The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 13

The Tattler
Issue 13
Picnic Panic!

By Tunga Tuca-Ran

The 24th annual Peace Picnic was the scene of yet another attack by the renegade dwarf band roaming through out north central Middle Earth.

The Peace Picnic, co-sponsored by “Wargs Against War” and “Goblins for the Greater Good”, took place at Pine Ridge, a part of the Eastern Misty Mountain National Park System.

The ruffians had hidden in the pine trees surrounding the picnic area and remained quiet until the sing-along began. “I’d like to Teach the World to Sing” was being sung in rounds when burning missiles began to rain down on the picnickers along with massive amounts of verbal abuse.

“They called us nancy little wussies, along with other things I don’t wish to repeat,” said Ulgob, President of Goblins for Good. “They said we were worse than elves and three or four of the little ones kept mooning us something fierce….it was awful! That taller bloke kept picking his nose and flinging the boogers at us. When they hit, they would stick like glue and burst into flame,” Ulgob continued. “Many of my people were completely traumatized by the whole thing, and I myself plan on getting some counseling as soon as I can get into my therapist.”

Local fire officials commended several picnickers who braved the evil dwarves to put out fires which sprang up around the clearing and most certainly saved the forest from a devastating fire. “They were pretty gutsy for a pack of peace lovers,” said Fire Chief Lobsot. I don’t normally have much to do with weenie dogs and pansy orcs, but these folks did a right good job of saving the trees.”

Events took and unexpected turn when giant birds, identified as northern great eagles, swooped down to the treetops and made off with the hoodlums. Authorities are investigating what connection the eagles may have with the dwarves. While it is possible the eagles were in league with the gang, it is equally likely the eagles saw the tree climbers as a quick snack.

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The Curious Case of the Con-artist King

The crack investigative staff at the Middle Earth Tattler has uncovered some shocking information on the man who would be High King of Gondor. It seems that hopeful King, Elessar has spent much of his long life in questionable business dealings.

King-to-be Elessar brings with him a string of names, which is not too unusual for persons of royal heritage, however, examination of area law enforcement files has unearthed some very interesting things about the man who hides behind all those names. In this first of a two part series, The Tattler reveals some of the deceptions allegedly perpetrated by the man who seeks the throne.

According to police records, a man known as Estel-which is one of the names claimed by Aragorn- bilked several residents of the Edoras area out of hundreds of gold pieces each through a scam involving a so called ‘special conditioning formula’ horse feed supplement. This ‘special formula’ was touted as being able to improve a horse’s endurance and speed over long distances. Laboratory testing showed the supplement contained large amounts of Rohan Red mixed with grain. Rohan Red, which is an illegal stimulant, is an addicting substance in horses as well as humans, and the horses were quite irritable and ill as they went through withdrawal.

Another time one “Thorongil”-another pseudonym of Aragorn- was accused of running a phony charity. This charity, “Rangers’ Widows Fund” was allegedly for the support and relief of the spouses and families of Rangers who died in the line of duty. It is not known how many were taken in by this door-to-door scam, though there were reports of “Thorongil” and company working in scattered locations including Bree-Land, Emyn Beraid and the Lake Nenuian area.

Aragorn also allegedly masterminded a more complex scheme where letters were sent to various town councils asking for their help. According to the text of the letter, he was the son of a “Lost King” who could not access his family’s bank accounts in his home country without alerting the usurping ruler of his existence. By using the town’s bank account numbers, he claimed he could transfer the family money safely out of his home country. He then promised a generous payment to the town from the money he transferred. Two separate towns took him up on his offer, thinking to ease their town’s financial troubles only to find their bank accounts emptied of what little funds they had.

Be sure to pick up the Middle Earth Tattler next time for part two of: The Curious Case of the Con-artist King.

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Valarscope

Manwe: The winds of change are blowing, look for a sudden opportunity at work from an unexpected direction. Storm clouds are looming in a valued friendship, take cover until the weather clears. A long-winded relative will give good advice, listen closely. A cold front moves in on romance, but the climate will become positively steamy once it passes.

Ulmo: The relationship that means so much to you is all washed up. The tide has turned and you must look elsewhere for happiness. Do not believe the fish story a coworker tells you, they are babbling a stream of nonsense. A current of unrest sweeps you away from the shores of happiness and into the deep sea of despair. Tread water until you see a golden opportunity, grab onto it with both hands.

