The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 10

The Tattler
Issue 10
Tipsy Took!!!

by Hond Bracegirdle, Shire correspondent

It seems our favorite ‘It comes in pints?’ hobbit, Peregrin Took has increased his ale consumption to a point where his family and friends have had to step in. His close friends; Merry Brandybuck, Sam Gamgee and Frodo Baggins have reportedly been worried sick over their friend’s self-destructive behavior since the return journey from their adventures down south.

Pippin has become a permanent fixture at a popular local ale house, the Green Dragon. “Yeah, good old Pip’s here every time I come in,” said one Green Dragon patron. “The barkeep told me he comes in every day right at opening time and he don’t leave under his own power.” “It’s gotten to the point,” said another regular, “that Merry Brandybuck keeps a wheelbarrow out back to haul ‘im home come closin’ time every night.”

Like most hobbits, the young Took has always had a thirst for a good ale. A close family friend spoke to the Tattler, telling how he has been shocked at how badly Pippin’s drinking has gotten out of hand.

“The other Adventurers thought it was just a passing thing,” the friend said. “They thought it was an after effect of all the fightin’ and adventurin’ they’d been doin’…but time’s passed an Pippin is still drinkin like a fish.”

Apparently Pippin’s loved ones came together to confront him tough-love style in a gathering which lasted into the wee hours of the morning. Another source admitted that Pippin was very shaken by the encounter. He reportedly agreed to go to Frodo’s secluded little house in Crickethollow with Merry Brandybuck and Fredegar Bolger to dry out for a few weeks. After that it’s said he’ll start attending the local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in Tookland.

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Public Notice

Real Estate to be sold for back taxes: Dol-Guldur

Prime real estate located in southern Mirkwood Forest. The property includes an extensive castle complex. Roomy, with everything, from towers to a combination of finished and unfinished subterranean dungeons. The Fortress is situated on Wizard’s Hill, overlooking wetlands and forest hills. Excellent evil creature hunting nearby. Fixer-upper, has not been maintained for many years, but is structurally sound.

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Continued Poverty in Mordor

By Tarik Indabar

The War of the Ring is a memory. The forces of King Elessar and his coalition partners won a decisive victory over the Dark Lord Sauron. The destruction of the Ring of Power By Frodo of the Nine Fingers and his faithful servant Samwise Gamgee was of course, the key to the victory of the allies.

Since the overthrow of the Dark Lord Sauron, life for the residents of Mordor has not improved as had been expected. The orcs no longer have any work, and are demanding Gondor provide food and housing or at least bring in factories and heavy industry to provide gainful employment.

“Gondor better do somethin right quick!” said the orc Karnak. “I’m afraid ter let the young’uns out ter play ‘cause we’ve et six kids from our apartment complex this week. An the last ‘un was awful stringy an way too salty.”

King Elessar is currently looking into setting up an interim government to bring order to the region until a more permanent political system can be established. Ideally, the orcs would eventually govern themselves, but Gondorian officials have expressed strong doubts as to the feasibility of this plan.

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Museum’s Mistake

By Finwat

The Rivendell Museum conducted an extensive internal investigation following the recent arrest of Boromir, heir of the Steward of Gondor.

Lord Boromir was supposedly caught by museum personnel breaking an exhibit while touring the museum. He was taken into custody and charged with vandalism and attempted theft. The Steward-to-be was released after he posted bail, but warned to remain in the area.

While the results of the internal investigations remain confidential, the Tattler has learned the bungling truth! Investigation by the museum curator working with local law enforcement officers has reportedly revealed the exhibit the future Steward of Gondor was accused of breaking was in fact Narsil, the (already) Broken sword of Islidur! Questioning of the security personel has brought to light evidence revealing the guards were sleeping on the job! The reported ‘loud crash’ heard by the guards was actually a pile of books which were pushed off the desk by one of the snoozing un-security officers! Lord Boromir, according to the security video, spun around upon hearing the noise and bumped into the exhibit which tipped over, spilling the shards, some of which caught on his cloak.

