A Revised Version of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Manuscript Part One
Scene 1: The Shire…aka an Allergist’s nightmare……
(Frodo Baggins reading; interrupted by Gandalf the Grey entering town)
Frodo: You’re late.
Gandalf: Wizards are senile, never late.
Frodo: I don’t understand.
Gandalf: Well then I’ll just start laughing. Hahahahahaha
Gandalf: So how’s your uncle Bilbo?
Frodo: Well technically, he’s my third cousin twice removed on my father’s side…
Gandalf: He’s probably your grandmother too for all you Hobbits care about incest.
Frodo: I still don’t understand.
Scene 2: Bilbo’s House…
(Gandalf knocks on door)
Bilbo: I’m not interested in anything you’re selling…
Gandalf: What about very old friends?
Bilbo:(pause)(while opening door) I don’t think that made any sen- Gandalf!
Frodo: What’s going on?!
Bilbo: Shut up you’re not in this scene.
Frodo: Oh yeah.
Bilbo: Come in!! Nose around in my things while I go get you some food!
Gandalf: No thanks, I’m on Weight Watchers.
Bilbo: Well I hope you don’t mind if I stuff my face .
Gandalf: I suppose not. So how’s the big party coming?
Gandalf: You are 111 today aren’t you?
Bilbo:Yes, but I never knew about a party.
Gandalf: (realizing it was a surprise) uhh did I say party?
Gandalf: Uhhh So…how are…things?
Bilbo: I’m tired, Gandalf; like butter scraped over too much bread.
Gandalf: Don’t you mean thin like butter scraped over too much bread?
Bilbo: Whatever…the point is, I think I’m going to take a vacation…forever. Checking out, moving on, making reservations…at Rivendell Suites.
(Sigh of relief from Gandalf)
Gandalf: You know Frodo looks up to you.
Frodo: Is that my cue?
Bilbo:No!…Well I suppose I could stay for my birthday party before I leave, as a “farewell to the Shire”…and Frodo.
Gandalf: Uhhhh…what party? You’re not having a party?
Scene 3: Bilbo’s Party….
(a lot of hubbub and very silly dancing before Bilbo’s big speech)
Bilbo: My dear Bagginses, Boffins, Tooks, Brandybucks, Fizzpuffers, Mangowaggers, Dribbledrousers, and Tinkletooths-
Old man: Tinkleteeth!
Bilbo: I’m 111, and I really like you all and stuff, but it’s really quite boring around here, so uhh, I’m…leaving (disappears)
Scene 4: Bilbo’s house…(again)
Gandalf: I suppose you think that was funny?
Bilbo: Who cares? Keeps me away from those freaks.
Gandalf: How did you do it?
Bilbo: Duh? don’t you remember that ring I got on our little adventure?
Gandalf: (embarassed) Bilbo I thought we agreed not to talk about that one…
Bilbo: No, no! The one with all those money-grubbing little dwarves!
Gandalf: (clears throat) Oh…umm…yes of course. You still have that??
Bilbo: Why do you care?!?!
Gandalf: Just wondering man-
Bilbo: Well if I want to keep it that’s my business not yours it’s mine it came to me it’s my precious if I want to build shrines and make sacrifices to it it’s my business not yours MUAH HAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!
Gandalf: Bilbo, you’re freakin me out.
Bilbo: Sorry, it has that effect on me. But it beats Old Toby any day!
Gandalf: Let me have a go…
Gandalf: Whoa maybe I shouldn’t.
Bilbo: I have to leave anyway, or I’ll miss the Elvish belly dancers in from Mirkwood.
Gandalf: Oh that’s right you’re staying in Rivendell.
Bilbo: Give the ring to Frodo; I suppose it has too strong of a hold on me; plus if I kept it it would ruin the plot.
Gandalf: ok. Have fun on your trip!
Frodo: Did someone say…Frodo?! Hey where’s Bilbo?
Gandalf: He left.
Frodo: He talked about it for ages.
Gandalf: He left you his magic ring…and all his stuff.
Frodo: House partay!!!
Gandalf: Uhh yeah sure just NO USING THE RING. Bilbo called it his precious, and it freaks me out.
Frodo: aww ok.
Gandalf: Keep it secret, keep it safe.
Scene 5: Gondor…Gandalf reading info on the ring…
Gandalf: CRAP THIS IS ONE BAD RING!!
Scene 6: Bilbo’s House(yes I know this is the third time but quit your buggering it’s the last)
(Gandalf grabs him from behind)
Gandalf: Is it secret?!?!?! Is it SAFE?!?!!!
(Gandalf starts laughing)
Gandalf: You shoulda seen your face!!! But seriously where is it?
Gandalf : I wanna do a little experiment…
Frodo: Uhh here I think this is it…WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!
Gandalf: Well by tossing this ring into the fire I can tell if it is the One Ring.
Gandalf: You can figure that out…here take it.
Frodo: OWW IT’S HOT!!
Gandalf: It shouldn’t be?!?!
Frodo: Psyche! Haha got you back. Whoa what’s it doing? Hey this writing looks like something I saw on the wall at the subway once…
Gandalf: The language is that of Mordor; and we’re all screwed.
