Written by: Evadne
EXT. NEW ZEALAND
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON: If you don’t know who these people are, you have no business even being in the theater.
FRODO has a flashback of GANDALF’S FALL with SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES and a DIFFERENT ENDING.
FRODO: Oh, Sam. The Ring is taking me.
RING: Oh, I’m taking you, huh? Who is around whose neck here?
SAM: C’mon, Frodo. Buck up. We need to keep your adorability up.
FRODO: Thanks, Sam. Don’t get too close to me, though. The audience will get ideas.
IDIOT ADOLESCENT BOYS BEHIND ME: Heh, heh. Frodo and Sam are GAY.
FRODO AND SAM wait for GOLLUM to catch up so he can lead them to MORDOR and CONTINUOUSLY ANNOY SAM.
EXT. STILL NEW ZEALAND
PIPPIN: We’re still alive. Captured by orcs, but alive.
MERRY is UNCONSCIOUS.
PIPPIN (cont.) Well, I’m alive, anyway. I better leave a sign for Aragorn.
SEVERAL MILES AWAY:
ARAGORN: Ah, rock. How I love you.
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, what are you doing?
ARAGORN: Um…nothing. Let’s keep moving.
LEGOLAS: Come, Gimli. Until we get Merry and Pippin back, you have to be comic relief.
ARAGORN: We must provide a segue way so Saruman can explain the plot and justify the title.
INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
SARUMAN: Yes, I have joined with Sauron. Now the power of Mordor will come and make everyone roll their r’s unnecessarily.
SARUMAN talks for A WHILE, but says VERY LITTLE. Several scenes from the PREVIOUS MOVIE are shown.
SARUMAN (cont.) So to sum up: I’m going to take over Rohan.
EXT. ROHN (NEW ZEALAND)
SOME CHILDREN escape from a BURNING VILLAGE to provide some SENTIMENTALITY.
EOMER: Theoden, things are going badly, and Saruman is to blame.
THEODEN I’m sorry; I can’t hear you under these layers of pancake makeup.
GRIMA WORMTOUNGE: I have the most blatantly evil name ever, and I look like Severus Snape on crack.
EOMER: I don’t like you. I bet you work for Saruman.
GRIMA Now, what can I do to make Eomer hate me more? I know, I’ll look obviously at his sister!
EOMER gets tossed out of ROHAN.
EOMER: This is really the extent of my part. I’m kind of useless.
EXT. ALSO NEW ZEALAND
PIPPIN: Merry, do you get the feeling we’re not comic relief anymore?
MERRY: I know. We may even get character development.
PIPPIN: Hey, are those trees talking?
MERRY: Well, remember when we met Tom Bom…wait,we didn’t, did we?
ORCS threaten MERRY AND PIPPIN.
RIDERS OF ROHAN: Kill everything in sight! Don’t look! Just shoot!
THE NEXT DAY:
LEGOLAS: Red sky in the morning: sailors take warning.
AUDIENCE: Legolas, what the heck are you talking about?
ARAGORN: Hey, Eomer! What’s up?
EOMER: Grr, grr.
LEGOLAS: We lost our friends. Have you seen them?
EOMER: We probably killed them.
GIMLI: But they look nothing like orcs.
EOMER: Yeah, well. It was dark. Have some horses.
ARAGORN & CO. ride out to find MERRY and PIPPIN. It does not LOOK GOOD.
ARAGORN: Wait, I feel a flashback coming on…
EXT. FLASHBACK OF NEW ZEALAND
MERRY and PIPPIN escape. They are followed by an ORC who will obviously DIE.
TREEBEARD: Hoom. I just needed to get that out of the way. Now I never need to say it again.
TREEBEARD kills the ORC.
ORC: It’s not easy being the expendable minion.
MERRY: Thank goodness we found you, Treebeard. Now we can get the Ents on our side.
TREEBEARD: I don’t trust you. I’m very angry.
PIPPIN: You’re not supposed to be like this!
TREEBEARD: I’m going to hurt you.
