The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 5

The Tattler
Issue 5
More Codes of Westmarch

by Kal Zinarbuzag

The conclusion of the two part series, The Codes of Westmarch…

In his upcoming book The Hidden Codes of the Red Book of Westmarch, professor Arnamal Tanal reveals the hidden messages authors Bilbo and Frodo Baggins embedded in their writing. Yesterday, the Tattler excerpted portions of the hidden messages written by author Bilbo Baggins. Today, we turn to the portions written by Bilbo’s nephew, Frodo Baggins, concerning his adventures.

Here are just a few of Frodo’s astonishing comments on the members of that historic fellowship and their travels while seeking the destruction of that awesomely evil object, the One Ring.

The hobbits were the leaders of the party. The others were quite useless, except for Legolas.

Gimli kept wanting the elf to ‘style’ his beard. Pouted the whole time.

Boromir amazingly good cook. Wanted to open his own restaurant in Minas Tirith but feared father would not approve.

Gandalf continuously read romance novels. We couldn’t figure out where he kept his supply. Picked nose, whined all through Moria.

Aragorn very timid. Kept talking flowers with Sam. Wanted to be a gardener.

Legolas very practical. Good head on his shoulders for blonde elf.

Tom Bombadil and Goldberry obviously major druggies. Beads hanging in every doorway. The place reeked of incense. Suspect marijuana in the brownies.

Bree very well kept, charming town. Aragorn kept the hobbits awake all night crying about Black Riders.

The journey to Rivendell was a nightmare. Had to watch Aragorn all the time or he’d get lost. At Weathertop, Witch King wanted to borrow a match. Aragorn flipped out, ran past W.K. and knocked him into me. Got cut which got infected.

Met Glorfindel and rode to Rivendell. Arwen in hot pursuit.

Rivendell a nice facility. Uncle Bilbo getting very weird. Still thinks he has ring. Kept trying to sneak the she-elves locker room at health club.

Elrond neurotic about receding hairline. Drank like fish.

Council big joke. Hobbits knew what needed to be done. Gandalf read book under the table. Elrond and Glorfindel whispered and giggled, didn’t pay any attention.

Moria good fixer-upper. Aragorn screamed like girl at orcs.

Lorien decor quite tacky. Black velvet paintings of Valinor.

Galadriel always had hair up in rollers. Wore housecoat and slippers the whole time. Spent all day watching ‘daytime dramas’ in mirror.

At Rauros Falls, the hobbits had to split up. Went to Mordor with Sam, left Merry and Pippin to keep an eye on the others.

Gollum a cult member. Wore a bed sheet and carried a tambourine. Sold flowers and told us to “beeelieeevvvveeee in yourself.”

Mordor like a theme park, had a large rodent as mascot. Stood in lines forever. Food very expensive; hamburger 25 g. p. It’s a Small Middle Earth After All kept playing over and over, drove me crazy. Had to get on some sort of ride (Outer Space Mountain?)to ditch the ring.

Professor Armanal Tanal’s book, The Hidden Codes of the Red Book Westmarch, which includes many more hidden messages revealed, will be on sale April 1st.

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Middle Earth Watchers ALERT:

Information wanted concerning the person or persons who severely defaced and vandalized an ancient Gondorian statue located at the Itilien Cross Roads of the Morgul and Southward roads.

The statue of the king has been badly chipped and cracked, the head has been completely removed and replaced with a rock rudely hewn into a grotesque, leering, deformed face. There have also been many obscenities carved and spray-painted over the statue and it’s pedestal.

Middle Earth Watchers will pay for any information leading to the arrest and conviction of the culprits of this crime.

Contact Middle Earth Watchers at 555-GET PAID

We don’t want your name, we want your information.


Astounding Predictions of Noldordamus

by Lilyrose Chubb

Once again a prediction of the ancient mystic Noldordamus has come to pass. The extensive writings of the seer have been found to contain amazingly accurate predictions for every Age. Writing his predictions early in the First Age, Noldordamus recorded the visions which he said came to him from beyond the Encircling Seas.

Scholars have labored over the writings of Noldordamus in every Age and still continue to discover additional accurate prophecies. The portion of Noldordamus’ prophecies pertaining to the War of the Ring translates as follows:

Roses are dead,

Violets are too.

Jewelry is trouble,

and someone says “Boo!”

The sage wrote many hundreds of prophecies spanning the Ages of Middle Earth. The relative proximity of the text concerning the War of the Ring to the text referring to the imminent return of Iluvatar leads many scholars to conclude the return of Iluvatar is soon to occur. This is the translation of Noldordamus’ text :

Here come de judge,

Here come de judge.

Y’all straighten up cause

here come de judge.

These two portions of text are separated by only a few lines of text translated as follows:

Piggy-wiggly,

Nonny-nay.

Short men laugh,

And fall in hay.

 

Eggs are yummy,

See my feet.

Cut my toenails,

Birdies tweet.

 

Sand in shoes,

Shirt and pants.

Sand fleas make me

cuss and dance.

 

Scholars are still working on the meaning of this section of the text.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org