TTT: Puppet Theater

 

The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents:

Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers

“Scared Little Newborn Ponies”

 

 

Galadriel:
Previously on ‘Lord of the Rings’…
Gandalf:
Dang, it feels like we’ve been falling for a year.
Balrog:
That’s because we have been. Time to wake up, Frodo!
Frodo:
Believe it or not, I think I’m even angstier than before.
Ring:
Tell me honestly…do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Gollum:
I don’t care how fat you are, I still want you!
Sam:
Forget the greased pig-catching contest back home, this guy’s impossible!
Gollum:
Pity Smeagol, He’s bald, wrinkly, and I sound like Donald Duck with pneumonia!
Frodo:
Aww…he’s so cute, even if he is hideous. Or something…
Sam:
Don’t touch what’s mine!
Gollum:
Sheesh, even Smeagol’s disturbed…

~ LOTR ~

Pippin:
Hey Mr. Uruk-Hai, can we have a piggyback ride?
Merry:
Maybe if we find a pool we can play Chicken!
Gimli:
Since when did all the comic relief get transferred to me?
Aragorn:
Oh look, they left us a Lothlorien brooch to mark their trail! Of course,we’re already following their trail…
Legolas:
Look, we’re trying to stick to the book, here. Most of the time, anyway.
Gimli:
Three of us here, all with superb fighting skills and vast amounts of weaponry,with thousands of mindless enemies to slaughter…it’s the perfectset-up for a video game!
Saruman:
Hey, wild men! Go slaughter all the Rohirrim.
WildMan:

Um…why?

Saruman:
‘Cause their horses crap on my lawn. If I had a lawn, that is.
WildMan:

Woohoo, an excuse for mindless destruction!

Mother:
I’m being self-sacrificing. Save us, my symbolic children!
Eothin:
But I don’t have my license yet…

~ LOTR ~

Eowyn:
Theoden! The orcs are attacking! Do something!
Theoden:
…..
Eomer:
Theoden! The orcs are attacking! Get off your fat lazy butt and do something!
Theoden:
…..
Wormtongue:
I will take your silence to mean your nephew should be banished. Begone,rugged one!

~ LOTR ~

Uruk-Hai:
Dude, I’m wasted, and there aren’t any Sizzlers around.
Orc:
I’m really craving Kentucky Fried Hobbit.
Merry:
I’m really craving getting the heck outta here.
Eomer:
I’m pissed because I was banished. So I’m going to take it out on you creeps!
Pippin:
Sit, horsie! Stay! Heel!

~ LOTR ~

Legolas:
Someone’s coming…time to be stealthy.
Aragorn:
Yo, Rohirrim! Whassup?
Eomer:
I’m still pissed. All that slaughtering didn’t do a thing for me.
Aragorn:
Have you seen these hobbits?
Eomer:
No, but we just slaughtered a buttload of orcs. Who were they with?
Aragorn:
A buttload of orcs.
Eomer:
Whoops, my bad. I know! We’ll give you two horses. Just pretend they’rehobbits.
Legolas:
Dibs on the white one!
Aragorn:
Wow…it’s one of those rare moments where I’m actually phazed by something.
Gimli:
I think my futility levels just skyrocketed.
Aragorn:
No wait! With my mad tracking skillz, I can determine that they actuallyran into the very abrupt forest.
Pippin:
Niiiice transition from present time to flashback.
Orc:
In Fangorn, no one can hear you scream. AAIIIIEEEE!!!
Treebeard:
Hmm, you look like hobbits, smell like hobbits, feel like hobbits and soundlike hobbits. You must be orcs!
Pippin:
Oh no! We’ve been given to the white wizard…what a cliffhanger.
Merry:
Unless you’ve read the books, so you of course know it’s actually Gandalf.
Fans:
Curse you, spoiler-filled trailers!