LEGOLAS: Wait…my elf sense is tingling. It’s the White Wizard.
The WHITE WIZARD defeats ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI very easily.
WHITE WIZARD: You idiots. It’s me, Gandalf.
AUDIENCE THAT HAS NEVER READ THE BOOKS: Oh! I’m so happy! And so stupid!
ARAGORN: But, you’re dead!
GANDALF: I’m also hundreds of years old, but you never remark on that.
GANDALF shows ANOTHER FLASHBACK.
GANDALF (cont.) …And that’s how I defeated the Balrog. Are we all caught up now?
ARAGORN: I think we’ve had all the necessary backstory.
GANDALF: Great. Now, let’s go to Rohan.
EXT. THE DEAD MARSH
SAM: Gollum’s led us to a swamp!
AUDIENCE: Tipped off by all the water, were you, Sam?
GOLLUM: Just follow us and not the lights.
AUDIENCE: What lights? And what’s with the fires? Where are the R.O.U.S.?
FRODO gets distracted by a SHINY OBJECT.
FRODO: I just can’t keep my head on my shoulders, can I?
FRODO falls into the MARSH and GHOSTS attack him.
AUDIENCE: I will never sleep again.
GOLLUM, oddly enough, saves FRODO.
GOLLUM: Don’t follow the lights! What, am I talking to myself over here?
FRODO: Well, yes, usually.
RING: Frodo, do you think I could have a little space in this relationship?
FRODO: Gollum, you were something like a Hobbit once, right?
GOLLUM: I was a proto-Hobbit; Hobbit 1.0. But focus groups demanded more cuteness.
FRODO: Gandalf told me your name was Smeagol.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM: Gandalf told you something?
They get attacked by the DRAGON RIDERS OF MORDOR.
FRODO: Oh, no! The Black Riders are giving me flashbacks of the other movie! I think we’ve spent more of this movie in flashbacks than in present time.
SAM: Oh, Frodo. I’ll hold your hand and keep you from putting on the Ring.
RING: Because there is absolutely no way he could put me on with his other hand.
INT. ROHAN (REALLY NEW ZEALAND)
EOWYN: My brother’s gone, my king’s weak, his son is dead.
GRIMA: Score! Now I can hit on you.
EOWYN: Get away from me, you scary man.
GRIMA: Darn. Now, what do I do with my hands?
EOWYN: Hey, can I get some foreshadowing here?
The FLAG OF ROHN breaks and flies AWAY.
GANDALF ET AL. arrive in ROHAN.
HAMA: I am the loyal servant to Theoden. I can tell right from wrong. I am probably going to die.
GANDALF: I’ve come to remove Theoden’s unnecessary makeup.
SARUMAN: So, I’m just hanging around in Theoden’s body? Don’t I have better things to do?
GRIMA: And why would you need me?
SARUMAN gets EJECTED.
THEODEN: Wow, I’m actually pretty young. So, what’s been happening?
GRIMA: I…better just be going.
EXT. MORE NEW ZEALAND
GOLLUM: I’m evil.
SMEAGOL: I’m good.
AUDIENCE: You’re the same person!
GOLLUM: This is probably the most amusing moment in the movie.
SMEAGOL: I don’t want to be evil anymore.
GOLLUM gets EJECTED.
SMEAGOL (cont.) The guy who was talking to camera one is gone!
He does the HAPPY SMEAGOL MAMBO.
FRODO: You sure are happy, Smeagol.
SAM: He’s just trying to get you to like him, Frodo.
AUDIENCE: Aw, Smeagol is making Sam all jealous.
FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT LOOK.
EOWYN swings a sword around.
ARAGORN: I see you have had at least one lesson with the weapons’ coach.
EOWYN: A man who does not instantly treat me like an object! This is the man for me.
GANDALF: War is coming. We need to fight.
THEODEN: I think it’s better to take my people to a secure location.
GANDALF: It’s a trap. So, I guess I should leave you.
THEODEN and the PEOPLE OF ROHAN walk toward IMPENDING DOOM.
