The Silmarillion in 1000 Words

The One Thousand Word Silmarillion of J. R. R. Tolkien


(as rendered by Camwyn, a.k.a. J. the Honourary Canadian)

AINULINDALE:

ILUVATAR: Ahem.

AINUR: Wow! Existence!

ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!

AINUR: LA LA LA!

ILUVATAR: LA LA!

AINUR: LA LA!

MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!

AINUR: Um. . . la?

ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!

MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!

ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.

MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.

AINUR: . . .

ILUVATAR: Right, you’re out of the band.

MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.

AINUR: . . .

ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for?

AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!

ILUVATAR: Yeesh.

VALAQUENTA:

MANWE: I’m in charge!

VARDA: I’m Manwe’s spouse. And the queen of the stars!

NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos.

VAIRE: I’m Namo’s spouse. I weave things.

IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien.

ESTE: I’m Irmo’s spouse. I take care of the gardens.

YAVANNA: I make things grow.

NIENNA: I’m sad.

ULMO: I live in the ocean.

AULE: I’m Yavanna’s spouse. I’ve got a great big hammer! I made dwarves.

NESSA: I dance.

OROME: I hunt!

VANA: I’m Orome’s spouse. I make living things happy.

TULKAS: I’m strong. I’m Nessa’s spouse. I got here last.

MELKOR: I’m bad, momma, I’m ONE BAD MUTHA-

TULKAS: Grar.

MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now.

QUENTA SILMARILLION:

VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone!

MELKOR: Bah. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps*

VALAR: AUGH! *flee west*

MELKOR: Hu hu hu.

VALAR: Ooooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees!

YAVANNA: Yep! Aren’t they pretty?

MELKOR: Want shiny.

VALAR: Nope.

MELKOR: Why not?

VALAR: Because you’re a jerk.

ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny!

MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock.

ELVES: AUGH!

UNGOLIANT: Want shiny.

MELKOR: Let’s go get shiny.

FEANOR: I’ve made more shiny!

VALAR: Good, ‘cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours?

FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE!

VALAR: Aw, !&*()!@&)!(&.

MELKOR: Got the shinies!

UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny!

MELKOR: You can’t have ’em.

UNGOLIANT: Grar.

MELKOR: Eeek! *runs away*

FEANOR AND SONS: We’re gettin’ our shinies back. And YOU CAN’T HAVE ‘EM, Valar!

MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you’re not. *stabbity fiery burny death*

BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady!

THINGOL: You can have her if you … BRING ME A SHINY!

BEREN: Worth a shot.

LUTHIEN: La la la

MORGOTH: Ooo baby… *zzz*

BEREN: Got your shiny!

MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square!

CARCHAROTH: Grar.

BEREN: Ow!

THINGOL: Got the shiny?

BEREN: ‘s in my hand.

THINGOL: And?

BEREN: Hand’s not here.

THINGOL: Crap, I really wanted that shiny.

CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!!

BEREN: *dies*

LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.

MANDOS: … oh all right.

LUTHIEN: *returns to life*

BEREN: *returns to life*

LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny!

FEANOR’S SONS: *mutter*

LUTHIEN: *dies again*

BEREN: *dies again*

DIOR: Look! It’s Mom’s shiny!

FEANOR’S SONS: WANT SHINY!

DIOR: *dies*

ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs*

FEANOR’S SONS: !*&(!)&)*!.

EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar!

VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp*

EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!

MORGOTH: Eek!

VALAR: Got your shinies!

MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies!

VALAR: Oh *!&(!&).

MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies!

MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm*

MAGLOR: Um… not really looking forward to meeting Dad again… *chucks shiny
into sea* Bye. *wanders off*

VALAR: Well… um… okay.

AKALLABETH:

VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an
island! Elros is in charge!

EDAIN: Cool!

VALAR: Don’t come looking for us.

EDAIN: Okay.

ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff!

NUMENOREANS: Neat! Oh hey, Middle-Earth!

GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you.

NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What’s going on?

GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly.

MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay!

NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom.

MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: <3 <3 <3

NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die?

ELVES: You’re human?

NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that?

VALAR: No.

NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away.

ELVES: Fine.

ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you!

MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we’re lonely.

NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children.

MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay.

ELENDILI: This isn’t gonna end well, is it?

ELVES: No.

TAR-PALANTIR: We’re sorry?

GIMILKHAD: *I’m* not.

AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude.

TAR-MIRIEL: Hey!

AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00!

SAURON: Okay.

AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal.

SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree.

AR-PHARAZON: Um. . .

ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit!

SAURON: *makes chicken noises*

AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty!

ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats.

AR-PHARAZON: I’ve got a huge navy! Let’s go conquer Valinor!

VALAR: Oh no you don’t. *CRASHBANGBOOM*

AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek!

ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee!

NUMENOREANS: Arrgh!

NUMENOR: SPLOOSH.

SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where’s my body?

ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now?

NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap.

OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE:

ELVES: Wonder what’s going on over the ocean. This crafting
deal is pretty sweet, though!

DWARVES: Yeah, seriously.

ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff?

ELVES: Okay!

SAURON: They fell for it.

SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MORE GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD!

NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn’t Mom die like six hundred years ago?

CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap?

SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL?

ELVES: AUGH!

SAURON: Bwa ha ha!

LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.

SAURON: Make me.

ISILDUR: Whack.

SAURON: Ow.

ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let’s ditch it.

ISILDUR: No.

ELROND: This sucks.

ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies*

GONDORIANS: *change calendar*

CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch!

SAURON: Okay, that’s long enough. Movin’ into Dol Guldur.

SARUMAN: It’s not him. Also the ring’s lost at sea.

RING: No I’m not.

THE WISE: Augh.

THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you!

RING: *melts*

SAURON: AUGH!

MORDOR: BOOM.

GONDORIANS: *change calendar*

ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip!

GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring!

CIRDAN: Cool. Let’s go to Valinor!

(Originally posted on Camwyn’s LiveJournal.)