Frodo: I want my mommy! Why are we screwed??
Gandalf: Because this ring belonged to Sauron.
Gandalf: He created it in the depths of Mt. Doom to rule over the world and poured his life force into it so that if he gets it back he will take physical form and wreak havoc and chaos unto the ends of the earth.
Frodo: Ok so it’s not sweet.
Frodo: What do I have to do with it?
Gandalf: Good question. Umm, take it to a bar full of drunk old men on the outskirts of the Shire; that’s a smart move.
Gandalf: Meet ya there!
Frodo: Not if I beat you to it!
(rustling in bushes outside of window)
Gandalf: Samwise Gamgee! I didn’t hire you to trim the hedges…
Sam: I heard raised voices-
Gandalf: What did you hear?
Sam: Well nothing actually I just heard raised voices.
Gandalf: Then you must accompany Frodo bearing the most evil object ever created past Sauron’s thousands of minions…with limited food and drink!!!!
Scene 7: The fields of the Shire…
Gandalf: This ring is bad, Sauron is bad, and his servants are bad…got that?
Frodo: I didn’t catch the part about the mattress springs and the rubber duckie.
Gandalf: Well I hafta go.
Gandalf: I hafta go ask another wizard what I should do.
Frodo: What you should do??!?! I know what you should do!! You should STAY HERE and come with us!! This is crazy!!!
Sam: More food for us, Mr Frodo-
Frodo: So long, Gandalf!
Scene 8: Farmer Maggot’s fields…
Sam: FRODO!! FRODO!! Willikers, I’ve lost him!!
Frodo: I’m right behind you Sam. And don’t say Willikers ever again..
(They get knocked over by Merry and Pippin, who have previously been unintroduced; hey, it’s my revision, I’ll do what I want!)
Merry: Look Pippin; it’s Frodo!
Pippin: Ahh yes Frodo, my mother’s father’s sister’s cousin’s fourth cousin twice removed.
Merry: Uhh yeah.
Frodo: What are you doing out here?
Pippin: Takin stuff. Uh oh! Here comes Farmer Maggot! Let’s drop all this food we just collected and run!
Scene 9: Somewhere Else in the Shire…
Merry: So what brings you here?
Frodo: Didn’t you know? Didn’t you and Sam and Pippin form a secret conspiracy to discover my methods and then accompany me on my quest?
Pippin: This isn’t the book; we hafta dumb it up and just make it look like we came along for fun. Whoa look ‘shrooms!
Frodo: …Well then what happened to Fatty??
Sam: It’s alright Mr. Frodo, calm down.
Frodo: Whoa it’s a dude that’s all in black!
Pippin: Should we hide?
Frodo: Sure!(they hide)
Merry: What was that?
Sam: I think it was that guy I owed money down at the Green Dragon.
Merry: okay we’re not that stupid we know he’s after that ring.
Frodo: What ring?
Merry: The one you’re kinda wearing around your neck. It’s pretty obvious.
Frodo: Well I guess that means you hafta come with us.
Scene 10: Orthanc, Gandalf riding to Saruman’s Fortress…
Saruman: Just realized we’re screwed?
Gandalf: Yeah I guess.
Saruman: Come inside.
Gandalf: It’s been in the Shire the whole time.
Saruman: What has?
Gandalf: The Ring.
Saruman: Ring? Oh yeah that ring.
Gandalf: What do you think we should do?
Saruman: Umm……give it to me.
Saruman:….give it to me.
Saruman: Because I said so.
Gandalf: You can’t make me!
Saruman: Yes I can!
Saruman: CAN CAN CAN CAN CAN!!!
Gandalf: I’m telling MOM on you!!!
(An extremely silly break-dance fight; similar to Zoolander)
Scene 11: Bree…
Frodo: Well here we are.
Pippin: Wow this reminds me of an X-Files episode I once saw…
Merry: Shut up Pippin!
Frodo: We must go inside!!
Merry: Inside what?
Frodo: I dunno. What smells the most like booze?
Sam: This one!
Frodo: Let’s go.
Scene 12: The Prancing Pony…
Merry: I bet I can drink more than you Pippin!
Pippin: You’re on!
Crowd: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Sam: That man in the corner’s done nothing but stare at you.
Frodo: Getting jealous, Sam?
Barliman: Around here we call him Prancer.
Frodo: Hey did I ask you?
Strider: So I suppose I’ve been introduced…oh and it’s Strider! Not Prancer. I take offense to that. I’m here to help you.
Sam: He’s a skank.
Strider: All rangers are supposed to look this way. It’s our duty.
Frodo: How should we trust so skankly a person?
Strider: All that is gold does not glitter, not-…
Merry: Hey skankface this isn’t the book shut yer piehole!
Pippin: Oh man I am wasted, and there’s Frodo *hiccup* my cousin’s mother…no my mother’s cousin…uncle…brother-
Frodo: PIPPIN!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(Frodo’s ring conveniently falls right around his index finger and he disappears, he crawls into a corner and takes it off and then is escorted upstairs)
Scene 13: Strider’s Little Room Thing…
Strider: Take off your clothes!!