GIMLI: So you see, Eowyn, because we lost the Hobbits, I had to become the comic relief. So now I say embarrassing things and fall all the time.
EOWYN: Tell me you are not hitting on me. And speaking of hitting on people…Aragorn, who is the woman who gave you the large and incredibly gaudy pendant?
ARAGORN has a FLASHBACK.
ELROND: Aragorn, why are you flashing back to me?
ARWEN: I thought I was the Evenstar. Apparently, it’s the gaudy pendant, though.
EOWYN: Uh, Aragorn? Are you going to answer my question?
ARAGORN: Don’t bother me; I’m flashing back.
ARAGORN goes to sleep and DREAMS.
ARWEN: Hi, honey! I’m totally glad you decided to wash up for our dream sequence.
ARAGORN: I love your prom dress.
ARWEN: And I love you.
ARAGORN: Awwwww…I wuv you, too.
EXT. THE BLACK GATE
AUDIENCE: So why are there guards facing Mordor?
FRODO: Oookay…how did Gandalf think we were going to get into Mordor?
SAM: Frodo, I think I can…
SAM falls, attracting the attention of the SOLDIERS OF AN INDETERMINATE RACE WHO DRESS LIKE SHREDDER.
FRODO: Wow, someone is in danger and it isn’t me. I better help Sam.
FRODO throws his ELVEN CLOAK over the both of them.
SAM: I’m glad we have this moment alone.
FRODO: This is really not the time.
SOLDIERS OF AN INDETERMINATE RACE WHO DRESS LIKE SHREDDER: Huh, a rock with a pack. Go figure.
FRODO: Let’s go Sam. There is no possible way the soldiers could turn around and see us.
SMEAGOL: Are you two done? I know a better way into Mordor.
FRODO: We really don’t have another choice.
EXT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S STILL NEW ZEALAND?
HAMA: Well, everything looks fine…
ORCS ON WARGS attack.
AUDIENCE: The wolves of Isengard, huh? They look like hyenas.
EOWYN: I want to stay and fight!
THEODEN: No, you’re a girl.
LEGOLAS does the WEIRD SWING THING onto the HORSE.
AUDIENCE: …the heck was that?
RIDERS fight ORCS for A WHILE.
GIMLI: Of course, while everyone is dying very serious deaths, I have to be funny.
ARAGORN gets stuck on a WARG.
WARG: Oh, look. The edge of a cliff.
WARG runs over the CLIFF, dragging ARAGORN.
WARG (cont.) Wow, I am incredibly dumb.
THEODEN: Oh, no. We have lost a main character.
LEGOLAS: I wouldn’t worry, considering the third movie is called “The Return of the King.”
INT. FANGORN (NEW ZEALAND, INCIDENTALLY)
MERRY: …And then we met Galadriel…
TREEBEARD: Remind me to talk to her about line stealing.
ELROND: Tell me about it.
PIPPIN: I’m so glad you’re back in character Treebeard.
TREEBEARD: Well, not quite. But that’s not important right now. Let’s talk with all the Ents.
EXT. HONESTLY, NO COUNTRY HAS THE RIGHT TO BE THIS PRETTY
SAM and GOLLUM compete for FRODO’S attention.
FRODO: Do you hear a fake bird?
SAM: No, but I see giant elephants.
FARAMIR’S MEN attack the SOLDIERS OF AN INDETERMINATE RACE.
SMEAGOL: I’m out of here. I may have been cutified, but not enough to get preferential treatment.
FARAMIR: If you thought Treebeard was vaguely out of character, wait till you get a load of me.
EXT. A RIVER IN NEW ZEALAND
ARAGORN is UNCONSCIOUS.
ARWEN: C’mon, honey. Got to get up and save the day if you want to marry me.
HORSE: C’mon, Wilbur. Time to get up.
ARAGORN: I’m up; I’m up. Geez.
ARWEN: All right! My vaguely psychic powers rock!
ELROND: Arwen, I want you to leave. And, maybe pick a language and stick with it.