~ LOTR ~

Frodo:
My feet hurt. I’m tired. I’m hungry. And this ring weighs a ton.
Gollum:
Hey, remember those festering, stinking marshlands Gimli mentioned? Theseare them.
Sam:
Um…can someone please explain how a swamp can be on fire?
Gollum:
Whatever you do, don’t look at the lights.
Frodo:
Okay. Ooooh, pretty lights! SPLOOSH.
PeterJackson:

Cover your eyes, kiddies, these ghosts have no pupils.

Frodo:
Gollum, you saved me!
Gollum:
Only ’cause you’re the one with the Precious, DUH.
Sam:
*GLAREGLAREGLOWERSCORN*
BlackRider:

Forget horses, this is the only way to travel!

Gollum:
THEY DON’T DIE!!
Fans:
Heck, just get Aragorn with a torch and you get a perfect score.

~ LOTR ~

Legolas:
The forest is pissed. And you know what happens when you piss off the forest…
Orc:
*Glurg…*
Gandalf:
SHAZAM!
Aragorn:
Hey, you think you could turn down your symbolism? My eyes are hurting.
Gandalf:
I fought and fought and died and came back to life and there was lots ofreligious symbolism…
Legolas:
I see you’ve discovered the appeal of shininess, Gandalf.
Gandalf:
Who’s Gandalf? Me? Oh! Riiiiiight…
Shadowfax:
WOOSH. Worship me, horse lovers!
Gandalf:
This is Shadowfax. Isn’t it nice how he goes with my outfit?

~ LOTR ~

Gollum:
Oh look! It’s the Black Gate. Can we leave now?
Guards:
OOH-EE-OH. YOOH-TOM! OOH-EE-OH. SAUR-ON!
Sam:
I’ll just go up and ring the doorbell. Whoopsie-dasies!
Gollum:
Sam has not learned the value of not being seen.
Frodo:
Luckily, I have my +2/+2 Elven Cloak of Invisibility!
Sam:
Gee, that was close. Let’s try that again!
Gollum:
Hold on, Smeagol knows a “safer” way. Really.
Frodo:
Wow, that pitiful puppy-dog-eyes look is completely convincing. I’ll followyou over a cliff.
Sam:
*GLARESNARLGLAREGLOWER*

~ LOTR ~

Wormtongue:
Aww, that’s too bad about the prince. Would you like to make sweet loveuntil dawn?
Eowyn:
#@$% yourself! And for godsakes, wash your hair before you even think ofhitting on me again.
Eowyn:
I’m sorry, Theoden…but your son has passed away.
Theoden:
…..
Eowyn:
Theoden? Helloooo? Remember your son? Cute blond kid? No longer breathin’?!
Theoden:
…..
Guard:
Please remove your jackets, keys and any dangerous weapons you might becarrying.
Aragorn:
They’ve stepped up security everywhere, haven’t they?
Gandalf:
Touch the staff and I call the AARP.
Theoden:
…*CROAK*.
Wormtongue:
Um, you’re stepping on my face.
Gandalf:
By the holy power vested in me, I command you, Brother Theoden…BE HEALED!
Saruman:
Curses…does anybody have a band-aid?
Theoden:
Wow, that worked better than Viagra.
Eowyn:
I thought youlooked a little shabby for 45; I just didn’t want to say anything.
Wormtongue:
Don’t send me away!
Theoden:
Go away!
Wormtongue:
Hooray for reverse psychology.
Eowyn:
Hey, remember what I said about your son being dead? He still is.
Gandalf:
Join the ranks of the angst-ridden, my friend.
Eothin:
Woohoo, we made it to Edoras! THUD.
Aragorn:
See all the suffering children? It means you have to fight the mindlesshordes of orcs.
Theoden:
Well, I say we run like scared little newborn ponies for the nearest Helm’sDeep.
Gandalf:
If you need me, I’ll be off preparing to save your butts in the grand finale.
Eowyn:
You’re hot, sweaty and you have a sword. Let’s fight.
Aragorn:
Don’t worry, Eowyn. I’m sure no cage can contain your raging hormones.

