The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 8

The Tattler
Issue 8
ShieldBabes Bombshell

Tongues are wagging throughout Gondor over the latest issue of ShieldBabes magazine. ShieldBabes, an outrageous skin mag. is known for it’s display of a variety of fighting styles, all portrayed by nearly bare babes in fine form. A Tattler investigation has uncovered the facts of the ‘spread’ the Lady Eowen (wife of the Steward of Gondor and Prince of Ithilien, Lord Faramir) did for the magazine fifteen years ago, long before the Prince Faramir had laid eyes on the stunning shield maiden of Rohan .

Sources at Meduseld, the royal palace in Edoras, remember Eowen as a somewhat rebellious youth. While devoted to her uncle, the young maiden was headstrong and wanted to do things her own way. The palace staff would often see young Eowen practicing war crafts with her brother Eomer and cousin, the late Theodred when she should have been attending her household duties.

“She’s always been handy with the steel,” commented Sword Master Halwan. “Maybe it wasn’t the most fitting pastime for a young lady, but she was determined to use a sword. The King and I agreed she’d better learn sword play right so she wouldn’t hurt herself on accident. She turned into quite a good little fighter too, She’d whup up on the boys pretty regular.”

Though in time Eowen took over the running of the king’s household, it remained clear that her heart was untamed. “I remember some sort of row between her and the King at about that time,” said one source close to the royals. “I didn’t find out at the time why Theoden was so angry with Eowen but I do remember a large amount of gold was withdrawn from the treasury.”

Was this hush money? The Tattler thinks it was. The racy photos were certainly never released before now. It is speculated that ShieldBabes withheld the photos from print for a price, but evidently someone in the editorial staff kept copies.

When the mag. hit the newsstands, close friends went to Eowen to warn her of the exploding bombshell. It is reported that a tearful Eowen went to her husband to with a copy of the mag. wanting to break the news herself. Prince Faramir was reportedly not all that surprised by his wife’s confession. “He’s known from the first of her rebellious youth and strong willed nature,” said a close friend of the Prince. “I think after he got over the shock he kind of liked what he saw. You have to admit, even after seven kids, she’s still got a figure that could knock you down…if she didn’t knock you down with her fighting skills,” continued the source. The Prince reportedly told her to: “hold her head high and be proud of her natural assets.”

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Public Record

GONDOR: The Dark Lord Sauron has been cited for housing dangerous animals (orcs, trolls, fell beasts and a giant spider) on his property. Sauron had denied all charges. He claims they are just playful pets. “They’re all sweet and gentle. Take Shelob for example, she wouldn’t hurt a fly…except if she was going to eat it.” said the Dark Lord. “As long as people don’t act in a threatening manner- such as defending their families or property, my pets are harmless. It’s the neighbors fault for not knowing how to act around them.” Three separate attempts have been made to serve the summons but no trace has been found of the serving officers. The authorities are continuing to ask for volunteers to serve the summons.

BREE: Ferny -vs.- Gamgee. Ferny is seeking damages for harassment, slander, mental pain and suffering, loss of wages and payment of all medical expenses related to a dispute which included verbal abuse and the throwing of fruit.

RIVENDELL: Boromir, man of the south was arrested for vandalism and attempted theft. The suspect was observed in a display of the Rivendell Museum handling one of the precious heirlooms on exhibit. Security personnel heard a crash and upon coming into the exhibit area saw a man apparently picking up pieces of a broken sword and stuffing them into his cloak pockets. He was taken into custody, charged, released on bond, and warned to remain in the Rivendell area pending trial.

 

Middle Earth Watchers ALERT:

Middle Earth Watchers is asking for your help in catching the person or persons responsible for the theft of a white elven horse from the Southeast Stables in Rivendell. Asfaloth, a highly trained member of the Rivendell Search and Rescue Squad, was taken the evening of October 15th or in the early hours of the 16th. The theft prevented his owner, Glorfindel from participating in an important search and rescue operation.

Middle Earth Watchers will pay for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the perpetrator of this crime.

Call Middle Earth Watchers at:555-GET-PAID

We don’t want your name, we want your information.

 

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Entish to Westron Dictionary of Words Commonly Spoken in Conversations Between Ents, or Between an Ent and Someone Else or By People Who Want to Know What Something Would Sound Like if it was Translated into Entish LTD

1200 volume set. 1,000 pages in each volume.

First volume: Aaaaaaaaa-aaa to Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaa-aaaaaaa

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A new volume will be released every decade(which is ten years and that isn’t very long at all for an ent) until the set is complete. (This is pretty hasty work for ents, and some think it may not be as complete as it could be due to the slap-dash approach of publishing it so quickly. Others, however, feel that it will not be useful for short-time elves and such to slow the work down for the sake of completeness as they (elves and men and dwarfs and anyone else who would be interested in this kind of translation work) would be all gone before we could get the dictionary even half finished and that would make the whole thing just a pointless waste of time, but we do have plenty of time on our hands.)

This dictionary is essential in the proper and correct translation of Entish to common Westron, which is a very quick and uninformative language spoken by quick and uninformed beings, but I suppose they can’t help it since they die off so quickly, or sail away to the west to the hidden Elven Home across the wide seas. At least when they are gone they don’t keep bothering us, wandering about the woods, leaving messes all over and not picking up their trash, not putting out their camp fires properly which could be a terrible danger to the whole forest or talking and singing at the top of their lungs disturbing everyone else with all their racket. And then there’s the matter of cutting down perfectly good trees! Why on Middle Earth would someone want to cut down such beautiful and friendly living things? I mean, if they’re cold they should just wrap up in some leaves or grass, or burrow down into a bank of earth or stand in the warm sunshine. And what’s wrong with living outside under a ledge or cliff or in a nice circle of trees or in a nice meadow? Why would someone need to have a house made of wood? Maybe a pile of stones would make a good house, but just leave the trees out of it!

Each volume will be carefully bound in very a long lasting leaf cover, so that they will be useful and beautiful for many thousands of years in the translation efforts of beings wishing to translate Entish to Westron to further the understanding between the races, because understanding is very important if there is ever to be lasting happiness in Middle Earth. To be able to understand exactly what another is saying is essential for knowing what they mean and if you can’t understand another’s words properly you can’t begin to know what they are talking about so it’s important to be very thorough in your translation of one language to another or else you’ll make grave errors and that could get you into real trouble. And one of the biggest troubles between races is not gaining a clear understanding of others. That will always get you into trouble.

Anyway, we think we’ll be able to produce at about ten copies of each volume of the dictionary. If this very valuable reference work is something you need for proper translations of Entish to Westron, you should let an ent know. Of course you may have a hard time finding an ent to take your order as we don’t really hang around near where a lot of other people are since there aren’t usually a lot of trees where there are lots of people due to the unfortunate and frankly disgusting habbit of other races of cutting down trees to use their wood in buildings or for fires and other trivial matters, but any serious translator shouldn’t be put off by a little hard work, after all, remember how essential a proper translation is and you wouldn’t want to be known as a person who did shoddy work on your translations.

Please note: The Tattler has edited this advertisement to fit in the available space.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org