Frodo: AAAAHHHH!!! Well, ok.
Strider: Just kidding man!!
Frodo: Oh…I knew that…heh.
Strider: You must follow me.
Frodo: First take a shower.
Sam: I’ll have you on shanks!
Strider: What the heck are shanks?
Frodo: This is no use.
Strider: Look I know you have the ring because I talked to Gandalf-
Pippin: Not in the movie…
Strider: I saw it when it fell on your finger…
Pippin: There we go.
Strider: Are you frightened?
Strider: Not as frightened as I!! Just look at my punctuation!!
Frodo: I can be just as scared as you!!!
Strider: Well I know what those black things are, so stay with me.
Frodo: Where’s Gandalf?
Strider: Well he and I were searching for Gollum all over and-
Merry: Ah ah ah…
Strider: …I dunno I guess we’ll find out later.
Frodo: Where should we go now?
Strider: …Elvish belly dancers in from Mirkwood.
Sam: Is there food there?
Strider: If you like crackers wrapped in leaves.
Scene 14: Weathertop…
Strider: This is the old watchtower of Amon Sul. Look it’s a G rune! Gandalf must have…(Before Pippin corrects him)I mean, where the heck is Gandalf by now, anyway?
Frodo: Can we sleep? Walking is hard work with such big feet.
Sam: Yes master. And while you’re asleep we’ll all cook a big breakfast and see how far the smoke is visible.
Pippin: Uh oh more black dudes!
Strider: Ringwraiths, you idiot.
Merry: I liked black dudes better-
Strider: But, it’s not politically correct.
Sam: Hey who’s watching Frodo?
Frodo: OACHWADFARKAT WAAAAHHHH!!!
Strider: Ha!! Ringwraiths are afraid of two things…fire and shallow water! Take that!!
Sam: Is Frodo gonna be ok?
Strider: He was stabbed by a Morgul Blade, the deadliest weapon of all.
Merry: Why? Is it poisoned??
Strider: Worse. It dissolves, leaving no evidence.
Sam: Didn’t OJ use one of those?
Frodo: Umm I don’t mean to bother you but I’m kind of…dying…
Strider: Oh yeah here let me help you
(Suddenly knife gets pointed at his neck)
Arwen: Hey baby what’s happenin?
Strider: Arwen! Good! Where’s Glorfindel we need to get Frodo to-
Strider:(Pause)…….you mean SHE’S taking Frodo to Rivendell?
Arwen: Ugh! You are like so sexist! Daddy!! WAAAHHH!!!
Strider: This is ridiculous.
Frodo: Look! I can cry like a Ringwraith!! AEAOUIOAK!!
Arwen: Just let me take him.
Sam: Are you crazy? Those wraiths are still out there!!
Merry: They’re always out there you moron.
Sam: I know, I’ve just always wanted to say something very dramatic!
Scene 15: Rivendell…
(Somehow the Ringwraiths couldn’t catch Arwen)
Frodo: Where am I?
Gandalf: You are in the house of Elrond. It is October the 24th, Wednesday, 3:45, my birthday, the fourth day of Hanukkah, and National Dwarf Appreciation Day.
Frodo: House of Elrond would have been enough- Gandalf!
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell young hobbit-
Frodo: AAAHH IT’S AGENT SMITH!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
Gandalf: You watch too much television.
Sam: Frodo you’re alive!!
Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side!
Frodo: That’s freaky.
Gandalf: Not as freaky as those Elvish belly dancers! Whew baby!
Frodo: Aww I missed those?
Elrond: Hey you’re alive aren’t you? We should celebrate!!
Sam: Good I’m hungry!
A Revised Version of the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Manuscript Part Two(*Gasp!*)
Scene 1: The Council of Elrond…
(Everyone’s sitting in a big circle thing)
Elrond: We are gathered here to talk about this ring that does terrible things and says terrible stuff and attracts terrible people; like yourselves!!(Elrond laughs hysterically with no reply from the council) Attracts terrible people?…ya know…like…yourselves?? To the council?? (Pause)
Ahh yes, well. So what is to be done?
Boromir: Let Us Use It!
Gimli: Let Us Destroy It!
Legolas: Let Us Cast It Off!
Strider: Let’s Give it to Tom Bombadil!
Ahh dangit I never get it right.
Boromir: You are a stupid skank-faced bottom wiper!
Legolas: He is no mere skank! He is Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Son of Aerosol. I am trying to seem important!
Boromir: Why is this significant?
Legolas: Because he could take your daddy’s job.
Boromir: Yeah well your dad…is…an elf!
Elrond: ENOUGH!!!!! This ring was created by Sauron and it has some pretty weird markings-
Gandalf: ASH NAZGK GRIMBACHKNAZ NAZCHK-
Frodo: Oh My!! Is that the Black Speech of Mordor, Gandalf?!?!
Gandalf: No I’ve had a big loogie in my throat ever since I got back from Isengard.
Elrond: Tell us the tale Gandalf.
Gandalf: Of my loogie?
Elrond: Uhh…no, of Saruman.
