The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 14

The Tattler
Issue 14
The Curious Case of the Con-artist King

Part Two

In part one of our series, the Tattler posed some serious questions concerning the names claimed by Aragorn, who aspires to the High Kingship of the realm of Gondor. In part two, the Tattler continues to present our findings on some of the many names of Aragorn.

In the West March area, someone using the name Envinyatar, sold time shares in “vacation condos” on the coast of the Gulf of Lune. Glossy paintings showing beautiful beachside homes lured unsuspecting citizens into paying their hard earned money for the use of these ‘dream homes’. But when share holders arrived at the supposed paradise in Harlond, they found themselves in a nightmare, facing a series of rundown fishing huts falling into the bay, and Envinyatar and their money long gone.

The promise of improved health was the draw in another scam perpetrated by one Telcontar in the town of Dale. Telcontar advertised a product called Blue Elf Stuff as a remedy for aches and pains. Many elderly persons bought the Blue Elf Stuff after being lured in by testimonials in the advertising touting Blue Elf Stuff as a sure cure for their troubles. The Attorney General for the Long Lake region planned to press charges for fraud on this Telcontar after receiving several complaints and lab reports indicating the Blue Elf Stuff contained mainly aloe vera gel mixed with athelas extract. Aloe vera gel is used as a skin softener and while athelas is sometimes used as an air freshener, it has never been shown to have any pain relieving properties. A warrant was issued for the arrest of Telcontar but could not be served as he had apparently skipped town.

A Wingfoot posed as an investment advisor to the residents of Dunland. “Wingfoot Advisors Ltd. ” particularly pushed investment the development of pipe weed plantations in the Shire, claiming an investment in the initial development would be certain to yield a large return. The so called expert said he had inside information that hobbit land speculators were buying up vast quantities of land in the Marish area which was known to produce prime pipe weed. Dunland investors became suspicious of the project when their dividend payments were delayed several times and began investigating the venture more closely. Obtaining survey maps of the Shire, the Dunland investors found the “highly prized Marish land” in which they invested was in actuality a part of the Overbourn Marshes, a swampy region of the Shire which is in fact worthless as farm land. The investors scheduled a meeting with Wingfoot but found he had been true to his name and had disappeared without a trace.

The Tattler strongly advises Steward Faramir and the rest of the Gondorian governmental officials to thoroughly investigate this candidate for the throne. Does this man have the kind of character one wants in their king???

 

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Council of Elrond, October 25th

by Miliorion

 

The meeting was opened with a short blank verse poem recited by Glorfindel. The minutes of the previous meeting were read and approved.

 

Treasurer Figwit reported an increase in income for the last quarter due to the increased income from the raise in the hotel/motel tax. Figwit also noted there has been no drop in business which had been a concern of the local businessmen. All Rivendell accounts are current, and the budget is in the black, but expenses will be rising once the renovations to the Hall of Fire are begun. The Finance committee is currently looking into increasing the fees at the health club and pool to offset the rise in insurance premiums. The committee is also investigating switching insurance carriers to reduce insurance costs.

 

Erestor, chairman of the Facilities Committee, reported the plans for the renovation of the Hall of Fire were complete. The architect and contractor were confident the modifications to the ceiling and chimney would prevent a repeat of the incident last spring where a bird’s nest had blocked the outlet and caused the hall to be evacuated and several people to be treated for smoke inhalation at Rivendell University Hospital.

 

Facilities also announced a change in policy at the swimming pool. All swimmers are now required to thoroughly shower before entering the pool and to secure all long hair. There had been an incident with the dwarf delegation at the pool and the pool filters and pump had to be completely replaced, resulting in the pool being shut down for several days while the repairs and cleaning were completed.

 

Council Chairman Elrond reported on meeting he had with delegations from the Mirkwood and Lothlorian communities. They discussed ways of increasing security on the roads to the Grey Havens as there has been a steady increase in reports of ruffians accosting travelers in recent years. The Wandering Companies were also discussed, methods of keeping track of the wanders and incentives to encourage them to register their travels.

 

Old business consisted of a continued discussion of the location of a new fountain and it’s impact on the local flora and fauna. A location near the health club was rejected due to the presence of an important ant colony and a particularly nice maple seedling. Three more possible locations were put forth, and the facilities committee will conduct environmental impact studies with the results being presented at the next meeting.

