The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 15

The Tattler
Issue 15
Eagle Eye Spotted in No Fly Zone

METO (the Middle Earth Treaty Organization) had received a second complaint in 6 months against Lord Gwaihir and the Sovereign Eagle Empire for invasion of another nation’s airspace, violating a no-fly-zone, theft of military intelligence and/or abduction of political prisoners.

The first alleged incident occurred 18 Sept. 3018 T. A. over the Enlightened Republic of Isengard. According to the allegations brought before the Security Council by ERI diplomat Barad Douroff, an eagle, suspected to be Lord Gwaihir himself, flew into Isengard airspace and snatched a dangerous political prisoner; Gandalf the Grey. Grey is suspected of being the mastermind of a terrorist network operating throughout Eregion and was being held for questioning by the ERI security bureau.

The second complaint against the eagles came recently from the Socially Liberated and United Mordor States. The representative of SLUM Lord Sauron stated that on the afternoon of 23 March 3019 T. A. three eagles-one of whom was bearing a rider- were observed in SLUM airspace speeding toward the Orodruin Nuclear Facility. Several minutes later, the eagles were again observed flying away from the facility, this time all bearing burdens. The flights of the eagles occurred in the midst of the battle between SLUM regulars and an invading army and were thought to have been an attempt to sabotage the SLUM infrastructure.

There was, in fact, a large explosion at the Orodruin Nuclear Facility which completely disrupted communications between SLUM commanders and battlefield personnel. It is generally held that this disruption was the deciding factor in the defeat of the SLUM army, and the SLUM representative to METO demanded reparations from SEE and the surrender of the eagles and persons involved for prosecution in a SLUM court of law.

When questioned about these allegations, the SEE spokeseagle stated, “We would welcome delegations from these countries to come to our realm to discuss these allegations. It’s been a long time since we have had the opportunity to hold festivities with the fresh meat delivered right to our door.”

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Sandyman Arrested

Ted Sandyman(54), resident of the Hobbiton metro area was arrested by local sheriffs late Thursday night and charged with stalking Miss Rosie Cotton(37) of rural Bywater. Miss Cotton, who works as a server at the Green Dragon Lounge in Bywater has previously existing order of protection against Sandyman. The manager of the Green Dragon, Bucca Gorham , confirmed that Mr. Sandyman has been banned from the Green Dragon for lewd and harassing behavior toward the staff, which includes Miss Cotton.

Sheriffs were alerted to Sandyman’s presence on the Cotton farm by Miss Cotton’s brother, Jolly, who was home after an extremely successful tour of the hugely popular musical; Saruman and His Technicolor Dream Coat. Upon arrival at the Cotton property, sheriffs found a scratched and bleeding Sandyman precariously perched in a tree, the farm’s dogs snapping at his heels.

Sandyman is currently being held without bail in the Bywater jail pending an appearance before Justice Ponto Puddifoot for sentencing.

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7th Annual Minion Conference

Dec. 17th
Sammath Naur Convention Center

Keynote Speaker, Mouth of Sauron will be giving a two part presentation at 9:00a.m. and 7:00p.m. Finding the Balance: Sucking up to #1 While Intimidating Underlings.

Seminar topics:

The Art of Groveling

Skulking for Fun and Profit

Staying #2:Undermining your competition

Escapes and Bolt Holes: covering your assets

The Teflon Minion: Making sure the blame doesn’t stick

Being a Mole: destabilizing the enemy

The Perfect Weasel: Taking credit for the work of others

Harboring Ambition: Giving the illusion of support while undermining the chief

Preparedness: creative blackmail solutions

Retirement Options: embezzlement, fraud and graft

 

**No lunch provided** (If you trust others to cook for you, you are not minion material.)

 

 Sam Gamgee Answers Your Cooking Questions

Q. Even in an air-tight container my lembas gets stale very quickly. How can I store it to keep it fresh? Arabella P., Dale

A. Well Arabella, to properly store lembas you should wrap the freshly baked cakes in mallorn leaves as soon as they cool. Mallorn leaves can be difficult to come by outside of Lorien, but may be ordered through Last Homely House Home Products, #4 Elvish Way, Lothlorien V9W 2G8 Or visit their website www.elvinhomesandgardens.com

Q. My family thinks my rabbit stew is boring. How can I make a stew that they will enjoy? Ponto R., Bree

A. I don’t like to brag, but rabbit stew is something of s specialty of mine. I have found even thin and scrawny coneys can produce an exceptional stew with the right root vegetables and seasoning; the key is to get a pleasing balance of flavors. The freshest possible water is a good beginning to your stew, 1 to 1-1/2 quart per coney. Red Cored Chantenay carrots are my personal favorite in a rabbit stew, I use 1 per rabbit, cut into roughly 1/2 inch rounds. I would also highly recommend Red Norland potatoes for your stew, 3 per coney unpeeled and cut into 1-1/2 inch cubes. I find White Cobbler taters lack the depth of flavor, and a Russet tater is just completely unacceptable.

 

The foundation seasoning for the stew is salt-precisely 3/4 teaspoons per coney, a dash more if it is a large rabbit. There are three herbs that are essential in a rabbit stew; bay leaf, thyme and sage. Use 1/2 bay leaf (fresh or dried), 5 sprigs fresh thyme (1 teaspoon dried), and 1 sage leaf(fresh or dried) for every coney to be stewed. It is important to add the salt and herbs to the rabbit before the broth comes to a boil, and add the root vegetables after a boil is reached.

 

After it comes to a boil, allow the stew to simmer gently uncovered for 4 hours, stirring every 15 minutes and adding a bit of water as needed.

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Trashed Trotters Annoy Army

By Guthwine Grimslade

Riddermark Police have issued an All Points Bulletin for Gandalf the Grey (a.k.a. Gandalf Greyham, a.k.a. Gandalf Stormcrow, a.k.a. Mithrandir) who is wanted for questioning in connection with the events which occured in Edoras in the early hours of Wednesday last.

The Riders of Rohan awoke at dawn on Wednesday morning to find their stables vandalized, their horses defaced and the Mearas Shadowfax missing. Rude sayings were scrawled across the stable walls; but the most distressing vandalism was to the horses themselves. Along with insulting, outrageous and disparaging remarks across the horses’ hindquarters the horses were also “made up” with eyeshadow, lipstick and blush on their faces, nail polish on their hooves and their manes and tails permed and colored.

Gamling, Theoden King’s First Assistant in charge of Eoreds had this to say:”We strongly believe Gandalf Greyham had some part to play in these dastardly deeds. We all knew he was highly upset he didn’t recieve more orders at the home party he held in Meduseld for his line of ‘White Wizard Cosmetics’ and skin care products. But really, I don’t know what Eowen was thingking, to invite him for a home party here. She knows Grima, the King’s Personal Wellnes Consultant, prefers the ‘Colors of Orthanc’ line of products.”

Other sources who wished to remain anonymous were more forthcoming with details of the vandalism. “They wrote ‘Mearass’ right across the rump of Theoden’s horse Snowmane and painted his hooves a shocking pink. ‘Theodred rides like a GIRL’ was painted all down the outside of the stables as was ‘Eomer is NOT a natural Blonde’. Several of the horses had ‘Bearded Woman Rider’ written on them and some of them had tightly permed or poorly colored manes and tails and badly applied eyeshadow, blush and lipstick covering their faces.”

Riddermark police ask the general public to contact them with any information on the whereabouts of Gandalf. He is believed to be riding the stolen Mearas, Shadowfax, and should not be approached as he is believed to be armed with more lipstick.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org