The embarrassed museum has dropped all charges against Lord Boromir, and offered a public apology to the Gondorian noble. It has also removed the erring employees from security duty, reportedly reassigning them to lawn maintenance.

 

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Ask Rosie

Featuring Rosie Cotton-Gamgee

Q. My teenage daughter has started shaving her beard and wearing dresses. Should I be worried about this? Khalad Bronzeax, Erid Mithrin

A. I wouldn’t be too worried about this behavior. Most young people go through a time of experimentation with their looks. She will soon discover wearing dresses while working in the mine is just not practical. As far as her beard is concerned, I’m sure she’ll soon tire of shaving six times a day, and the cost of electrolysis on her face alone would be prohibitive for a young person.

Q.My son is 63 years old, and is still not able to stay dry at night. Do you think this may be due to some deep seated emotional problem? Elphiriel, Mithlond

A. While 63 is a little on the old side for an elf youngster to still be having trouble with bed wetting, it is not outside of the normal age range. If your are providing him with a good home life and there are no other delays in his development such as trouble with braiding his hair, or singing for 48 hours straight, I wouldn’t be too troubled by this delay. If he is still wetting at night, I would recommend mentioning this to his pediatrician on his next scheduled check up just to rule out the possibility of any physical cause. Of course I am assuming that this is an elf lad experiencing this problem. If you are of a mortal race, however, I would seek immediate psychological counseling.

—— Special Weather Statement ——

Spring has brought a particularly active storm season upon Middle Earth this year. The present hurricane, Sauron, has proved to be an extremely destructive storm and was upgraded from a tropical storm yesterday when its wind speed exceeded 74 miles per hour. The warm water of the Bay of Belfalas will continue to fuel the hurricane, whose wind speeds are expected to reach 120 to 150 miles per hour by the time it reaches the coast. Forecasters are predicting landfall to occur within the next 72 hours. At present, the storm track is showing the storm’s eye to pass over Tolfalas, and then make landfall at the mouth of the Anduin, with the Eye of Sauron traveling well up the Great River, focusing on Osgiliath and Minas Tirith before losing much of its strength.

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Saruman the Dirty

by Phalban Pucin

The Enedwaith Environmental Protection Agency has levied a hefty fine on the wizard Saruman the White, owner of Orthanc Industries for discharging polluted waste water into the river Isen. The EEPA began to receive complaints of contaminated water from downstream communities several years ago, but did not begin to investigate the accusations until they began receiving mutated amphibians and fish in the mail from fed up citizens.

Nan Curunir, or Wizard’s Vale, is the site of Orthanc Industries and is located near the source of the Isen in the southern end of the Misty Mountains. Orthanc, which began to expand its industrial operations around T. A. 2953 includes extensive foundry and metal working facilities, producing armor and weapons along with massive amounts of pollutants.

Downstream residents report a dramatic increase in the number of mutant amphibians and fish caught in the river and an unpleasant smell and taste to the water. Frogs with as many as 7 legs and 4 eyes have been caught along the banks of the river, and fishermen tell of catching fish with a variety of deformities including open sores, extra or missing eyes and fins, and fish with huge gaping mouths filled with jagged teeth.

EEPA officials were only able to inspect part of the area due to the danger posed by the employees. Even without a full site inspection, the inspectors found piles of slag dumped near the Isen where they were clearly leaching chemicals into the water. Six pipes which were pouring raw waste directly into the Isen were also discovered in the site investigation.

In addition to the initial fine, the EEPA is assessing a heavy daily fine until the area is cleaned up.

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In compliance with court order 337-2994 pursuant to the case Legolas vs. The Middle Earth Tattler, the Tattler issues the following retraction: In the article titled Legolas Figleaf, Prince Legolas Greenleaf was said to have solicited a dwarf and subsequently been arrested. The elf arrested was not Prince Legolas Greenleaf of the Mirkwood realm, but a wandering elf, one Logesal. The Tattler sincerely regrets the emotional pain and embarrassment this mistake has caused.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org