 

New business included the announcement of the finding of the One Ring of Sauron and the appointment of a fellowship to achieve the destruction of the Ring.

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Victims Saved From Cracks of Doom

by Bazrâ Azar

Officials at the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith announced today the recovery of several soldiers who were struck by a mysterious malady during the Battle of Pelanor Fields. The victims, found on the walls of the city, were paralyzed in the positions in which they fell and had expressions of disgust and revulsion on their frozen faces.

The best healers in Gondor had been completely unsuccessful in their attempts at treating the victims of the mysterious malady and were beginning to lose hope. Although he had great success healing victims of the Black Breath, even the ranger king of the north was unable to effect a cure until a Valar blessed clue came his way.

It was the chance remark of an old nurse overheard by Aragorn that was the key to the cure. Ioreth, an elderly hospital worker, had been regaling her co-workers with a risqué story concerning the origin of the name of the easternmost city of Gondor. The city, now called Minas Morgul, had gone by the nickname of Minas Ithil (Tower of the Moon) while the city had still been controlled by Gondor. Traditionally, the graduating class of Ithilien High School would troop up to the top of the Tower of Ithil and greet their rivals, the Osgiliath Rebels, before the big football game by displaying their rear quarters over the side of the tower.

Elessar, mindful of the enemy’s habit of twisting things to evil, surmised the victims had seen the “cracks of doom” as the ring wraiths flew their winged beasts past the city wall. While Elessar did not permit any witnesses and would not be specific as to how he was able to effect a cure for the victims of this black magic, the healers we spoke with (who asked to remain anonymous) feel he must have shown the victims something to counteract the curse-possibly another “full moon”.

 

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Saruman and His Technicolor Dream Coat

 

Andruil Lothron Wedmath’s latest musical extravaganza, Saruman and His Technicolor Dream Coat, has swept Middle Earth like a wraith on wings!

Tom Bombadil plays the lead role of Saruman, an Istari gone bad, in this enchanting riches-to-rags story. Said Bombadil from his backstage dressing room in the Lonely Mountain Dinner Theatre;

“Hey Mister writer-boy,

bingy bangy bonnor,

acting in a show like this,

is really quite an honor.”

 

The elf Figwit plays Saruman’s bumbling sidekick, Grima Wormtongue. The role is a radical departure from previous roles for Figwit, who received critical acclaim for his recent portrayal of Feanor in the dramatic production Looking East.

“I don’t want to be stereotyped by dramatic roles,” said Figwit. “Playing the comic relief is quite different from what I expected and a nice change of pace for me. The role requires me to be constantly on the alert lest my performance be overblown on the one hand, or too sparing on the other.”

The Uruk-hai lieutenant is played by the hobbit Jolly Cotton. This surprise casting choice-which stunned many theater insiders-has proved to be a stroke of genius. To the astonishment of many, Jolly Cotton portrays the brutal lieutenant to perfection, capturing his sadistic nature brilliantly. “I don’t know why every’un is makin’ such a fuss.” said Jolly, “I jus’ think on ol’ Ted Sandyman down at th’ mill. He was always a right nasty one.”

Glorfindel composed an exceptionally brilliant score for the show, combining solo numbers, ensemble pieces and beautiful instrumental interludes. He credits a recent personal tragedy for the inspiration behind the score.

“My beloved horse, Asfaloth has been stolen by some vile villain,” said a heartbroken Glorfindel. “I channeled the grief, anger and despair of my personal life into my work.” The depth of Glorfindel’s emotions shine through in his work. The uruk-hai’s rousing rendition of Workin’ for a Livin’ receives standing ovations, and Saruman’s ballad, I am Spiffy continues to bring audiences to tears.

The choreographers, Fili and Kili created enchanting dance sequences for the performers. Along with numbers for the primary characters, these masterful dwarves have done an amazing job of choreographing dances for the orcs. Convincing the orcs to perform with top hats and canes without murdering each other is a an achievement unparalleled in the history of Middle Earth theater.

 

Saruman and His Technicolor Dream Coat is a show that has something for everyone. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, it is a show that will move you deeply.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org