Gandalf: Saruman is bad…way bad. Like Cruella De Vil bad…fingernails and all…sharp fingernails…that puncture the skin…fingernails…
Gandalf: Oh, um: I went to him to tell him about the ring and he tried to convince me to take it and we started break-dance fighting and then I got stuck on top of Orthanc. But it was ok cuz I talked to a moth and told him to find an eagle to take me back here.
Aragorn: Wait wait wait let me get this straight: You talked to a moth to tell an eagle to come find you.
Aragorn: I don’t think I’m in the right movie-
Gimli: Here let me make a fool of myself by trying to smash the Ring!!….ouch.
Elrond: Oh yeah I forgot: We can’t get rid of it unless we take it to the place Sauron made it.
Gandalf: So let’s do that.
Elrond: You wanna take it??
Elrond: That’s what I thought.
Boromir: Mordor is where it was made. There is evil there…that does not sleep. It parties into the wee hours of the night to polka music playing canasta and reaks of Cheese Puffs and Dill dip!! The most horrible stench imagineable; the very air you breathe is a poisonous mixture of the two.
Legolas: Wow. Sounds like fun.
Gimli: NO! Don’t give it to the elf! Elves are stupid pointy-eared pansies!! Never trust an elf!! Elves are the reason we have this stupid thing! Elves can’t commit to a relationship because “they’re immortal and it just gets boring!!”
Legolas: No one said they’d give me the Ring!! And I thought we both agreed about that immortal thing!
(The entire council breaks out into argument for a minute or two; finally Frodo speaks up)
Frodo: I’ll take it!
Elrond: Shut up you stupid hobbit-
Frodo: I’m serious!
I HAVE THE RING, AND IF YOU ALL DON’T SHUT UP I’M GONNA PUT IT ON AND ZAP Y’ALL DEAD OR SOMETHIN!!
Elrond: I guess no one else wants to do it.
Elrond: Sure kid, whatever.
Elrond: You won’t be sayin awesome when you turn out like old “uncle” Bilbo.
Gandalf: Well it looks like we have no choice. I will come and make sure he’s tall enough to throw it in.
Boromir: I will come and try to change their minds.
Gimli: I am a dwarf!!
Aragorn: I’m taking a shower!
Legolas: And I guess I’ll come so I can be the most prettyful.
Arwen: I wanna come!! Ary baby can I come too?!
Arwen: Ugh! Why? Don’t you LOVE ME?!?!
Elrond: Arwen; there comes a time in every man’s life where he needs to be in a fellowship with other people to destroy a weapon of mass destruction such as this ring, and those people need to be men, not women.
Arwen: But why?!?!
Elrond:….because it’s in the books.
Arwen:….WWWAAAAAHHHHH!! [Exit Arwen(Very hysterically)]
(Sam, Merry, and Pippin pop out of the bushes)
Sam: Hey! We wanna come!!
Pippin: We’re probably making a huge mistake, but we don’t care!!
Merry: Yeah! We’re hobbits!
Sam: We do get food, right??
Elrond: Yes, Lembas. The finest leaf-crackers east of the west.
Sam: Do we get mustard to go with them leaf-crackers?
Elrond: Shut up and leave already I don’t want this stupid ring here!
(As they leave various things are being shouted by the elves and other patrons, such as “have a safe trip” and “hope you don’t screw up” and “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE”, from a dazed Elrond)
Scene 2: Along the Misty Mountains…
Aragorn: So does anyone have a clue as to where we’re going?
Sam: Mt. Doom?
Aragorn: No I mean what path we’re taking here.
Gimli: Let us go through the Mines of Moria!
Legolas: Let us shut the heck up!
Gimli: Lembas muncher!
Legolas: Mine Mongrel!
Gimli: You can hardly tell your women apart from your men!
Legolas: Well at least our women don’t have beards!
Gimli: *GASP* Take that back!
(Legolas sticks his tongue out)
Gandalf: Gimli I would not pass through the Mines of Moria; even if you gave me five bucks.
Gimli: Ten bucks says we go anyway! HA! You can’t avoid it! It’s in the books!
Gandalf: Don’t we have any choices?
Boromir: We could go through the Gap of Rohan!
Aragorn: No, Saruman would find us and then we’d be in deep.
Gandalf: Let us go up that impossibly snowy mountain!!
Gimli: Oh come on! You know we’ll never make it-
Gandalf: I’d rather not!
Gimli: Save everyone some time and cut a good ten minutes out of the movie!
Gandalf: No! We must try.
Gimli: …How ‘bout I just meet ya in the mines?-
Legolas: Shut up Dwarf! Why don’t you just get going and start singing that “Heigh-Ho” song your people like so much?
Gimli: I suppose you don’t mind snow, elf, because all your kind are working at the North Pole!
Scene 3: Caradhras(The mountain)…
Gandalf: Man this was a bad idea….
Gimli: I told you!
Legolas: Saruman is cursing the mountain!
Frodo: Can’t you do something Gandalf?
Gandalf: Not really. White powers cancel out grey in the High Order of Wizards unless there is a 2/3 majority vote. And since I received a fine for Chanting Under the Influence I’ve had no magical ability whatsoever, which is why I display next to NONE in the film.