Aule: You will be wrought up over a crafty story. Forge an alliance at work for your mutual benefit and profit. Do not trust a financial advisor, their words are false and contrived. Your love life will heat up, create an atmosphere to encourage artistic expression of the love you share.

Orome: Hunt up and old friend and renew the relationship. Track your expenses, your money will be trying to slip through your fingers. Love is stalking you, do not avoid it when the arrow hits its mark. An enemy will prey on someone you love, be wary for they will come after you next

Mandos: You will feel like death warmed over after an argument with a close friend. Repair the breach in your friendship before its too late. You will be unfairly blamed for a mistake that will put your career at death’s door. Revive your secret dream, it is close to becoming reality.

Varda: Your starry-eyed enthusiasm will get you in trouble, things are much more complicated than they seem. You are in the dark about important matters, you must seek enlightenment from your most trusted friend. There is a glimmer in the darkness of your finances, hang on until riches come your way.

Yavanna: You work with a bad apple, they will spoil the whole barrel for you. A fruitcake will come to you with wild ideas, be prepared to turn them down. Expect sour grapes when you fix someone else’s problem, your help will not be appreciated. Riches are coming to you, finances will soon be peachy.

Nienna: A tender hearted person will comfort you, do not mope too long over your disappointment. Trust your feelings in a conversation with a relative, they are not being completely honest with you. A financial setback will make you weep, but it must come to pass so prepare yourself. Your loved one will be feeling blue, your ability to sympathize with them will be appreciated.

Lorien: Don’t mow down a wild idea that comes your way, it will bloom into a golden opportunity. The weeds of worry threaten to crowd out the fun in your life, dig deep to root out what is bothering you. Reap the rewards of your hard work when you are recognized for your efforts at work. A new relationship will grow slowly, do not expect too much too soon.

Tulkas: You will be in a tussle with a family member. The bickering is annoying to others and the truth will be revealed without your help. A rival at work will be defeated by your skillful wrangling, do not engage in open warfare against them. Contest the decision with regards to you finances, the conclusion is not correct.

Este: You need a mental house cleaning. Get rid of the cobwebs and dust of unhealthy thought patterns. Reevaluate you friendships, it’s time for a change there, too. Work may become a chore, but keeping things tidy will help everything run smoothly. A stranger will come to you and try to sweep you off your feet, do not fall for it.

Vaire: Do not become entangled in a new relationship at this time. Work at weaving together the different aspects of your life, you are too segmented. Prosperity is looming on the horizon, keep a sharp eye on it, but beware of a yarn someone is telling you. Your financial story will have many ups and downs, do not worry, you will have a happy ending.

Vana: Love is blooming do not let it wilt due to your lack of attention. An old hen you know has been spreading gossip, resist the urge to retaliate or you will end up with egg on your face. Your boss will twitter with indecision, the confidence you show now will be richly rewarded. You can ruin someone with your words, don’t utter a peep about them. Take care of your health, you will droop and fade if you are not very careful.

Nessa: A trusted friend is dancing around the truth, ask direct questions. Love will come waltzing into your life but it will waltz back out of the door all too soon. You must do a quick step at work to keep up with the demands on your time. Avoid putting your foot in your mouth, you could ruin a chance for wealth to come your way.

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Obituaries

Saruman the White

(a.k.a. Saruman of Many Colors

Sharkey

Saruman the Slightly Ecru

Sharku)

? to T. A. 3019

A memorial service will be held on Tuesday the 14th

at 11:00 a.m. in the Rivendell West Assembly Hall

with a lunch following in the dining area. Memorials

may be made to the Middle Earth Institute for the

Advancement of Genetic Theory.

Saruman is preceded in death by his brother wizard

Gandalf the Grey, and is survived by brother wizards

Gandalf the White and Radagast the Brown, while the

whereabouts of two other brother wizards remains unknown.

Saruman was co-founder and a past president of the

Sarn Gebir Whitewater Rafting Club, and had received

the “Order of the Icy Bum” from the Misty Mountain

Mountaineers for reaching the summits of Carn Dum,

Caradhras and Methedras.

Saruman was a leader in Middle Earth’s intellectual

community, serving as chairman of the White Counsel

and Dean of the School of Industrial and Technological

Development at the University of Dunland. Saruman

was also a regular contributor to Dulin- the quarterly

journal of Middle Earth poetry and was a noted expert on

the butterflies of Middle Earth, and on the breeding of

wargs.

While Saruman had many patents to his name, perhaps

his most well known creation was the removable

fingernails he invented and marketed under the name

of C.Lee Press-On Nails.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org