The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 4

The Tattler
Issue 4
Deflated Wind Lord
by Brindor TirionionRumors have been on the wind for many years in Middle Earth concerning the Eagle King, Gwainhir, and his many favors to the wizard Gandalf. It is widely known that the eagles bear no great love for those on two-legs, and are often aloof and uninterested in their affairs. There has always been speculation as to why the Great Eagle has seem so eager to save the wizard’s bacon, but now the Tattler can bring to light the shocking truth!

According to Misty Mountain General Hospital records one Rubenstir the red hawk was admitted to the facility several years ago for a tail lifting procedure with, ‘Doctor’ Gandalf as the attending physician for this hushed up outpatient procedure. Interestingly enough, the date of the ‘procedure’ just happens to fall in line with the time of Gwainhir’s so called poision wound. The Tattler wonders how ‘Doctor’ Gandalf managed to make house calls on the Wind Lord and attend his patient at Misty Mountain General.

Experts in avian culture confirm the necessity of a straight tail position by the male in eagle mating rituals but not in any other avian species! The conclusion is drawn that Gwainhir couldn’t ‘do the dance’ in the air for the ladies! One can only imagine the embarrassment of a condition like this on the ruler of a proud race such as the eagles. Avian authorities believe the eagles would not accept a ruler who was obviously lacking in masculine ability, thus the need for the secret procedure. The Top Eyrie refused to comment, and in fact the spokesbird drove reporters from the mountain with beak and claw.

Terror in the Shire!!!

by Kali Tacangie

The good citizens of the Shire, in an area stretching from Hobbiton to Buckland were recently subjected to a terrifying infiltration of hostile aliens. Eye witnesses describe the creatures as huge hideous figures robed in black. The aliens were riding vehicles which had the approximate outline of large black demon horses with glowing red eyes.

Frodo Baggins; late of Bag End, Hobbiton appears to have been the object of the aliens’ search. The aliens invaded Hobbiton, looking for Mr. Baggins and terrorized the neighbors, roughing up Gaffer Gamgee of Bag Shot Row, who was the former gardener of Bag End.

Mr. Baggins had, in fact, left Hobbiton earlier in the day, completing his move out of Hobbiton and back to his relatives in Buckland. Neighbors were shocked to recently learn Mr. Baggins had sold the Bag End residence to the Sackville-Bagginses, relatives of his father’s with whom there has been a strained relationship for many years. Some wonder if Mr. Baggins actually knew the aliens were after him and sold Bag End to the Sackville-Bagginses as a way to harass them further.

Farmer Maggot of the Marish was also accosted on his own farm by the aliens in their search for Baggins. “They was lookin’ fer Mr. Frodo, even offerin’ ter give me gold if I told ’em where ‘e was at. I told ’em there weren’t no Baggins ’round these parts and to take a hike and git off o’ my property or I’d give ’em the business end o’ my pitchfork.”

Days later, Mr. Baggins’ small rural Crickethollow home was the scene of yet more terror. It appears Frodo and an unknown number of companions had fled into the Old Forest a few days before the grotesque aliens swooped down upon the house. Fredegar Bolger, who had been left behind to give the illusion of Mr. Baggins’ presence in Buckland, raised the alarm and alerted the area of the alien invasion. He had snuck out of the house in the night and run through the garden and fields to a nearby farm blowing the Horn-call of Buckland. The occupants of the farmhouse found him in a deranged trance, raving about cruel experiments and denying any knowledge of the Middle Earth military.

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Middle Earth Express

 

When it absolutely positively has to be there within a year


The Codes of Westmarch

by Kal Zinarbuzag

First in a special two part series!!

Armanal Tanal Professor of Mathematics at the University of Western Beleriand has announced his discovery of a hidden code system embedded in the text of the Red Book of Westmarch. By subjecting the text to statistical analysis Tanal has uncovered messages from the authors, which he says, ‘jump right off the page.”

Of the authors who contributed to the Red Book, it appears only two of them, Bilbo and Frodo Baggins, used the code. The coded messages are thought to express the authors’ personal feelings toward the people, places and events they recorded.

Professor Tanal admitted his surprise at the messages revealed in the Red Book. The two authors did not mince words expressing themselves, and their opinions were often not complementary.

Professor Tanal gave the Tattler a sneak peek at his forthcoming book ‘The Hidden Codes of the Red Book of Westmarch’ which is scheduled to be released early next month.

Of his journey to Erebor with the dwarf leader, Thorin Oakenshield and his company, Bilbo has this to say of the dwarves:

Thorin’s fashion sense was totally lacking.

Balin was a good fellow-but told very naughty jokes.

Bombor was a fat whining git.

Of Gandalf, Bilbo said he was a practical joker, his snores kept everyone awake and he was always picking his nose. Threw flaming boogers at the wargs.

Rivendell and Elrond drew these comments:The accommodations were pleasant. Rooms were clean and beds soft. Swimming pool needed a good cleaning. Elrond’s hairline defiantly receding, must be why he’s always wearing a little crown thingy. Purple certainly not his color.

The Misty Mountains:Orcs swapped dirty jokes with Balin. Found secret alien underground base. Some sort of drug addict was security officer. Got him high on pipe weed, then took a look around while he was out of it. Took a piece off one of the machines they were fixing.

Beorn: Nice smile, but had bear breath.

Elf King:Threw great parties. Hot elf chicks dancing for him. His son very pretty in a girly sort of way.

Hear from Bilbo’s nephew Frodo in the second part of the series, next issue.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org