Gimli: I want my ten bucks Wizard man!
Gandalf: Oh quit your buggering! We’ll go to the blasted mines!
Scene 4: Outside the Mines…
Gandalf: Well, here we are.
Frodo: Where’s the entrance?
Gandalf: It is only visible by sunlight, starlight, moonlight, and flashlight; the latter I happen to have in my pocket.
(Door appears on side of mountain)
Gandalf: These are the doors of Durin. They say speak, friend, and enter…
(While Gandalf is talking)
Merry: Pippin, are you getting tired of us being reduced to comic relief?
Pippin: Yeah; what’s your point?
Merry: Well…maybe if we do something really stupid, we won’t hafta say funny things anymore to impress people; we could just be increduously dumb.
Pippin: I have an idea! Let’s throw rocks at that big sea monster over there!
Merry: Just what I was thinking!…
Gandalf: This isn’t working. I don’t understand….speak, friend, and enter.
Frodo: No no no! You’re getting the punctuation all wrong! It’s “Speak ‘friend’ and enter.”
Gandalf: So I say ‘friend’ and it opens?
Gandalf: How did you get to be so smart?!
Frodo: I read the book. The word is…well, we better get ready to run because that sea monster’s gonna attack as soon as we say mellon.
Gandalf: What sea monster-AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
(Fight with giant squid-looking octopus-type shark-thing; dangerously silly)
Scene 5: Inside the Mines…
Legolas: Dwarves are numbskulls.
Gimli: Oh yeah!?…Well…Elves are airheads!
Legolas: Do you always have to counter my insults with even more stereotypes?
Gimli:Do you ALWAYS have to counter my insults with even MORE stereotypes?
Legolas: Ok now you’re just mocking me!
Gimli: Ok now you’re just mocking me!!
Legolas: Gandalf! Stop him!
Gimli: Gandalf!! Stop him!!
Boromir: Shut up!!!
Legolas: Hmpfh! I wanna go home!
Gandalf: We now have no choice. There is no way back.
Gimli: We never had a choice-
Gandalf: Shut up Gimli. I’m glad I brought a flaslight attachment for my staff, or we’d all be screwed.
(Very long pause)
Frodo: Why is no one else saying anything?
Gandalf: Because no one else has dialogue in the movie for a half hour.
Gandalf: Yep. Just you and me talking.
Frodo: I wish this ring had never come to me-
Gandalf: Quit your crying you were the one that wanted to take it so bad.
Frodo: Yes, but look at that guy!
(points to Gollum)
He had the ring and now he looks like a demented smurf!
Gandalf: Well if you didn’t have it someone else would and they’d probably think the same thing so there’s no use crying about it!
Frodo: …Wow! Gandalf, that was brilliant! Your words of wisdom pass all depths of knowledge and understanding, and will surely aid me on my quest…
Gandalf: Whatever shuts you up.
Scene 6: Somewhere Else Inside the Mines…
Gandalf: BEHOLD!!! The halls of Dwarrowdelf!
Gimli: My cousin Balin should be around here somewhere. Although I haven’t really gotten any Birthday Cards from him in the past 50 years…wonder what happened to him??
Legolas: Fifty years is nothing to me.
Pippin: But, in the movie, all the fangirls think you’re twenty-three, when you’re really like twenty-three hundred.
Legolas: How dare they!
Boromir:Whoa look it’s a big slab of concrete in the middle of a big room with a big hole in the back.
Sam: Well I sure am glad we have Captain Obvious in our fellowship here.
Gandalf: It says “Here lies Balin, Son of Fundin, Lord of-”
Merry: THE RINGS?!?!?!?!
Gandalf: No! Moria, you nitwit.
Gimli: Balin’s dead?!?! Why didn’t I get Grandma’s Hutch?! He said he would give it to me?! This is awful; no one is here anymore!! OOAAWAWAH!!!
Sam: …you mean we don’t get FOOD?!?!? WWWWAAAAAHHHH
Boromir: People are crying!! WWAAAHHH!!!
Gandalf: SHUT UP EVERYONE!!!! This book could give us a clue.
Hmm… “Dwarvish for Dummies”… “101 Ways to Grill a Goblin”… “You Stroke My Axe and I’l-” whoa I’m not readin that one. Ah here; “Balin’s secret Diary: XOXOXO.” This is how it reads…
Day 1: I got this spiffy diary for my birthday!! I’m so happy 🙂
Day 2: Oh man I think I ate too much bean dip at my party last night. But it was a great party- OMG you should have seen what Gloin wore! He was like, a TOTAL freak show!! I mean, get serious!-
Aragorn: Skip ahead, Gandalf…
Gandalf: Oh uhh sure.
Day 342: Are those….goblins??
Day 363: Yep. They were goblins. Everyone’s dead. The bean dip is gone. My lip gloss supply is depleted. Ugh! I think I just broke a nail!
Day 1,033: I can’t believe they haven’t found me yet.
Day: 1,035: They found me.
Gandalf: That is the end of the account.
Pippin: Whoa look at this skeleton! (CRASH BANG BOOM FIZZLE) Uhh nevermind.
