

 

THEODEN,

KING

People

of Rohan! We are going to die!

 

RIDERS

OF ROHAN

Yay!

 

RIDERS

attack ORCS and make things KINDA BETTER.

 

EXCEPT

for the FARAMIR BARBEQUE, of course.

 

DENETHOR

INSANITY METER = BATSHIT

 

DENETHOR

Light the pyre! Now that my son is dead…

 

GANDALF

and PIPPIN burst in.

 

PIPPIN

HE’S NOT DEAD!

 

GANDALF

and PIPPIN save FARAMIR from a rather ugly death. FARAMIR opens his eyes.

DENETHOR

Oh, wait. Faramir is NOT dead.

 

DENETHOR

catches on FIRE and RUNS straight off the LANDING STRIP of GONDOR.

 

DENETHOR

I should have installed a lake!

 

AUDIENCE

Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!

Stop…wow, he ran all that way on fire?

 

EXT.

OUTSIDE OF MINAS TIRITH

 

THEODEN, KING

Well, this is actually looking pretty

good.

Unusual for us…

 

MORE

EVIL PEOPLE arrive on giant OLIPHAUNTS.

 

AUDIENCE

Go for the legs! Haven’t you ever seen “Star Wars?”

 

EOMER,

EOWYN and MERRY do their BEST, but it’s still PRETTY BAD.

 

INT.

GONDOR

 

PIPPIN

Gandalf, what’s death like? I’m just wondering

because it seems like we’ll be dead

pretty soon.

 

GANDALF

Well, there are big white fields, and

endless shores,

and a sunrise.

 

PIPPIN

Wow, death sounds…

 

GANDALF

Peaceful? Pastoral? Idyllic?

 

PIPPIN

Well, I was going to say dull, but those

work too.

 

EXT.

BATTLE FOR GONDOR

 

Things

SUCK.

 

THEODEN, KING

Ah, this is more familiar.

 

WITCHKING

Hmm…this looks like the leader. I should off him.

 

WITCHKING

takes down THEODEN, KING.

 

EOWYN

Daaaadddd…wait, no…UNCLE!

 

EOWYN

hacks the head off of the WITCHKING’S UGLY MOUNT in two strokes. TWO!

 

AUDIENCE

I want an Eowyn action figure. Screw this doll crap!

Action figure!

 

WITCHKING

That was so the wrong thing to do, buddy.

No man can kill me.

 

AUDIENCE

Again with the giant loophole.

 

MERRY

Well, technically, I’m not a man, but all

I can

do is bite your ankles. But, hey, it’s a moment

of glory! Beat that Pippin, with your saving Faramir.

 

EOWYN

I am woman; hear me roar!

 

WITCHKING

implodes.

 

THEODEN, KING

I was wrong. You were right to go out onto the

field, thus imperilling Rohan by denying

it a

leader should we fail.

 

THEODEN,

KING dies.

 

EOWYN

I’ll see everyone at the end of the

movie.

 

MEANWHILE:

 

ARAGORN

and the DEAD, fresh from an OFF-SCREEN BATTLE, arrive and demolish what remains

of the ORCS.

 

AUDIENCE

Do NOT mess with the Dead.

 

DIRECTOR

PETER JACKSON, realizing he has turned LEGOLAS into a MORON in this movie,

gives him a GREAT MOMENT with an OLIPHAUNT.

 

GIMLI

I only get a comedic moment because I do

not have a rabid fanbase.

 

THE ONE RABID GIMLI FAN

Nooooo!

Why was his part reduced?!

 

PIPPIN

discovers MERRY on the field.

 

MERRY

How did I get all the way over here?

 

PIPPIN

I’m here now, Merry. You’re safe.

 

AUDIENCE

Yeah, cover him up. That’ll help.

He needs the touch of the King.

 

ARAGORN

Well, he’s not going to get it.

 

EXT.

MORDOR

 

MEANWHILE:

FRODO and SAM arrive at the THIRD BOOK.

 

ORC #1

I kill you!

 

ORC#2

No, I kill you.

 

ORCS

kill EACH OTHER.

 

AUDIENCE

Gotta love dispensable minions.

 

SAM

This tower is nearly empty. Oh no, here comes an orc.

Grrr…I’m big and mean!

 

SOME ORC

Uh-oh!

It’s gonna get me! Wait, its’

just a…[dies]

 

SAM

saves FRODO from MESSY DEATH.

 

FANGIRLS

Is Frodo…naked?

 

NOPE.

 

FANGIRLS

Damn.

 

FRODO

Sam, I’m so glad to see you!

 

SAM

Oh, Frodo, I missed you!

