The Middle Earth Tattler – Issue 9

The Tattler
Issue 9
Legolas caught without Figleaf!

Legolas Greenleaf, prince of the Mirkwood Elven Realm was arrested last night for solicitation in human town of Dale. The randy prince had apparently propositioned an undercover police dwarf who was posing as a ‘dwarf of the night’ in the red light district of the lakeside town. According to a highly placed source at the Dale police station, the royal elf offered to show the undercover dwarf ‘a few elf tricks that would curl his/her beard’. The arrest report is said to document how Prince Greenleaf told the dwarf how he/she reminded him of a ‘very dear friend’ that he missed terribly. The prince then offered to ‘make it worth the dwarf’s time’ to spend a few hours comforting him. The prince and dwarf then proceeded to a room at a seedy dockside inn to complete their transaction. The prince was reportedly in bed wearing nothing but braids when uniformed officers entered the room and arrested the humiliated prince.

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Galadriel Answers Your Gardening Questions

Q. My roses keep getting a mildew on their leaves, what can I do to prevent this? Mrs. Daisy Boldger, Shire

A. You must first understand how the roses are a part of Middle Earth created to be enjoyed for their beautiful form and lovely fragrance. If your roses do not feel they are appreciated and beloved members of your garden, they will be more likely to succumb to a variety of molds and funguses. You must make your roses happy. Insure they are in the proper environment with adequate, but not overabundant moisture. To help your roses overcome an existing mildew problem, you must gently wipe the upper and lower surface of every leaf with a solution of pure rain water and powdered corn silk while singing a soft and melodious garden song.

Q. The mallorn tree in which I live has begun to loose the silvery sheen on its main trunk. What can I do to encourage the tree to regain its luster? Mr. Ninbonor, Parth Galen

A. You must first check to see if your flet is in any way irritating the limbs of the tree. You should also be sure you are living in a quiet way, being sensitive of the tree’s feelings toward the spices you use in your meals. One of the leading causes of tree melancholy is an incompatiblity between the tree and the seasoning the occupants use in their cooking. Trees are very sensitive to different herbs and spices and have been known to wilt in an alarming manner when exposed to a particularly offensive herb.

Q. The harvest from our vineyard has been down in the past two years. Do you feel it would be due to the vines’ dislike of a new field worker, or the vines’ disapproval of a new fermenting process we’ve begun using in our winery? Ms. Bazir Imradi, Dol Amroth

A. Your grape yield may be down for either of the two reasons you suggested. It is a well known fact that vines are especially sensitive to both the people who tend them and the way their fruit is used. You should bring samples of both the old and new wines out to the vineyard and observe how the vines react to the bottles. If they tend to curl their leaves away from the bottle of new wine, you may be assured that they do indeed disapprove of the new wine making process you are using. You should also have your new field worker sleep underneath the vines for several nights. If the vines drape themselves over the worker, the vines have accepted him. There is one exception to this rule however. If the vines have twined themselves tightly around the field worker’s neck, it is likely the vines do not feel comfortable with the new worker.

If you have any puzzling problems with the plants in your life, write Galadriel’s Garden, c/o Middle Earth Tattler

———- Community Events ———-
 

Edoras Consolidated High School will be holding a special presentation: Drinking and Riding-a Deadly Duo given by Eira Hamod, an officer of the Rohirrium State Police.

Officer Hamod will also bring the Tippsy Trotter-a simulator which allows students to experience the effects of drinking on their riding skills.

Parents are welcome to attend this assembly which will be held at 1:30p.m. on September 22 in the main gymnasium.

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Moria Investigation Opened

Azanulbiar county inspectors have opened an investigation into the recent Bridge of Kazad-Dum failure. Records indicate the dwarves received all the appropriate permits and passed all inspections in their construction of the span. Records also show the bridge has not had the required yearly inspections since T. A. 1983. An internal investigation is also looking into the effect the possible dereliction of duty on the part of the county officials could have played in the accident.

 

Sauron’s Family Reunion

Sources report that the Dark Lord Sauron has some family visiting him at his fortress, Barad-Dur. Highly placed minions of the Dark Lord have told the Tattler of the visit of the Dark Lord’s first cousin, Saurdam. The Dark Family member is reported to have arrived just days ago from his realm of Elfraq, seeking a safe haven from pursuing foes. It is also rumored that the Dark Cousin needed medical treatment due to wounds received from enemies trying to oust Saurdam’s regime. It is said the Dark Lord was less than thrilled to receive his cousin. Sauron, in the middle of his own plots and schemes to regain power, wasn’t keen on attracting the attention of coalition foes to his fortress. Blood must be thicker than water or Saurdam must have something on Sauron, however, as the Dark Cousin remains at Barad-dur.

After the initial unhappiness between the cousins, it appears they have mended fences. The two have been reminiscing about their Dark Childhoods together, visiting their Dark Grandparents’ farm during summer vacations. The Dark Cousins are reportedly plotting together to achieve mutual victories over their combined foes.

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Tragic Love Story in Mirkwood Kingdom

A Tattler Exclusive

The Tattler, in a superb job of investigative journalism, can reveal the shocking fact that Legolas is not the only royal offspring to have unusual tastes in romance. We have uncovered the tragic story of Thranduil’s eldest child, Lindolyn. The daughter of Thranduil has always been a mysterious figure in the royal family. No information has ever been known of Lindolyn before now except that she left for the west many, many years ago. Now the Tattler has learned that Lindolyn’s westward journey may not have been due to her longing for Valinor.

A longtime member of the household staff at the court of King Thranduil who insisted on anonymity has broken the years of silence and revealed to the Tattler the reason for the departure of the king’s daughter. It seems that Legolas’ fondness for dwarfs is no new problem for the royal household. When the dwarven kingdom in the Lonely Mountain was established long ago, there was much visiting between the two ruling families. This is how the king of the dwarfs, Thrain, came to know Thranduil’s daughter, Lindolyn. According to the source, the two were quickly smitten, though for long they tried to deny their feelings and stay true to their people. With the help of a servant devoted to the princess, the lovers managed to hide their relationship from King Thranduil, busy as he was with the running of his kingdom. And, as all the staff members knew, he was not the most involved parent.

At last, tired of the subterfuge and unable to deny their love, the couple was wed in a secret ceremony . The two knew their relationship would not be accepted, especially by Tranduil, so forsaking their birthrights and their people, they fled their kingdoms. Lindolyn’s father got word of his daughter’s flight and pursued the couple across the Brown Lands. On a dark and stormy night, the elf king caught up with his daughter and her beloved. Unwilling to suffer the disgrace of his daughter’s marriage to a dwarf, he bound his daughter and sent her unwilling over the sea. The Elf king held his hand against Thrain, deeming it a better revenge to let him live, ruling his kingdom and suffering the loss of his beloved. Thranduil then forbid those who accompanied him in his pursuit of the lovers to ever speak of the events of that night, and decreed that Lindolyn’s name was never to be spoken in his presence.

Written by CollinsMom of Ringbearer.org