Gandalf: Stupid fool of a Took!
Merry: Good job Pippin! You got some attention!
Aragorn: Where should we go now?
Gandalf: To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!! RRRRRUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
(They all run; in the background “Gonna Fly Now” from the Rocky Soundtrack is playing)
(They run, and run…..and run. Oh and they jump, too. And then they run some more)
(They stop, the Goblins run away)
Gandalf: No…not alright.
(Huge flames come from the end of the hall)
Boromir: What is this new devilry?
Gandalf: He’s an old flame…I swear he’ll be the death of me.
Aragorn: Ya know Gandalf that whole two jokes in one sentence thing isn’t working out for you.
Gandalf: He’s a Balrog…and if you all knew half as much as I did about him then we’d know more than half about it than half the population!
Merry: Wasn’t that joke supposed to be at the beginning?
Aragorn: It’s just been hit-and-miss for you Gandalf, I suggest you keep the jokes to a minimum.
Gandalf: Well I hope you know more about humor than you do about hygiene!
Boromir: Haha!! That was a good one!
Pippin: I don’t mean to interrupt anything, but that huge fire monster’s coming towards us!
Frodo: So we should run??
(They get to the bridge; they all cross it except for Gandalf)
Gandalf: You should reconsider attempting to cross this bridge!!
Aragorn: Ahh dang he’s forgot his lines…
Gandalf: My name is Gandalf!…I…am a….Wizard!!…and I have a super-bright FLASHLIGHT ATTACHMENT!!
Gandalf: If…you don’t…uhh…stop!…. I’ll….hurt you!!
Balrog: *Scoff* Look your lines are “You shall not pass”, and all that mumbo jumbo about the secret fire, ok?! It’s not that complicated, it’s elementary stuff!!
Gandalf: Oh yeah, sorry.
Balrog: I can’t work with this!! Bad actors, bad visual effects, and the sets are faulty as-
(Bridge Crumbles and both Gandalf and Balrog fall)
I told you sooooooooooo…*Boom*
Aragorn: Ya know we lose more wizards that way…
Frodo: GGGAAANNNDDAAALLLFF!!!! NNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Sam: Oh give it a rest Mr Frodo he comes back in the next movie.
Frodo: Yeah but he actually knew where we were going!!
Legolas: Good point.
A Revised Version of the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Manuscript Part Three
Scene 1: Outside Moria…
Boromir: Well, what do we do now?
Aragorn: We go to Lothlorien.
Aragorn: …Look I really like those belly dancers OK? And they happen to be touring elven-refuges, and Lorien is their next stop.
Legolas: Gross dude my sister is one of them!
Aragorn: Ooh ooh ooh!! Is she Latsoleg?
Aragorn: She is HOT!!
Boromir: Mmm mmm…bellydancers-
Sam: Oh would you all stop with the drooling?? We’ve got an important mission here and Mr. Frodo can’t take it much longer!!
Aragorn: Sam…I think you’re gay.
Scene 2: Lothlorien…
Gimli: Be careful young hobbits! There is a tale of an evil elf-witch in these parts. She eats man-flesh!
Aragorn: So does Sam.
Sam: Do not!!
Gimli: AHEM!! But not to worry; …I got an elf-safety merit badge when I was a wee Dwarf Scout.
(Elves pop out from everywhere)
Haldir: Your friends are so stupid I could have strangled them with a cordless phone.
Aragorn: Haldir!! What’s up?? You touring with the bellydancers too?
Haldir: …I live here, you idiot. All my life.
Gimli: I wanna go home!!
Haldir: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Golden Wood. You cannot go back.
Pippin: Good job, Aragorn. Now we’re stuck here for the REST OF OUR LIVES!!!
Aragorn: But hey that means those bellydancers are stuck too!!
Boromir: Aragorn we’re serious.
Aragorn: -Tell Gladdie and Caleb we just wanted to stop by and check out the Elvish bellydancers and we’ll be on our way.
Haldir: Very well-
Aragorn: And we know that Dwarves may not look upon the path, so we are all willing to be blindfolded.
Legolas: What are you talking about Aragorn?
Haldir: Actually we don’t care.
Aragorn: Of course you do! Dwarves haven’t been allowed in here for like ever!
Haldir: I’m afraid you’re thinking about the books. You see, this is the movie; all small details from the books are completely disregarded! In fact, we had 217 Dwarves over here the other day for a big Superbowl Party, so there’s no tension here at all! We even have small urinals custom-made for Dwarves!
Aragorn: OK OK fine whatever let’s just go, I’m getting sick of this.
Scene 3: Somewhere Else in Lorien…
Haldir: And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for!!!! (Drum roll)
From almost the beginning of time, standing 6’2″ and 127 pounds!! Galadriel!!!(Fanfare played)
Galadriel: Thank you, thank you-am I really that fat??
Haldir: …Oh; and Celeborn.
Celeborn: YEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!(Silence) Aww c’mon I wasn’t that bad was I??
Galadriel: We welcome you to Lothlorien and support your quest. However I am extremely pessimistic about it and basically tell everyone they’re gonna die.