ARWEN: But, Daddy. My boyfriend is totally going to be king and stuff.
A MYSTERIOUS WIND starts to blow ARWEN’S HAIR around.
ELROND: This time we’re going to flash forward.
ARWEN: So, I don’t become mortal?
ELROND: I’m not too clear on that point.
ARWEN: Oh, Daddy. I’ll do what you ask.
ELROND: I am a manipulative jerk.
GALADRIEL: Hey, why am I here?
ELROND: And what are you doing in my head? Must we teleconference everything?
INT. A CAVE THAT CAN ONLY BE IN NEW ZEALAND
FARAMIR: Who gave me the personality transplant?
FRODO: We’re on a quest. We had Gandalf and Aragorn and Boromir…
FARAMIR: Boromir was my brother. He’s dead. Don’t ask how I know that.
SAM: Can’t I be alone with Frodo for one moment?
FARAMIR: Smeagol is in our Forbidden Pool. We’re going to kill him. You’ll find we have a lot of arbitrary rules in Gondor.
FRODO: Please don’t. He has an important role in this story.
FARAMIR: Well, all right. But I’m going to pump him for information.
GOLLUM: I’m back!
FARAMIR: I have somehow divined that the One Ring is involved from Gollum’s circuitous ramblings.
RING: Frodo, I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I need some space. I’d like to see other people.
SAM: Faramir, this would be the perfect opportunity to get back into character.
FARAMIR: I’m taking you to Gondor.
AUDIENCE: What?! What?! What happened to “Not if I found it on the highway”?
INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
GRIMA: Theoden might have remembered that I know just about everything he’ll do.
SARUMAN: Check out my huge CGI army.
GRIMA: Am I crying? Oh no. We’re not going to make me vaguely sympathetic, are we?
INT. HELM’S DEEP
ARAGORN: I’m still alive. But I don’t know for how much longer. You should see the CGI army Saruman has.
THEODEN: Well, we’re safe here.
ARAGORN: No, you’re not.
THEODEN: Look, I know that. But, we’re Anglo-Saxons. This means we have no hope but we’re going to fight as if we did. Just go along with it.
ARAGORN: We need to arm everyone.
THEODEN: Old men. Young boys. Able-bodied women? Nah.
ARAGORN: Eowyn was talking about the valor of women…
AUDIENCE: I guess she’s the only one who knows that those without swords can still die on them.
LEGOLAS: There’s no hope.
ARAGORN: We’ve already had this conversation. Let’s just fight the good fight and trust fate to take care of the rest.
A troop of ELVES arrive.
ARAGORN (cont.) See what I mean?
HALDIR: Elrond sent us. I don’t know how, considering I’m from Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS: Aren’t you guys supposed to be doing other things?
ARAGORN: He’s just here so someone I know will die.
INT. STILL HELM’S DEEP
HALETH, SON OF HAMA: Hey, am I a girl?
HAMA: Am I dead? Or am I the guy with Theoden? It’s so hard to tell, since all the men of Rohan look alike.
ORCS arrive and start MENACING THE HECK out of everyone.
GIMLI: Is it because I’m small and have an accent? Is that why I’m funny?
LEGOLAS: I am the only elf ever with a sense of humor.
GIMLI: Do you really think I’m doomed to be comic relief forever?
LEGOLAS: Say “At least it isn’t raining,” and if it starts to rain, we’ll know you’re comic relief.
GIMLI: At least it isn’t raining.
It starts to RAIN.
GIMLI (cont.) Darn.
OLD MAN loses his COOL and shoots an ORC.
ORCS: Well, we were just going to stand here and do our little dance for awhile longer, but I guess we’ll start the battle now.
AUDIENCE: You know, he may have shot when he wasn’t supposed to, but that old man has darn good aim.
FIGHTING goes on for QUITE AWHILE.
THEODEN: This is going pretty well, all things considered.
SUDDENLY, the AN ORC WITH A TORCH starts running toward HELM’S DEEP.