 

IDIOT ADOLESCENT BOYS IN FRONT OF ME

Heh, heh, heh. Frodo and Sam are GAY!

 

PARODY AUTHOR EVADNE NOEL

Why must they always sit near me? Why?

 

FRODO

Sam, everything is lost! They have the Ring!

 

SAM

No, they don’t.

 

FRODO

They don’t? Then, who has it?

 

AUDIENCE

Who do you think?

 

SAM

I have it.

 

AUDIENCE

Was this supposed to be a surprise?

 

FRODO

Sam, you must give me the Ring, or we

will

be forced to listen to the heartbeat

soundtrack.

 

EXT.

MORDOR

 

THE

SEARCHLIGHT OF SAURON scours MORDOR for…SOMETHING.

 

EYE OF SAURON

What’s over here? Or here?

Or here?

When do I take my Ritalin?

 

FRODO

Hoo boy.

This is going to be difficult.

 

INT.

THE INCREDIBLY WHITE HALL

 

GANDALF

Frodo is going to die. Probably Sam, too.

 

ARAGORN

We can save them by drawing Sauron’s

forces to

the Black Gate.

 

EOMER

Yes.

Sauron will be forced to look at us.

 

GIMLI

Death is imminent. That’s great.

 

GANDALF

Yes, I believe Sauron could be fooled by

our ploy.

 

ARAGORN

So we’re all agreed?

 

LEGOLAS

A distraction!

 

ARAGORN

Yes, Legolas. Welcome to the conversation.

 

AUDIENCE

Man, did Legolas draw the short straw

this movie?

 

EXT.

MORDOR

 

THE RING

I attack you with invisible gnats! Invisible gnats!

I am soooo bad!

 

THE

LIGHTHOUSE OF SAURON sweeps around, still looking for that…SOMETHING. FRODO gets in its way.

 

EYE OF SAURON

HEY! I…

 

FRODO

…SEE ME.

I know.

[hits the ground]

 

SAM

NoooOOOoooo!

 

FORTUNATELY,

ARAGORN and REST OF THE CAST arrives at the BLACK GATE, causing…

 

LEGOLAS

A distraction!

 

THANK

YOU. But we still have a MAN DOWN.

 

SAM

Let me try to revive Frodo with an

inspirational speech!

 

DOESN’T

WORK. SAM tries MELODRAMA.

 

SAM

I will never abandon you, Frodo!

I’ll carry you all the way up Mt. Doom!

 

AUDIENCE

And the winner of the Drama Queen Award

is…Sam!

But a big thanks to Elrond and Denethor

for participating!

 

EXT.

THE BLACK GATE

 

ARAGORN

Hey!

Saruon! Open up and face

justice!

 

SAURON

Aragorn?

Is that you? Hey, guys! It’s Elessar!

Everyone outside to say “hi!” NOW!

 

One

more BATTLE SCENE.

 

MEANWHILE:

 

GOLLUM

I’m back! You’re surprised! Right?

 

SAM

No.

And since Frodo has suddenly found the energy

to run all the way up the volcano,

there’s no one

to keep me from killing you.

 

UNFORTUNATELY,

he can’t.

 

THE RING

C’mon, Frodo. You know you don’t want to destroy me.

 

FRODO

You’re right. I don’t.

 

THE RING

I love you, man.

 

FRODO

claims the RING.

 

EYE OF SAURON

…what the? HEY! The battle is only…

 

LEGOLAS

A distraction!

 

EYE OF SAURON

…right.

Ringwraiths! Get that Hobbit!

 

INT.

MOUNT DOOM

 

GOLLUM

I want the Ring! I will bite off your figure to get it!

 

AUDIENCE

Ewwwww.

Though, to be honest, it’s a good thing.

 

GOLLUM

and FRODO grapple for THE RING, and OOPS! GOLLUM falls over the EDGE into the

FLAMING, HOT LAVA.

 

THE RING

Gollum was swallowed immediately, but I

have to linger for dramatic tension.

 

FRODO

hangs onto the EDGE, barely.

 

SAM

Frodo, you have to grab my hand! Grab it,

or I’ll get overdramatic on you again!

 

EXT.

THE BLACK GATE

 

EVERYONE

is put in the WORST POSITION POSSIBLE.

 

MOTH

Um…I have a deus ex machina for a Gandalf

the

White…?

Sign here, please.

 

MERRY

The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!

I’m not quite sure why, but the Eagles

are coming!

 

EAGLES

start alleviating the TROUBLE just as THE RING is melted.