Galadriel: Shut up!! I am talking!! …We think blah blah blah blah(While she’s talking she stares everyone down and basically tells them they’re gonna die) blah blah blah blah blah! Do you agree?
All: Uhh…yes. No??
Scene 4: Yet Another Place in Lorien…
Boromir: Whoa that girl was freaky!
Aragorn: I bet she told me the best thing!! Nah nah nah nah nah nah!!
Legolas: She told me I was gonna die!!
Merry and Pippin: She told us we were short!!
Frodo: She said that people were going to try and ta-(menacing grin from Boromir)*gulp* she didn’t tell me anything!
Gimli: I think she digs me!! rrraarr!
Aragorn: Aww man gross that’s my girlfriend’s grandma!!
Gimli: Who cares? They’re elves!
Legolas: Hey you thought my sister was hot-
Aragorn: Well that’s another thing; grandma’s are disgusting!
Frodo: Speaking of grandma’s: Aragorn you really need another shower. It’s bothering me.
Sam: I do too. Could someone help me?
Aragorn: …Help you??
Sam: Find the showers??
Aragorn: Sam you’re gay.
Sam: Am not!!
Scene 5: Again, Lorien…
Galadriel: Psst! Frodo!
Galadriel: Follow me!
Check this thing out!
Frodo: Whoa…what is it?
Galadriel: It’s a mirror that you pour water into and it basically tells you that you’re gonna die!
Frodo: Let me see!
(Various shots of things burning and other scenes that make the audience wonder if that will happen in the future, and it basically tells Frodo he’s gonna die)
Frodo: That was scary!
Galadriel: NOT AS SCARY AS THIS!! IF I HAD THAT RING I WOULD BE A QUEEN AND RULE OVER YOU ALL BUT PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM AN ELF!!! Whew. glad I got that off my chest.
Frodo: You really are insane aren’t you?
Galadriel: That dwarf called me an elf-witch, didn’t he?
Galadriel: -You tell him I think it’s sexy.
Galadriel: Oh go back to bed you stupid crybaby.
Scene 6: And Another Place in Lorien…
Aragorn: Those bellydancers are even better the seventh time!!
Frodo: Dangit! I missed them again because I was taking a shower! How were they, Sam?
Sam: -I was watching you take a shower. (Pause) To make sure he didn’t get hurt!! Is that ok with you?!!
Aragorn: Sam…you are gay. There’s no hiding it.
Sam: Well I don’t…umm…that’s not very-
Galadriel: Hark! Here I am to make your boring lives better!
Galadriel: Since you are leaving, I’ll give you presents!
Aragorn: But that’s not in the movie! Just the books!! haHA!!
Galadriel: Yes but I’m giving them to you anyway.
Aragorn: WHY CANT I GET THIS RIGHT JUST FOR ONCE!! I’M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF!
Galadriel: Oh shut up! Sam, you take this seed, and plant it in the Shire.
Sam: Umm Ma’am, I’m not the kind of person who plants the seeds, if you follow me…
Galadriel: You mean you’re not a gardener?
Sam: Well I suppose you could say that, I enjoy the flowers, I just don’t plant the seeds.
Galadriel: I don’t understand?(shows him gift)
Sam: Ohhh! Ha ha! seed I get it! That’s a good one! Whew!
Galadriel: Meriadoc and Peregrin; you get these knives-
Merry: Meriadoc and Peregrin?
Pippin: Those are our names in the books…
Merry: Oh yeah.
Galadriel: Frodo, I give you this really bright starlight that seems of no use right now.
Frodo: Starlight?? …I may seem like a pansy, but that doesn’t mean I want starlight and flowers and ponies!! I want a sword too!
Galadriel: We ran out of swords, just take what you get and be happy!…
Ahh, dwarf. What do you want from me?
Gimli: You know what I want from you-
Galadriel: (embarassed)I mean a gift! hehe Yes a gift. What could I give to you?
Gimli: A life-sized manakin?
Galadriel: How ‘bout some of my hair?
Galadriel: And to the entire Fellowship, I give a buttload of Lembas!
Sam: Not more Lembas!!
Galadriel: You already have Lembas?
Sam: Yes, from Rivendell.
Galadriel: Oh, well our Lembas is better. Theirs is Lembas Lite. We have the good fattening Lembas! Plus our flavor is chocolate.
Sam: Chocolate Lembas!! Willikers!!
Aragorn: Sam you’re gay.
Galadriel: Now go! We don’t want this Ring longer than we have to!
Scene 7: Isengard…
Saruman: The first Uruk to catch a Hobbit gets a free mudbath!
Saruman: And no eating the Halflings!! I want them alive to have my way with…but not the way you think!! Man this script is loaded with sex jokes…
Scene 8: Lots of Uruk-Hai Running Like Crazy Screaming “MUDBATH, MUDBATH”…
Scene 9: Amon Hen…
Gimli: I can’t believe I got hair…hair! How am I supposed to have fun with hair?!
Aragorn: Gimli!…I’m trying to concentrate.
Sam: Where’s Frodo? Where’s Boromir? Where’s my chocolate Lembas?!
Scene 10: Frodo, Boromir, and the Chocolate Lembas…
Boromir: What are you doing out here?