CUE: OLYMPICS THEME
AUDIENCE half expects TOM BROKAW to tell the ORC’S HEART-WARMING TALE OF OVERCOMING TRAGEDY.
OUTER WALL blows up.
THEODEN: Things are less great now.
ORCS stream into HELM’S DEEP.
ARAGORN: Okay, no one shoot me!
More FIGTING. LEGOLAS invents skateboarding.
THEODEN: I need someone to protect the gate. Aragorn, will you go and take the comic relief with you?
ARAGORN: As we are main characters, we are best suited to taking on a situation where we are outnumbered ten to one.
ARAGORN and GIMLI hold the GATE, but things only get WORSE.
THEODEN: We’re losing! Pull back.
HALDIR: Okay, the darkest hour is occurring, so I should die just about…Now.
ORC kills HALDIR. TIME slows down and everything gets an ECHO.
ARAGORN: Noooooo! My old friend is dying! This is truly the darkest hour.
FARAMIR: Go tell my father that I’ve completely changed the plot.
FRODO: You shouldn’t have brought me here. The Dragon Riders of Mordor are coming. You can tell by the echo my voice has picked up.
WRAITH: Okay, I know the Ring is here somewhere…This only being able to see shadows thing is darn inconvenient sometimes.
RING: It’s great to see you guys again. Angmar, is that you? You all dress alike. You should get nametags or something.
INT. FANGORN (TREES OF NEW ZEALAND UNITE)
TREEBEARD: The Ents have decided not to do anything.
MERRY gives TREEBEARD the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT LOOK.
MERRY: This is not the way the plot is supposed to go!
PIPPIN: Why don’t we walk near Isengard? Ha! I’m so clever.
TREEBEARD: Look at all the destruction Saruman has wrought! I knew Saruman no longer cared for nature, and that there was continuous smoke from Isengard, and that the orcs were destroying trees, but I never suspected.
PIPPIN: So…what did you think was going on, then?
TREEBEARD: The Ents will join the battle now.
OTHER ENTS: Good thing we were all in the neighborhood. We walk real slow for creatures with such long legs.
INT. GLITTERING CAVES
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON: Quick! Throw some sparkles on the wall!
THEODEN: This is the end. Time to despair.
ARAGORN: What? You’re Anglo-Saxons. Now is the time you ride to your deaths.
THEODEN: Right. I’d forgotten that. Let’s go, then.
ARAGORN: Fate will pick up the slack. She always does.
THEODEN gives an INSPIRING SPEECH to no one in particular.
THEODEN and ARAGORN ride out and kill as many ORCS as possible before they are killed.
GANDALF: Hi, everyone! I’m back. And I brought Eomer and 2,000 more men.
AUDIENCE: So, now it’s 2,300 to 10,000? Yes, that will tip the odds in your favor.
GANDALF: Epic, isn’t it?
EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
TREEBEARD and ENTS destroy ISENGARD.
SOMEWHERE, a model of a DAM is destroyed.
MERRY: Well, this part of the story is back on track.
PIPPIN: I wonder how Frodo’s doing?
SAM saves FRODO from the DRAGON RIDER OF MORDOR.
WRAITH: Well, I don’t see anything, so I guess I’ll just move on. Could have sworn I felt the Ring, though.
FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT LOOK.
SAM: Frodo, don’t you love me anymore?
SAM gives an INSPIRING SPEECH as shots of the CAST overcoming their VARIOUS PROBLEMS are shown.
AUDIENCE: Ah, this must be the end of the movie.
FARAMIR: Not quite, but it has convinced me to get back into character. Frodo, I don’t want the Ring and you can go.
SOME GUY: You’re father will kill you for this.
AUDIENCE: For letting people who haven’t done anything go?
FARAMIR: I told you Gondor had weird rules.
FRODO and SAM leave and have a MOMENT.
AUDIENCE: Will you two just kiss and get it over with?
GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: We’re evil again. Let’s plot for the next movie…
SAURON: I really haven’t done anything all movie. Some villain, huh?
RABID RINGNUTS: The movie does not end here!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON: It does now.