 

THE RING

Oh, shi…

 

EYE OF SAURON

Oh, shi…

 

BARAD-DUR

collapses. THE EYE looks around

frantically. And becomes even more

FLAMING, if possible.

 

EYE OF SAURON

I’m an eye! What else can I do!

 

SAURON

goes BOOM! MIDDLE EARTH is saved!

 

CAST

Hooray!

 

MOUNT

DOOM explodes.

 

CAST (cont.)

Yaaaay!

Wait a minute…FRODO!

 

AUDIENCE

And Sam.

 

EXT.

MOUNT DOOM

 

FRODO

and SAM stagger outside of the ERUPTING VOLCANO, and aren’t scorched by the

RAGING HEAT.

 

FRODO

The Ring is gone and now we die! Hooray!

 

They

find a RELATIVELY SAFE place to wait for DEATH.

 

SAM

This is six million, three hundred

seventy four

thousand, eight hundred and twelve steps

further

from home than I have ever been before.

 

FRODO

I’m glad you’re here, Sam. Want to have a Moment,

like we usually do at the end of these

movies?

 

GANDALF

You’re going to have postpone that

Moment, for

our mystery Eagles have come to save you.

 

FRODO

passes out.

 

INT. A

BRIGHT PLACE

 

FRODO

Hmm…I’m overexposed. I must be with the Elves.

 

GANDALF

Actually, it might still be Gondor.

 

FRODO

Gandalf!

You’re alive!

 

GANDALF

Yes, and as always, you are the last to

know.

 

MERRY AND PIPPIN

Frodo!

You’re alive! Let’s jump on the

injured guy!

 

BEHOLD! FRODO smiles for the first time in nearly

THREE MOVIES.

 

ARAGORN and

GIMLI are also pleased to see FRODO, but refrain from JUMPING HIM. Though, the AUDIENCE wonders about GIMLI for

a moment.

 

LEGOLAS

I am too aloof to show emotion.

 

EXT.

LANDING STRIP OF GONDOR

 

GANDALF

crowns ARAGORN king.

 

CAST

Yay!

 

ARAGORN,

in a moment completely as TOLKIEN would have it, breaks into SONG.

 

FARAMIR

I’m better! Not dying!

 

EOWYN

I’m standing next to Faramir. I think we have a

relationship now.

 

AUDIENCE

Well, yay, I guess.

 

ARAGORN

Why, the Elves are here! What’s behind that

banner, Elrond?

 

AUDIENCE

Hmm, I wonder. Is she hiding or what?

 

ARWEN

Hi, honey! I made you this totally gorgeous banner,

and I’m not dying…mmph!

 

ARAGORN

pulls ARWEN into a KISS. ELROND stops

looking PISSY for 3.2 SECONDS.

 

ARWEN (cont.)

Honey, not in front of the entire

civilized world!

 

ARAGORN

honours the HOBBITS. They look

DISTINCTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

 

ARAGORN

So, Frodo. I’m getting married soon.

I was

wondering…I’m going to need a ring

bearer…

 

FRODO

Don’t make me hurt you, my Lord.

 

EXT.

THE UNSCOURGED SHIRE

 

AUDIENCE

Whoa!

Technicolor Shire!

 

FRODO

So, does anyone else feel awkward?

 

SAM

pursues ROSIE.

 

PIPPIN

Go get her, tiger! Assert your heterosexuality!

 

TIME

PASSES.

 

FRODO

I’m still all depressed. I guess we should get to

the ending now, before the Audience’s

butts

get too numb.

 

EXT.

GREY HAVENS

 

BILBO

I’m back! And mummified!

 

ELROND

and GALADRIEL are waiting on the DOCK.

CELEBORN fills SPACE.

 

ELROND

Come, Bilbo. Come to the allegorical end.

 

GALADRIEL

gives that weird “I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW” smile. She gets on the BOAT, presumably with

CELEBORN.

 

GANDALF

Well, I’m off too. Gonna get on the boat now…

 

HOBBITS

Okay, bye, Gandalf.

 

GANDALF

Walking up the gangplank…Leaving Middle

Earth forever…

Oh, for heavens…Come ON, Frodo.

 

SAM

Wait, what? Frodo must leave me? But,

I can’t be

parted from Frodo for more than 5

seconds!

 

FRODO

I’m sorry, Sam. But the moral of the story requires me

to sail off into the symbolic

sunset. After all, sometimes,

you just can’t go back.

 

SAM

Okay, Frodo. One last Moment before you go?

 

FRODO

Sure, Sam.

 

They

have a MOMENT. SAM returns to his

HOBBIT DUPLEX.

 

SAM

The End.

Really this time.