~ LOTR ~

Sam:
Mr. Frodo, your eyes have been rolling a lot more than is natural.
Frodo:
That’s very interesting. Oooh, pretty ring…
Gollum:
Through camera tricks and superb animation, I can have the ultimate conversationwith myself!
Gollum:
And I lost…
Fans:
Don’t his eyes hurt dialating back and forth like that?
Gollum:
Shh, be vewry vewry quiet…I’ve been hunting wabbits!
Sam:
I’d like to see ‘Iron Chef’ top this!
Gollum:
Pardon Smeagol while he goes and barfs in a bush.
Oliphaunt:
Look at us! We’re just like elephants, only a lot bigger.
Faramir:
Recognize me? You shouldn’t, ’cause I’m way hotterthan my brother.

~ LOTR ~

Gimli:
I hate horses.
Eowyn:
And as with most comedic moments, we’re immediately followed by somethingangsty or thematic.
Aragorn:
Arwen, you’re dang hot, but I think this whole war and death and doom thingmight make our relationship difficult.
Elrond:
No daughter of mine willbe going out with some shiftless mortal!
Arwen:
I hate you, daddy! I’m going to go to my room and waste away pathetically.
Aragorn:
…And that’s the story of my love life.
Eowyn:
So…you’re available, then?
Fans:
No way, we called him first!
Legolas:
Heads up, we’re being attacked by orcs on wolf-panther-hyena-type thingies.
Warg:
Dogpile on Gimli!
Theoden:
Oh no! Aragorn died by being pulled over the cliff.
Aragorn:
I absolutely REFUSE to die so cheaply!
Fans:
Besides, it’s not in the book…
Eowyn:
So few rugged hotties have returned…speaking of, where’s my nearly-availablerugged hottie?
Theoden:
He fell. Literally.
Legolas:
Quit your sniveling; we’d have to completely change the title of the thirdmovie if he actually died

~ LOTR ~

Wormtongue:
We’re screwed, your wizardliness. Ooh, what happens if I stick a candlein this black powder?
Saruman:
We’re not screwed, we’ve got a frickin’ huge army.
Wormtongue:
Where?…Oh, you mean that frickin’huge army.
Merry:
Look, it’s Isengard. I bet they’re amassing a frickin’ huge army.
Treebeard:
I bet they are. But I still don’t give a tree’s roots about it.
Aragorn:
It’s a good thing I’m a floater.
Arwen:
Time for mouth to mouth…in more ways than one!
Brego:
Lookit me, I’m Arwen! Come on, Aragorn, give me some smoochies.
Aragorn:
Eh…no. Just spray some Windex on it.
Fans:
Even the horses get more action than we do…

~ LOTR ~

Arwen:
*MOPEMOPEWHINECOMPLAIN*
Elrond:
Don’t worry daughter, there are plenty of other hot rugged future kingsin the sea.
Arwen:
*Sniff*…But all of my friends are here!
Elrond:
You’ll make new friends at the nice little elven suburbia we’re movingto. So get in the moving boat, young lady!
Galadriel:
And now, an update from last time. We’re still doomed. Gasp, horrors andshock.

~ LOTR ~

Faramir:
After hours of careful calculation, I have determined that you are orcspies.
Sam:
Jeez, do hobbits just have ‘Orc Spies’ written on their foreheads or something?!
Frodo:
Hey, maybe you’ve heard of the Fellowship? We’re with them. Actually, we are them.
Faramir:
Oh. And is that sick-looking thing in the loincloth part of the Fellowship,too?
Frodo:
Darn Gandalf’s inspirational little speech about not killing things! Iguess I have to save him.
Gollum:
I demand to speak to my lawyer!
Faramir:
Well hey, the Ring of Power! That’d make a great Father’s Day present.
Frodo:
I feel so used.

~ LOTR ~

Aragorn:
Look everyone, I’m back!
Legolas:
Well that’s just dandy, worryin’ Gimli and me to death. Go upstairs andtalk to the king!
PeterJackson:

Let’s make sure and put in as many shots of the chibis as possible; we

have to make this utterly poignant.

