The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 7

The Tattler
Issue 7
Middle Earth Watchers ALERT:

Minas Tirith: Information is currently being sought concerning the vandalization of the 7th circle wall of Minas Tirith. Residents awoke Wednesday morning to the shockingly rude and vulgar scrawlings covering the wall of our fair city. Prominent in the center of the graffiti is a large evil eye. The eye appears to be crossed, though it is not certain how this was done considering there is only one eye. Citizens in the area report the presence in the area of a tall old man wearing white and carrying a staff. This man is being sought for questioning but at this time is not considered a suspect.

Contact Middle Earth Watchers at:555-GET-PAID

Remember, we don’t want your name, we want your information.

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Horny Hobbit

by Rian

Bilbo Baggins, that much loved and respected hobbit is beginning to slip. Bilbo, who is famous for finding the fabled One Ring of Sauron, has been allowed to live in Rivendell as a token of gratitude for his part in thwarting the Dark Lord and so medical experts can monitor him for lingering effects from his prolonged possession of the One Ring. Additionally, Rivendell University Hospital is known for its geriatrics unit enabling the elderly hobbit to receive the best care in Middle Earth.

Elven psychologists have been concerned that possession of the evil artifact would have a lasting effect on Bilbo. It seems their fears have been justified. The lingering effects of the Ring combined with Bilbo’ s advanced age are taking their toll on the ancient hobbit. Bilbo has had increasing periods of mental confusion and delusions. The other residents of Rivendell all love the old hobbit, and his decreasing grip on reality is not seen as a reason for irritation. “We’ve just taken some measures to protect Bilbo and insure the privacy of the others who live here,” said one senior administrator.

Bilbo’ s size has made the needed changes very simple. Moving the door knobs up two feet, putting screens on the lower portions of the windows, building doors to sections off areas of the facility and fencing in areas of the grounds have been sufficient to keep Bilbo safe and curtail his antics.

Apparently, old Bilbo sometime believes he is still in possession of the One Ring, which was able to render him invisible while he wore it. He’s been a frequent intruder in the lady’s bathing rooms, and the changing room at the swimming pool, and orderlies have repeatedly had to shoo Bilbo away from the windows of some female residents.

“The ladies have all been very gracious,” said Facilities Manager Glonelfin. “Everyone thinks Bilbo is a sweetheart, and, I mean, what kind of a threat could a little old guy like him be?”

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Weather Woes Come Out in the Wash

by Tigerlily Knotwise

The city of Minas Tirith awoke to what appeared to be a freak snow storm earlier this week. As residents began to dig out from under several inches of white, it quickly became apparent that it wasn’t snow but soap suds covering the city! “I thought it was awfully warm for a snow,” one man related. “As soon as I stuck my shovel into the stuff I knew it warn’t no snow.”

As the clean up continued, officials were busy investigating the source of the foam and quickly located its origin as the fountain in the seventh circle high atop the city. Vandals had added a large quantities of soap to the fountain which, with the strong winds through out the night, produced the spectacular sudsy layer.

Several empty White Wizard Laundry Soap containers were found near the fountain. White Wizard spokesman, Gandalf the White, who has been suspected in previous pranks within the city, has been sought for questioning in the incident as he has been in the city visiting the King and Queen.

In spite of the grumbling of the men, many women saw a positive side to the soapy froth. “The buildings and streets look better than I’ve ever seen them,” said one. “And just look at my youngsters after playing in the suds! I want to know what brand of soap they used, it sure works good!”



a Middle Earth Tattler Exclusive

The Tattler has uncovered a very private secret of that dwarf of renowned, Gimli, one of the Nine Companions who’s desperate journey led to the final downfall of the Dark Lord Sauron. Not long after these great deeds, Gimli founded and is master of the dwarf settlement located in the Glittering Caverns at Helms Deep on the southeast edge of Rohan.

By his own account, Gimli’s childhood in Erid Luin was a happy one. However, a search of the public records at the Erid Luin courthouse and the local newspapers stored in the Erid Luin Public library has found no birth record for one Gimli-son-of-Gloin. The search does reveal a birth record for a Gimliah, whose parents are listed as Gloin and Zarka in 2879 T.A. (which is the exact same year Gimli claims as his birth year!!)

It is true that the private lives of dwarves are a mystery to other races. To outsiders, dwarf males and females are indistinguishable as both have full beards, deep voices and are short and stocky in stature. In fact, a group of dwarves overheard at a pub in Dale reveals the differences can be hard for dwarves themselves to identify.

Dr.Edhelraen, head of the surgical department at Forlond Hospital and specialist in reconstructive and cosmetic surgery admits that a sex change operation for a dwarf would be relatively easy. “The plumbing is really the only thing you’d have to change for a gender alteration in a dwarf as the secondary sexual characteristics of male and female dwarves are virtually identical,” he commented. “A dwarf would have a minimal hospital stay. It could probably be done as an out-patient procedure. Considering the hardy constitution of an average dwarf, I expect they would be able to resume normal activities in less than two weeks.”

Discreet questioning by our crack investigative staff in Erid Luin and the Lonely Mountain kingdom has allowed the Tattler to piece together an account of the conversion of an unhappy, tormented Gimliah to Gimli. Early in the year 3018 T.A. a messenger from the Dark Lord came to the Lonely Mountain asking Dain for information about a ‘little ring’. The king and his advisors began to wonder if, as much as they hated the idea, they should go to Imladris to get council from Elrond. After a second visit from Sauron’s messenger, a date was set for the trip to Rivendell. Suddenly Gimliah informed her family of an urgent errand she had to do west of Mirkwood. She would then meet up with the envoy to the elves on the feet of the Misty Mountains and continue on with them to Imladris.

Gimliah’s trail led to Galadden Fields Sanctuary, a small exclusive private hospital located northeast of Lothlorien. The Tattler requested admissions records but was denied citing patient confidentiality. A staffer who spoke to us on the condition they would remain anonymous confirmed the presence of a dwarf at about the time frame in question. The source remembered this incident since dwarves are not the usual clientele of the facility. The hospital is well known as the place to go for elves wanting a lift or tuck to improve appearances.

The new improved Gimli did indeed meet up with the dwarven envoy to Rivendell. Members of the group have since confided to their friends that Gimli-ah’s own father Gloin didn’t notice the change until Gimli-ah took him aside just outside of Rivendell to break the news. Gloin was heartbroken, but swore the whole party to secrecy so they wouldn’t “air their dirty laundry” in front of the elves.

Of course in Rivendell Gimli joined the Fellowship, a move seen by the other dwarves as a transparent attempt to get away from his/her father. After the heroic deeds Gimli performed as part of the Fellowship and in the War of the Ring the dwarves have just had to grit their teeth and accept Gimli as a national hero. There is however a lingering impression of Gimli as an odd duck to the dwarves. “Sure he’s a hero and all….even if he used to be a she…but this obsession with elves he’s got…now that’s unnatural,” commented a customer at the popular Leaky Boat Inn located in Laketown.


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