Frodo: What are you doing out here?
Boromir: Wanting to know what you’re doing out here.
Frodo: I’m gathering firewood….for fire.
Boromir: You shouldn’t be alone, we never know if there’s anyone else around.
Frodo: Usually Sam does a good job of never leaving me alone, even when I’m sleeping, or dressing, or undressing…or showering…
Boromir: JUST GIVE ME THE STUPID RING YOU LITTLE HOBBIT!!
Frodo: Galadriel told me about you!!
Boromir: I just want to do good with it!
(Frodo falls down and puts on Ring)
Boromir: Where the heck are you? You’re taking it to Mordor! I know what you’re doing!! You will betray us all!! CURSE THE HALFLINGS!!
Frodo: I’m right behind you Boromir.
Boromir: Oh Frodo I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! Please take the Ring off!
(But he is too late; Frodo is running away DUH DUH DUUUUHHHH)
Frodo: Galadriel was right. Everyone is trying to get me! I hafta do this alone!
(He takes off the ring)
Aragorn: Hey Frodo.
Frodo: You’re going to take the Ring!!!
Aragorn: No! I’m a good guy! I’m the King!! Well…not yet.
Frodo: Well I’m leaving…alone…by myself…so tell Sam; he was always fond of me-
Aragorn: That’s because he’s gay.
Scene 11: A LOT of Awesome Fighting and Crap Because the Uruk-Hai Find Them All…
(Merry and Pippin are cornered by Uruk Hai and then Boromir comes charging in)
(An Uruk-Hai named Lurtz shoots him with and arrow, and another, and another, and then almost another if Aragorn hadn’t busted in!!)
Aragorn: You know, you’re not in the books, so I’m takin you out!!
Lurtz: That’s the cheesiest dialogue I’ve heard so far.
(Big fight; Lurtz gets beheaded, Aragorn goes to Boromir)
Aragorn: *Gasp* are you HURT?!
Boromir: No I just have three arrows piercing me, I think I’ll manage. Oh what’s the use? I’m just jealous because you could be King and I can’t. I’m sorry I called you a skank-faced bottom wiper *sniff* although, you do need another shower…
Boromir: …Yeah. Remember I am with you always: my brother, my captain…my math tutor, and my insurance agent…what do they all have in common?
Aragorn: They’re not me?
Boromir: Exactly. But you are my King…well, not yet anway.
(Merry and Pippin taken by happy Uruk’s expecting their mudbath)
Scene 12: Frodo at the Banks of the Anduin…
Frodo: I wish this ring had never come to me…I wish I never had to do this at all!
Gandalf: … Well if you didn’t have it someone else would and they’d probably think the same thing so there’s no use crying about it!
Frodo: (looks around) Gandalf?!?!
Gandalf: No, Frodo…this is just a flashback…but go on and quit crying about the Ring!
Frodo: I guess you’re right! (gets in boat and starts to paddle)
Frodo: Sam go away!
Sam: No I can’t!! I must now drown myself trying to save you!!
Frodo: (Pulls Sam out) What’s your deal, man?
Sam: Gandalf said ‘don’t you lose him Samwise Gamgee’; and I don’t mean to!
Frodo: Yes but Gandalf also said that when he smokes Old Toby little yellow woodchucks fly all around him and everyone looks like Sammy Davis Jr.
Sam: Well…I couldn’t bear to leave you!
Frodo: Sam please don’t tell me you’re gay.
Scene 13: Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn…
Legolas: Look! There’s Frodo and Sam!! …Are we not following them or something??
Aragorn: No I just don’t know how to operate a canoe.
Gimli: Then it is all useless!!
Aragorn: No; we’re following Merry and Pippin now.
Gimli: Then Let’s Hunt Some Orc!!
Lurtz’s Head: I was wrong…THAT’S the cheesiest dialogue in the film!!
Scene 14: Frodo and Sam overlooking Mordor…
Frodo: I hope the others are ok…
Sam: They’re probably dead-
Sam: Uhh I mean Strider’ll look after them.
Frodo: I’m glad you’re with me.
Sam: Does this mean!!?-
Frodo: No, Sam. It means we’re friends…and stop grabbing my butt!
Sam: As you wish.
Sam continued his studies in astrophysics and received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1982, for his cheese flavored lembas that stopped the war between the north armies because “it’s so darn good!!”.
Frodo has three children and is happily living in Las Vegas.
Boromir had a shrine built to him at Amon Hen. Ozzy Osbourne later took a whiz on it.
Aragorn became King until he lowered the legal drinking age to twelve and remained showerless for three months.
Arwen cried. And cried. And cried.
Merry and Pippin were eaten by Orcs.
Legolas was killed in a tragic soap accident.
Gimli moved into Moria and became known as “Dwarfmaster G”.
Elrond was institutionalized.
Gandalf married the Balrog and is currently living on the mountain Zirakzigil.
Galadriel and Celeborn opened up a McLembas franchise.
Haldir needs to get out more.
Bilbo became a world-famous magician and changed his name to “The great Bilboni”.
Saruman and Sauron decided evil was boring and joined a sewing circle.