Aragorn:
So…what’s your battle strategy?
Theoden:
If it’s male and breathing, give it a sword.
Legolas:
That’s it, we’re screwed. Hopelessly doomed.
Aragorn:
Then I shall die with them! …Whoops, was I not supposed to say that lastpart in English?
Theoden:
Time for an inspirational fatalist monologue! Shakespeare, eat your heartout.
Haldir:
Unlike Elrond, we actually give a care about the world. Plus, you guyshave like no archers.
Theoden:
That’s very sweet. But still, no one will come to our aid.
Uruk-Hai:
Okay men, stomp and make lots of noise until some half-blind geezer accidentallyshoots and gives us an excuse to slaughter ’em!
Uruk-Hai:
Not that we needed an excuse, of course.
Elves:
ZINGZINGSHOOTKILL
Uruk-Hai:
SHOOTMAIMKILLSNORT
Theoden:
It’s okay…we’ll be fine as long as they don’t breach the wall.
Helm’sDeep:

BOOM.

Aragorn:
Um, I think they just breached the wall.
Haldir:
*GURGLE, DIES*
Fans:
Bad form, Peter Jackson! Bad form!

~ LOTR ~

Pippin:
I am so stinkin’ bored.
Treebeard:
Well then, I’m sure you’ll be glad to know that all of that waiting wasfor nothing.
Merry:
Yeah suuuure, we’ll go home. Just let us swing by Isengard for snacks.*Wink wink.*
Treebeard:
I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues. And the trees say, “SmashSaruman to a bloody pulp!”
Pippin:
Now this is what I call eco-terrorism!

~ LOTR ~

Faramir:
We’re being attacked by orcs too, and there’s a lot more holes in our wall.
Sam:
We hate to say, “We told you so!!”
Gollum:
Pardom Smeagol while he finds a corner to whimper in.
Frodo:
Whoop, my eyes are rolling again. Something scary is coming.
Aragorn:
I have an idea. Gimli and I will cause a distraction…
Theoden:
…Which gives us the chance to run like scared little newborn ponies!
Aragorn:
That’s not what I had in mind.
TheOmnipotent Author of the Puppet Show:

Who needs puppet show parodies when you have the whole ‘Toss me’ conversation?

Theoden:
SLAUGHTER ME!
Eomer:
Hey, remember me? I’ve got the shiny on my side.
Gandalf:
Fear me and my unbelievably brilliant backlighting!
Uruk-Hai:
If only Saruman had equipped us with sunglasses…
Wormtongue:
Uh master, the trees are attacking…
Saruman:
Pfpfpfpfpfpft, pull the other…AAGH! The trees are attacking!
Treebeard:
Heck, I could get used to this whole mass murder and destruction thing.

~ LOTR ~

BlackRider:

Can Mr. Frodo come out to play?

Frodo:
PLEASE KILL ME.
Sam:
Noo! I can’t live if you’re gone!
Frodo:
You can’t live with my sword in your throat, either.
Faramir:
Man, that whole going suicidal and killing your special friends thing isa real turn-off. Keep your stupid ring.
Sam:
Oh boy oh joy, I get to do a scene-spanning thematic monologue!
Gandalf:
Look, we won!
Theoden:
What a quinkydink, so did we!
Treebeard:
And so did we!
Aragorn:
Even though all the odds were against us. Gee, who woulda guessed.
Sam:
Stories are cool! Let’s make blatant references to ourselves.
Frodo:
I’m sorry I nearly stabbed your throat out, Sam. You’re still my specialfriend.
Sam:
*BLUSH BLUSH*
Gollum:
Uck, Smeagol feels sick. Maybe if Smeagol leaves the audience with disturbinglycryptic foreshadowing, Smeagol will feel better.
Fans:
Must…resist…urge…to…kill…Peter…Jackson…
PeterJackson:

If I get stuck with all the technical Oscars again, I’ll be

the one doing the killing…

By Jerry the Frog Productions

Also see:

The Fellowship of the Ring – “Foreboding Drum Music”

The Return of the King – “Superglued Myself to a Flaming Bowling Ball”